Shawn Asked:
“My wife has recently dropped the I love you but I am not in love with you. She seems emotionally checked out. We have been married for almost 8 years. And we have two young and amazing children together. About a year ago we had a falling out. She said the same thing then but thus far we were working on it, so i thought. It did get better.. Things were going great. What happened last year was that I decided to go back to school, I thought she approved. My school was more of a trade school so it cost quite a bit. She has been going to school when she could, when we could afford it. So needless to say this was a huge deal for us. But at the time we never argued, and hardly talked about our emotions. I really thought she was good with it, she even helped co sign for me. We both have excellent credit, but I still needed a co-signer. But when I did it, she got upset because she said I should have known that we couldn’t afford it. and that she has been going to school off and on when we could afford it for years. On top of that she was upset because I haven’t been there like I should have been over the years as a father, and as a husband. I really didn’t see how much I hurt her until all of this was talked about and brought up. about a month later she tells me one night, that she had developed emotions for another guy, who was a friend of hers and mine growing up. She had been texting him back and forth. When she told me about it I found out who it was and asked her to stop texting him She agreed. She says it never got physical. I was still crushed, but did every thing in my power to change. I went to counseling. And I’ve paid attention to her wants, needs, and cares. So I thought…. Fast forward to today. She seems a little distant, again, and something is off when I try and kiss her she is not connecting? I always ask if their is something wrong, and she always says no, or that she’s just tired. Finally it hits bottom when she finds out I was looking at her cell phone calls and texts on the bill. She is now very upset, distant, and says she needs time to figure us out. She says she doesn’t know what she wants. She says she is confused. She just wants to do want she wants to do right now. I just need some advice… I don’t know if I should just give up? I don’t want to, but its so hard not to.
So I guess I wasn’t thinking and looked up her cell records, and found her still texting this guy. Well for the couple days I was checking, I screwed up my password and she got an email saying the account was blocked. When I told her about it she said well “he just sends something like a joke or whatever and i respond.” But she was pissed and this huge fall out happens. She says I was snooping around. And some of my recent comments to her ticked her off. I knew something was off when she would not kiss me any more, or turn when I tried, so I told her, why dont you want to kiss me, or she doesn’t love me enough, or something like that. I am so confused now I don’t remember what I said. was I wrong do look up the phone bill records behind her back. But now that I know, what do I do with that information. I love her so much. I want to work this all out. And to add to this we work together in a retail environment. She is my boss now at work. It didnt start that way. Before we got married I got her a job with the company. And we always worked in different stores. But we both went up the ladder to the top and now she is one position above me. But she is responsible for my store, in her territory. Which has added to the last fall out. She says I’ve been slacking at work and it make her look bad when she has to cover for me…. But all I think about this last year is her and the family, and doing the right thing. But its her I cant get my mind off of. I do almost everything at home, dishes, laundry, help with the kids. Sex is ok, not everyday but at least once every two weeks. I am volunteer coach for my sons baseball team. She is in an adult soccer league two nights a week, she still goes to school once a week. I go to school once a week, and besides work full time, I cut grass for extra money once a week to help off set my school. We are just go go go. We have no family were we live. And few friends. the guys she would text lives 4 hrs away. But sometimes work will have her go out to that city he lives in. I trust what she tells me. I just second guess myself. I asked her the other night how am I doing since last year. And she says I have changed as a father 150% better, and like wise as a husband. But she is still unsure. She is worried that later on history will repeat and she thinks we will have another fallout and she says she cant take them. I’ve never raised my hand to a woman either. And we do not yell. I love her so much and try so hard I know she wants space but its hard to leave her alone, i just want to tell her so much, how much she means to me, how beautiful she is, what a great mother she is, and for how sorry I am to have caused her the pain she feels. Do I keep trying? Do I give her space? How much space? Do I still try to be romantic? Do I still try to pleasure her? I am so confused. I love her sooo much. But I have been ignorant and never really looked at it from her shoes. I am trying to do whats right. any thoughts?
Thanks you”
- Shawn
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Shawn,
Stick a fork in it, this relationship is done. You married in your mid-20s, she (presumably) in her early to mid-20s. Both of you were FAR too young to make this decision but succumbed to social pressures that evolved when humans were lucky to live to age 35 and that have been trumpeted as ideal by religions that refuse to evolve. Marrying young was essential to survival back then but it makes little sense today because humans are simply not built for lifelong monogamy and thinking you can have such a relationship and be happy in your early to mid-20s is pure fantasy under the best of circumstances. Do some people pull this off? Yes. Does that mean that all of them are happy about it? No.
You married for passion abetted by religiously inspired social pressures. Both of you are now realizing this as your interests and commitments have diverged over the years and past decisions have bred simmering resentments. That is the bad news. The good news is that it is perfectly possible to love someone (agape) without being in love with them (eros). You two obviously care about each other and you both seem to making honest efforts to take care of your family. That tells me that you both are pretty decent people who have a good friendship. What you don’t have is romantic love. You pretty much destroyed that because you were too young and had other priorities and confused your biological passion and social pressures for the true love of storybooks. You have a relationship called a “marriage” that carries expectations of love, sex, romance, etc. An entire industry of so-called “experts” from clergy to therapists and self-help “gurus” exists to prop up these relationships and help people carry out these expectations. They use terms like “getting the spark back”, “saving your marriage”, etc. while also putting out reams of supposedly good heartfelt advice about the “pain” of not living up to those expectations, such as “cheating”. All of this BS exists to try to keep people in artificial relationships with artificial expectations that have little to nothing to do with human biology. I am sorry, but a few thousand years of civilization cannot possibly compete with billions of years of evolution.
You now have a choice:
1) Stay in the relationship and do your utmost to fulfill the artificial expectations. There is a slight chance that you will “rekindle the spark” and “save your marriage” and go on to be perfectly happy. Sadly, the most likely outcome is that you will only sink deeper and deeper into the pit of failed expectations, regrets and resentment. This will kill the platonic love and caring you have for each other and will ultimately end up hurting your child, who is the one innocent in all of this. Your divorce will be ugly and costly. In reading your question, it seems painfully honest that you’ve been down the “trying to save the marriage” road and it just isn’t working. Beating your head on the same wall hoping for a different result is one good definition of insanity.
2) Be honest with each other. You do not have the feelings for each other that will allow you to sustain the expectations you have in your current relationship. Acknowledge that you are lifelong friends who love each other and love your child. Save the friendship and save that love and ultimately save your children by choosing to peacefully end the “marriage” part of your relationship. This will end the unfulfilled expectations, which will stop building resentment, which will let you preserve—and even strengthen—the most important parts of what you do have with each other. This does mean divorce, but it means an amicable divorce where both sides work together to determine what is truly best for both of you and your child and work to support and love each other through this transition and beyond. If you choose to do this then don’t listen to lawyers, therapists, family, clergy, or anyone else. Sit down together and work out what you think is the best solution for you both. Then engage whoever you need to engage to make sure that YOUR wishes are carried out.
Either path involves pain and hard decisions and heartache. The only question is whether all of this is only the beginning or whether it can be the catalyst to something wonderful for you both. For all of your sakes, I hope the latter.
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Shawn,
Never stop trying to be a wonderful husband, father and lover! Things might seem tough at times but keep positive in your thoughts. Try and stay on your “A Game.” Your wife obviously does still care otherwise she would have left a long time ago. I know things seem busy but you still should try and make time for you two. Take her on a date once in a while. Go somewhere like a dinner and movie and not talk about work or anything like that. Talk about what about life makes you both happy. Communicating is the key to a healthy relationship. Also, working together is not always a good thing in a relationship. Working together can cause a struggle for power. You may feel that your masculinity is endanger because your wife is your boss. No guy likes feeling that way. I give you props on making a change. Keep hanging in there and keep doing a great job. Everything will work out and it will all get better. I hope to hear more on both you and your wife’s progress. Hang in there!
Sincerely,
- Cole Harrell
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Ok, Shawn.
You have quite a problem on your hands. So let me do my best to help you…
First thing you have to learn about women, is that they EXPECT you to read their mind. I don’t care WHAT THEY SAY, they get MAD when you don’t just “already know” something. I know they love to say that MEN don’t speak about their feelings, but the TRUTH is, WOMEN don’t always do it EITHER. When you decided to go back to school, she’s EXPECTING you to know, ON YOUR OWN, that it would put problems on you two financially. She EXPECTS you to think, “She only went to school when we could AFFORD it. So I should do the same THING.” So when you DON’T see it that way, it comes off as SELFISH. Which is why she doesn’t get mad until LATER. She wants YOU to make the best decision, WITHOUT her input. Then when you DON’T, she will tell you why it bothers her. (Yes, that is how women work, lol)
The NEXT thing you have to remember is YOU CANNOT SLACK OFF as a husband OR a FATHER, and THEN to decide to CHANGE only AFTER she gets MAD at you. You’re supposed to BE a good man, WAY BEFORE she threatens to leave or take a break. The big BLOWUP shouldn’t have to HAPPEN for you to do your job as a man. And MANY TIMES, a man acting up can cause a woman to seek attention ELSEWHERE. (I’ve always found that excuse to be a COP-OUT, MYSELF, but we’re talking about a WOMAN’S logic.)
Now, the REASON your wife is blowing up at you for SNOOPING is because she’s GUILTY of something. That’s just the way it is. She KNOWS she promised not to text that guy, yet she continues to do it. She KNOWS she told you everything is fine and that she’s just tired, but the TRUTH is, she’s just tired of YOU. She just wasn’t woman enough to SAY it at first. INSTEAD she wanted to pretend things were cool, while ACTING like they WEREN’T. (Words and ACTIONS are two different things, Shawn.)
If she SAYS everything is alright, but won’t KISS you, everything is NOT alright. She may be tired ONE day, but if she ALWAYS turns her head when you lean in for a kiss, she does NOT want to kiss you, OR be BOTHERED with you anymore. BUT, what you need to REMEMBER is, she won’t TELL you that. You see, WOMEN will often NOT tell you something, while SHOWING you at the same TIME. They’re BACKWARDS. Which is why you have to look at her ACTIONS. Don’t ASK her to tell you because she will LIE (just like she DID). So NO you weren’t wrong in checking the bill! You have every RIGHT to know whether or not your wife is up to no good. The only reason she told you NOW that she needs some space, is because you FOUND OUT what she was up to. If you didn’t check the BILL a second time, she’d STILL be texting that guy behind your back, and telling you things were alright, while NOT letting you kiss her. So, you did what you had to DO. I applaud you for that.
As for the SOLUTION, I don’t think there’s anything YOU can DO to make her love come back the way it WAS. You blew THAT when you stopped being a good HUSBAND. The thing is, by the TIME a woman TELLS you to change, it’s REALLY too LATE to change. Not ALWAYS, but in MARRIAGE a lot of times, that’s the CASE. And THAT’S the secret they NEVER SPILL to you. Usually, she’s already looking ELSEWHERE around the time you try to change, so you’re changing for NOTHING. The KEY is to see these things BEFORE she brings them to your attention. Otherwise you’ll be fighting an uphill BATTLE.
Right now, you just need to give her some space. Don’t TRY & kiss her, because that’s not space. Don’t keep asking her about the other guy, because that will just ANNOY her.
In fact, if you have enough MONEY, you MAY wanna look into stepping AWAY for a little while. (Stay someplace else for a short while. Give her some space.) Give her a CHANCE to miss you. Let her see what life is like WITHOUT you being there and then decide if that’s what she wants. She MIGHT be calling you back in NO time (to come home).
That, of course, is just ONE option, though. Another option is to email her one day, DON’T TELL HER you did it, just SEND it. She’ll SEE it EVENTUALLY. And, IN that email, say exactly what you feel, then CLOSE it by telling you’re going to give her all the space she needs. DON’T DO EXTRA! Just DO THAT. Then, be just ANOTHER ROOMMATE after that. Do your stuff around the house, play with the kids, answer her IF SHE ASKS you something, but DON’T go out of your way to TALK to her. Let her DO HER. The MORE you try, the LESS space you’re GIVING her. The LESS you try, the less she’ll think you CARE (since you’re not in her FACE all the time) which will prompt her to try talking to YOU a little bit more. And, at THAT point, you need to KEEP IT CASUAL. Don’t be MEAN to her (NEVER do THAT!) But KEEP IT COOL. Talk to her like you’re NOT EXPECTING anything.
Anymore questions, feel free to email me, champ.
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