John Asked:
“There is this girl that I met the weekend before Thanksgiving and took a liking too. A friend of hers let me know that she supposedly thought I was cute. I got her phone number that night and have been talking and texting her every day since because she lives an hour away from me. I have taken her on a couple of dates thus far and all has gone swimmingly. From my stand point we have a great deal of chemistry between the two of us, and on a side note she plans on going to the same college I attend this fall. I have but one simple question. Should I ask her to be my girlfriend (I would really like to) now and if so how should I do it.”
- John
Our Experts Responded:
John,
It’s not that serious! Relax I can hear the over -thinking tension in your post. There is obviously some interest there because she went on more than one date with you, so the hard part is over. Now it is time to just enjoy. Asking her to be your girlfriend is asking for exclusivity and there are only a few reasons for asking for exclusivity.
1. Fear of competition. You have already decided that she is the one for you, but you don’t want to compete for her. That’s not sexy. In order to pursue a long term relationship with confidence you need to know she is with you because she wants to be , not out of default or adherence to a loyalty to rushed to pledge. She may see the question as an ultimatum and since she likes you she will levey a premature “yes” and ponder it at length later, without you.
2. You want to have unprotected sex and need to make sure you are exclusive. I sincerely hope this is not your reason for wanting to ask because it is way too early to consider that. In fact I will post this week an article about when to “take the gloves off,” so check out my blog holliegolitely.blogspot.com
3. The relationship has reached that point, but nobody is willing to own the crossover. That is rare and if it does come to such an impasse, then there are other issues that need to be faced.
Less than three months is a bit early to try to nail her down. The girlfriend label will be wonderful when she is ready to wear it, but it will feel scratchy and confining if she is pushed into wearing it too soon. Becoming a public, declared formal couple is a conscience decision and a prize so don’t give it away so soon and don’t try to shoplift it either. Continue to ask her out and spend time with her, through your actions you can show here that she gets first dibs on all of your free time. The coupling stage will evolve through actions and sharing of time and confidences. You are very young, maybe you will marry your college sweetheart and live happily after, wouldn’t you like to look back on this time and feel the start of your relationship was based in mutual desire, confidence and lots of time well spent.
- Hollie Golightly
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John,
Hats off to you for your honesty and awareness of what you want. It sounds like you met a great girl – now you simply need to take the time to continue getting to know her. Though all the lights are flashing green and go, you have to bring a “yellow” light into the equation and approach with some caution. Avoid putting too much pressure on yourself or on her by rushing too quickly to define the relationship. The truth is that if you are supposed to end up together, you will as long as you are both on the same page.
While you are understandably caught in the thrill of a new relationship, John, remember that you have your whole life ahead of you and a huge transition coming as you head for college. The best thing you can do is to proceed – but proceed with some caution. Because your heart and feelings are delicate things, you must get to know someone well before letting yourself fall head-over-heels in love.
- Dr. Seth
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Dear John,
This situation may be a toughy, only because a lot of times when teenagers enter college in relationships, they tend to end sourly because your life is opened to so many new experiences; such as crazy parties and an increasingly amount of beautiful college girls. Sadly, some men become so overwhelmed over the amount of estrogen surrounding them that they tend to cheat on their girlfriend or dump her, although they have no other girl to fall back on.
But, you John, may be a bit different from the rest of the male freshman. I feel you may be different because I can tell you really like this girl and are ready to commit to her and only her. Since you have these strong feelings, you need to make sure that she is fully ready for a relationship. Schedule a nice evening with her before the semester begins, and discuss where she sees the two of you going. Has she mentioned settling down with you before? What is her dating history? These are questions that need to be answered for your sake, before you take the plunge and showcase your heart to her.
Overall John, I recommend first talking to her about taking things to the next level; making sure that she is ready and the two of you are on the same page. If you two share the same feelings, then you should setup a nice, romantic evening where you can ask her to be your girlfriend. Remember that some things are worth waiting for; make sure you really know this girl and have spent enough time with her that you’re both completely comfortable with one another. Make sure you like the girl you hang out with, and not just the text messages she’s sending you, because with texts, one can easily write what the other wants to hear. Good Luck.
- Porsche Simpson
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John,
Congrats on the new thing you have going on with this girl. It’s exciting to finally meet someone to like, have fun with, and recognize that she is someone that you could be with on a long time, exclusive basis. I am not sure after a few dates that it would be appropriate to ask her to be your girlfriend. Based on what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like the two of you have been intimate yet. And since you didn’t mention her age, I am not sure where she is with life experiences. It would be great to express your feelings to her and tell her you like her and that you like where things are going, etc . See how she responds to that. You didn’t mention if you knew if she was dating any one else. It’s fine if you want to tell her that you are not interested in seeing other people and are currently only interested in dating her. If she responds positively, it would be fine to tell her you’d like to take it to the next level but seriously, it depends on her response. Find out first, of course, if she is dating anyone else. An hour drive is not far, but it does limit the spontaneous time you can spend together, so basically everything has to be planned in advance. Whatever the outcome, just be patient, enjoy her company, enjoy the beginning of something new and don’t rush things.
Cheers,
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John,
The first thing that popped in my head after reading your letter was “This is a no-brainer. Of course you should ask her.”
However, upon further analysis of your situation, I’d say to hold off on that. College opens up a whole new world for young people. Frat parties, new people, drunken mistakes, busy schedules, etc. And with you both attending the SAME college, it MIGHT be a problem.
I’m assuming this girl is about your age. And from experience, I can tell you, that even the NICEST of 18 yr olds are still just that–eighteen. Everything is new to them. Even the most innocent ones are naturally curious. They wanna go out, they wanna party, experience life, and just see what else is out there. I’d say to keep dating her casually, but don’t make anything OFFICIAL yet until you see how things go. See if things change within the first few months of school. See if you two grow closer, or become more distant. See if your feelings intensify, or if they lessen. If you two really like each other, you don’t need to rush it. It’ll last. So don’t jump into anything just yet. Keep dating, get to know her better, and then base your next move on how things go in the coming months.
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John,
My knee jerk reaction was to say “No, give it some time, you haven’t known this girl for very long.” But what do I know?
Well John, this Divorce Guru knows lots. Which is why I’m changing my reaction.
Should you ask this girl to be your girlfriend? Excuse my language, but, hell yeah! What’s stopping you? You’ve got chemistry, you talk and text everyday, and things are going “swimmingly’. Dude, just do it! What’s the worst that can happen: she’ll say no. What’s the best that can happen: she’ll say yes. On your next date, take her by the hand, look her in the eye, and straight up ask her if she’ll be your girlfriend. Easy-peasy.
Live in the moment, stop worrying and wasting time wondering about things you should do. This is a no-brainer. Ask the girl…something tells me she’ll say yes!
- Kim Hess
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John,
I would continue dating and spending time with her, but don’t ask her to be your girlfriend just yet. The last year of high school and the first year of college are a *major* transition period, and emotions tend to run high during those times. Enjoy getting to know each other, and don’t worry about where it’s going.
All the best,
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Dear John,
Absolutely! I would tell her something like, “I want to take us to the next level. I would like to see you exclusively. I want to see where we go from here. I like the way I feel when I’m with you (tell her how she makes you feel) Does that sound like something you’d like as well?” And hold your breath for her response.
- Blanca Marquez
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