John Asked:
“Hi there, first of all thank you for taking the time to read this situation and question. I have been with my highschool sweetheart for about five years. we met in highschool in los angeles and she moved to irvine for 4 years of college while i was at ucla. we kept our long distance relationship so well and we constantly met and talked on the phone and webcam and all that. every other weekend either i went there or she came here since her mom lives in los angeles. now i have finished college and got accepted to chicago medschool and she is graduating from irvine this june and will be back home. I don’t know wot to do. i have been away from her because she moved out to college and now that we have been waiting for this moment for her to come back, i might be leaving. I know I love her so much and she loves me a lot too. we plan to get married and all that and we both want to go to the career of medicine. our families are ok with that too. I do not want to lose her. What should I do? should I leave her and go away for 4 years to chicago? it is harder to meet eachother and definitely it wont be as much as it has been now. it will be even more long distance. please help or at least give me some advice. I am totally lost and depressed.”
- John
Our Experts Responded:
John,
Take if from a guy who’s lost everything any man could love. Not only is the food amazing in Chicago but you’ve worked hard all of your life and deserve the opportunities that have been given to you. Not just from school but in this relationship. Take her with you but go to Med-school no matter what. They say a bird in hand is better then two in the bush, but to me if I had to climb up a mountain for years to a couple of really nice birds…birds that will stay with me forever, I’m gonna chop down that bush and have 3 birds.
- Bill Wilburn
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Hi John,
Wow…it sounds like the two of you have definitely put the long distance relationship through quite a test! But it also sounds like you’ve been able to still manage to stay in each other’s life with an intensity of love, respect and support!
Is there a reason that she could not join you in Chicago? Maybe she is just waiting for you to finally ask her to be by your side? There was a story I once heard and resonates to what love can mean to different people.
There was a guy who went to his family priest and explained that he loved his girlfriend so much, but felt that he really had nothing to offer her until he completed his work! The priest listened carefully and advised the guy to just be honest with his girl and explain his concerns to her.
So the guy went to his girlfriend and said “Honey, I love you with every breath of my heart. But I have a mountain to climb filled with a lot of obstacles as I struggle to create the perfect life for us, with all that we will need to live a good life together. Once I reach the top of that mountain, I promise I will come back for you!…. She smiled at him and took his hand in hers looked into his eyes and softly responded…” Honey, I love you with every breath of my heart, but if I can’t be with you and withstand all those obstacles as you climb to the top of that mountain? Then I don’t want to be there when you get to the top!”
In a nutshell John…you both have been following your dreams separately but have held on to the love you have for one another! Maybe it is time you both join each other and climb the mountain of life…side by side..
The chance at true love can be very elusive…we all dream of finding our soul mate…it sounds like you have yours right in front of you…take the step and have faith that love will always finds a way!
- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms. Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!
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John,
This is a tough situation, but if she loves you then she will let you move to Chicago. A girlfriend is supposed to be supportive and allow you to achieve your goals. Sure your relationship will be long distance, but if you want it to work, it will. You are both very young, and obviously attended college because you have career goals; and you wouldn’t have applied to med school in Chicago if you weren’t interested in attending. It’s time for her to focus on her career, which may take some time due to this economy. Could she possibly move to Chicago with you? If not, then this distance can test how strong your relationship actually is. If you two can last through med school, then you’ll be able to last through anything. Good luck.
- Porsche Simpson
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John,
For most of your relationship with your girlfriend, you have lived apart. From this experience it is hard to know what it would be like to see each other daily (or to live together), as a long distance relationship, regardless of how good it has felt, is very different from living together as a married couple. Thus it would be really valuable to have the experience of regular access to each other before having to make any big decisions, any life-altering tradeoffs.
With this in mind, would it be possible to postpone your moving to Chicago for one year? Would there be some other way you could spend time there in California for a year that wouldn’t feel like too much of a side-track to your professional aspirations? (Schools are usually okay with students deferring enrollment to the following year.) If so, you would have the experience of being together long enough to test your belief that the two of you want to marry. With time, you will know decisively if she is “the one”, enough so then to be able to make a trade-off decision with greater resolution.
In other words, if the relationship fails the test of time, then you can go to Chicago with a clear mind. If the year together validates the relationship, then you will more readily be able to decide how to resolve the problem, if she can manage her affairs to accompany you to Chicago or you seek alternative education where you live.
No need to be depressed. If the relationship is as valuable to you as it seems, taking a year to validate it should be worth it. Good luck!
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Dear John,
First of all, congratulations on your acceptance to medical school. That is an awesome accomplishment and a goal that I’m sure you have had for many years. I understand your dilemma about your relationship and the fears that are trying to deter you from this next step in your education. You do not want to lose what you have in your relationship but at the same time cannot let go of this dream to pursue your medical career. I encourage you not to imagine the worst and start focusing on how you want this long term relationship to be kept alive and thriving. As you were able to visualize yourself graduating from college and getting accepted to medical school, you need to apply the same tools to your relationship. Visualize how close and connected your relationship will stay and even deepen during this temporary stage in your relationship. If you believe it will be harder and you won’t see her as much, then you will bring that exact experience into your life. Talking with your girlfriend about your strong love for her and the future you see with her will help alleviate these fears that are trying to keep you from your destiny. You probably will find that she is excited about your plans and has nothing but joy and optimism for your future together. That is one of the components of true and lasting love – being supportive of each other’s dreams, aspirations and life goals.
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Dear John:
I truly sympathize with your plight. As you are yourself aware, there is no easy solution. I can only present a few options or possibilities, but ultimately, you will have to decide what is best for you and your relationship with your girlfriend. If she plans on a career in medicine just like yourself, would it be possible for her to apply to the same medical school in Chicago? Or would it be possible for you to get accepted into the same faculty of medicine where she is admitted? It’s difficult for me to advise you on this matter because you didn’t specify whether she was planning on entering medical school at the same time you are. Another option to consider: Would she be willing to put her medical career on hold, join you in Chicago, find a job there and wait until you finished your studies? Would your parents (yours and hers) be willing to offer financial support if you got married while in medical school? And now for my last question: If worst came to worst and you had to decide between her and a career in medicine, which would be more important to you? Is your desire to be a doctor stronger than your love for her, or are they equally attractive? Be absolutely honest with yourself. This decision will influence the course of your life. I know this is easier said than done, but try to analyze your dilemma in a clinical, scientific way, since you did, after all, train as a scientist in order to get into med school. List all the pros in one column and the cons in another, and then you’ll have a clearer idea of the direction in which you should proceed. The best of luck to you.
Yours
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough
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John,
This is definitely a sticky situation. But true love is strong and will long suffer. First let me say that the ultimate decision for what you do is up to you. I would definitely discuss your next move with your girl. The beginning of any good relationship starts with effective communication. The wise move is to finish school so your life together will be financially sound. Generally, you would want to be able to provide for her. But I understand about long distance relationships, it can be hard. But as long as you can communicate you can make it. Now, my advice…on the one hand I say, if you love this girl marry her quickly, if she will have you that is. Do not hesitate, especially if you don’t want to lose her to someone else. What are you waiting for? My marriage did not start out like the traditional, we got married at the magistrate’s office at the courthouse, with two witnesses and a kid on the way; and I was 22 years old. We were in love, but we had almost nothing, yet we had all we needed…love. Over these 11 years we have grown relationally and amassed much. I tell you this to let you know that it does not really matter how far apart you are when love is involved. It sounds like you both truly love each other, so go for it. On the other hand…I am married and knowing what I know now, I would suggest you complete your education. If her love for you is true she will wait for you, but you can still get married (and lock her up so to speak) then go complete your education. The key is, will you regret it later in life…having the opportunity to go to medical school and not going because of you affections for her. If you can live with it fine, if you can’t tell her and she SHOULD, understand.
God bless you. I hope this helps. Keep me posted.
- Cinique
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John,
The way I see it, man, is that if you guys have dealt with a long distance relationship for 4 years ALREADY and made it work, I don’t see a reason to break up NOW. Unless of course, you’re worried that 4 MORE years of it could put a strain on you guys, causing you to break up ANYWAY (and not on good terms) ?
If you both are committed to making it work, AND totally in LOVE with one another, it will work. HOWEVER, 4 more years of being apart COULD potentially spell DOOM for you guys. Why not see if she’ll move to Chicago WITH you? That would solve the biggest problem in MY opinion. Since she’s done with school, she’d be ABLE to do it. It’s just a matter of whether or not she’d be WILLING. I’d say TALK to her and see what she thinks about the idea. If she plans to be with you forever ANYWAY, then moving to Chicago WITH you shouldn’t be a big ISSUE.
Again, good luck. And let me know how it works!
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