Duff Asked:
Ok, heres my story. I met my fiancee 2 1/2 years ago, 2 weeks into our relationship she told me she was pregnant, and i didnt care i was willing to have the instant family and things were good between us for a long time. She had a baby girl and I love her like my own. We moved in together a year and a bit into the relationship and I’ll admit i wasnt the greatest person to be around, i wasn’t mature yet still a kid i played computer games more than i payed attention to her, and when i wasnt doing that i was studying for my air traffic control course i am in. She would have to beg me to make love. Recently she has joined the military to take her career as a dental assistant a bit farther and shes been gone almost 3 months, im taking care of the now 2 yr old girl and I realized what I have done and how much i love her and the girl. She says she doesnt care about “us” anymore but she still loves me and still said yes when i proposed. I told her all the things i have done to change while shes been gone like reading about how to change myself and be more of the emotional caring type and how i’ve started doing the things shes been nagging me to do for the year prior like just call to say i love you or write poems or hold hands, and even trying different spices on food ( i never used to like it but she does). I dont know what to do to “win” her back again i know she loves me and doesnt “want” to leave but if she doesnt care about us then things wont get better, and I cant stand thinking about her leaving me now especially that im so attached to this gorgeous 2 year old girl.
- Duff (Manitoba, Canada)
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Duff,
People your age tend to think of everything as being somehow “permanent”, that a relationship is “the love of my life”, etc. It is no surprise that you think you have it all—a family, a wife, etc. It is also no surprise that you have next to no idea how to actually maintain such a relationship. It is also a biological fact that you are in the prime of your life and genetically programmed over billions of years to get out there and sow your wild oats before settling down to actually build a “permanent” life.
This is not your baby. Neither of you are mature enough to really make this viable over the long haul without breeding all kinds of future resentment and regret. And it seems she agrees with me. She may still love you without being in love with you because there are several kinds of love. She does not love you in the “want to have a relationship with you” way but still said yes to your proposal because she—like you—is caught in the “it’s forever” trap of young adulthood.
Let her go. Be a friend, help with childcare if you want, even be roommates if you like. Just forget the idea of having a happy lifelong marriage with her and move on. Your 20s are all about enjoying yourself so go have fun. If you don’t do it now then you will end up too old to do it because you’ll never be this young and free again. You’ll also have a huge closet full of regrets. This may feel like a huge mistake and may hurt a lot at first but believe me when I say that all 3 of you (you, her and the kid) will end up FAR better off this way.
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Duff,
I think it is great that you have basically “adopted” her little girl as your own. I also want to commend you on trying to make a difference and show her that you really do care. She apparently does care otherwise she would not have said “yes” to marrying you. What I suggest is to answer the questions about her you don’t already know. What are her favorite flowers? What is her favorite type of candy or chocolates. Who is her favorite author? And so on. You have shown her by your actions that you care about her, the little girl and both of you as companions, friends and lovers. Saying that, I also suggest telling her with your words. On one of her visits back home talk to her in person. Do not talk to her about it over the phone or on webcam. It must be done person to person. It shows that you are putting an effort into everything and that you really do care. Also, I am sure she does miss home very much so send her a care package with pictures of the girl, some video of you, the girl and her friends letting her know you all are thinking of her. I hope my advice helped and I send you all my best wishes.
Sincerely,
- Cole Harrell
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Dear Duff,
The only thing you can do is wait until she returns home. You CAN’T do ANYTHING over the PHONE. If she’s stopped caring about your relationship, you have to SHOW her these things in person. PAY her more attention, SUGGEST a night out (or in) doing the things that she likes to do. Make HER feel important. PROVE to her that you’ve changed and MAKE her care again. When does she come back?
Also, you mentioned that she agreed to marry you, even though she doesn’t care. Well, are you afraid she’ll change her MIND about that? Are you concerned that she’ll decide she doesn’t want you anymore or want to be married to you? Do you suspect there’s another GUY she met that has her feeling this way? Because THINK about it: If she didn’t “stop caring” until AFTER she left, then it’s POSSIBLE that she’s met someone else who makes her feel BETTER than you do, which is ANOTHER reason I say you need to have her in PERSON. Otherwise, HE has the ADVANTAGE over you (assuming there IS another guy, I’m NOT saying there is though.)
If she has stopped caring, it is NEVER EASY to make her START again. All you CAN do, is SHOW her that you’ve changed. And if she hasn’t stopped caring COMPLETELY, it might WORK. If she’s just “given up” on you, so to speak, you may be able to recapture the magic by PROVING to her that you’re a better person now, and that you’re worthy of her love. Good luck. Let me know what happens.
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