Andrew Asked:
“I’m committed to a serious long distance relationship, I’ve been doing some research, but need more advice. WE use skype everyday, and I write her poetry everyday, but I don’t know what to do to make it work. Any advice?”
- Andrew
Our Experts Responded:
Hi Andrew,
If you are not already using the video capability of skype, so that you can also see each other, that would be a good idea.
My advice is for each of you to make a list of the things you want from this relationship, and the things you don’t want. Then give the lists to each other.
Spell out how often you hope to meet in person, or if that is never. These things are not carved in stone – tell each other when something changes.
First, clarify in your own mind what YOU want from this relationship. What do you expect or require from her?
What is her response to your poetry?
Do you share your emotions and feelings about things in your life and about each other?
Do you feel any emotional dependency? Does she?
To what degree do you permit each other to have other relationships?
Consider these things and decide how you will deal with any issues that come up.
Allow her to see any vulnerabilities that you have.
Best wishes,
- David Lerner
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Hi Andrew!
A long distance relationship can be hard to make work; but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible if both people are committed to making it work. First, realize at one point or another if you want to have a real relationship someone or both of you will have to move. I would make sure that at least one of you is willing to do that – farther down the road. If neither of you will budge then you could be setting yourself up for a heartbreak.
Once you’ve resolved that realize that a long distance relationship requires more work – or at least a different type of work. It’s great that you keep in touch but it doesn’t need to be everyday, in fact I would suggest a few days off in between. Talking everyday can form a bit of dependency (and indicates too much co-dependency) that isn’t healthy in any relationship.
Next, you need to find ways to get together in person. You didn’t indicate how far away you are; one hour, three, a few days? Find a way to visit each other in one or the other’s hometown. This is of course, since you said long term relationship I’m assuming it has been a while (close to a year?) Be sure that you’ve made (or she has) arrangements for the other to stay over night that won’t be intruding or create tension. You don’t want to put pressure on the relationship that it isn’t ready to handle. After you’ve done that a few times then (or if this works better) find a place away from both of your homes to meet. The key is you don’t want to make the situation uncomfortable with adding the pressure of sex; in other words you should both have your own room to stay in at this point. You don’t want to make the situation of seeing one another mean that you have to share a room, bed – she may (and should be at this point) uncomfortable with that.
It’s hard to really get to know someone and how he or she really acts in life without living day to day close to each other. It’s important for you both to make the effort to see each other in person. If finances don’t allow that at the moment, just continue to talk (but ease up on the daily chats) and keep in touch. If it’s meant to be it will be. Realize that you’ll need to bring it face to face at some point and start planning how to do that.
Most importantly make sure no matter what the challenges you talk openly and honestly about them. Communication is vital – a make it or break it skill – for any successful relationship!
- Bella
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Dear Andrew,
If you can afford it and have enough bandwidth, get a webcam and send each other short videos. Care packages are great, too, even if it’s something simple like a favorite snack food, CD that you mixed, or paperback book. (A guy I know spent two years in Japan teaching English, and he loved to get care packages of Oreos and peanut butter!)
Finally, don’t underestimate the power of good old-fashioned letters and cards.
Long-distance relationships aren’t always easy, but they can work!
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Dear Andrew,
Sometimes being in a Long Distance Relationship, we are given the ability to learn trust, acceptance and interdependence right from the get-go. The main focus for you and your girlfriend is to maintain a high quality of open communication, that many who are in regular relationships fail to do, as we take for granted that the person is always right there, when we want them to be.
As someone who had a successful long distance relationship, before having moved cities to be with my partner, I can say that I felt more secure, more trusting, and more accepting for this person, meerly because we had to be best friends, first. We were able to get to know each other by sharing stories of one another, as the main form of communication was through words. Embrace this time, with your partner, but moreover, be sure to openly communicate what it is each of you are looking for in this relationship, whether or not you are able to look towards a common intention as to where this is leading. Most of all, be honest with each other and with yourselves first.
You will truly see where this can go, once you take the stigma of “long distance relationship” out of the equation and look at it as a fortunate blessing to really be able to “be with” each other through learning, loving and accepting what is.
I think it sounds like you are doing great! Maybe that is good enough already!
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Hi Andrew,
Good for you that you are in a committed relationship. I have had several long distance ones and they can work. With technologies today, long distance relationships have a great chance of being successful just like any other relationship. Doing skype and daily communications is great but the key will be during your in person visits. Since the time spent needs advanced planning, having an idea of when the two of you will see each other next will alleviate some anguish and undo stress. So if possible try and have the next visit planned so you avoid, “When am I going to see you again?” I found this very helpful during my long distance relationships. Also, during the visits, try and make them more normal visits instead of whirlwind vacations. In other words, instead of spending the time filled with tons of activities, spend some time doing low key things such as walks, movies, and talks. Also do not make it just about sex. Keep a balance like you would if she lived in the same city as you. It is important to take turns absorbing the cost of the visits. You didn’t mention just how long distance this is so if every time you get together someone has to get on a plane, if the cost is not shared, then eventually someone may feel resentment.
Keeping communication lines open is equally as important. Talk to each other regularly and remember to discuss expectations about the future. If neither of you is willing to relocate down the road, then both parties need to be aware of this. Finally, just as any other relationship, honesty, integrity, patience, and trust are the basis to a happy, fun, and successful long distance relationship.
Cheers and best to you.
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Dear Andrew,
here is my advice: Go visit her! One can Skype and read to each other so much before you either go crazy or run out of creative ideas to romance one another. How much distance is between the two of you, and how long will you be apart? If neither of you can travel to spend physical time with the other, than you can send her love notes, text each other, get a webcam, or even send her flowers. Emails and talking online are wonderful, but it’s also very romantic to receive a love letter in the mail because she can hold it and hang it up; you could even spice things up by spraying your cologne on the paper, or sending her your favorite shirt to wear around the house. When you are in a long distance relationship it’s great to surround yourself with items that remind you of your love. For instance, shirts, photos, even stuffed animals. Hopefully you won’t be distant for too much longer, but if you are, these tactics should entertain you two for a while.
- Porsche Simpson
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