Hi Sally,

You stated that your boyfriend’s ex-wife is not your favorite person – well, they almost never are.

What all parties need to remember is that your boyfriend’s son is not necessarily lying to anyone. What he is doing is trying to protect and please both his parents feelings. He might be telling his mom his doesnt like the living arrangements because he does not want her to think he is “choosing” you over her. He tells his dad what he thinks his dad wants to hear because he does not want to hurt his father’s feelings. My professional guess is that this child is feeling triangulated between what he believes to be his parents feelings. It is, in fact, admirable that this child is trying to do what he believes to be the right thing by both his parents -and that is to protect their feelings.

Therefore, mom and dad need to communicate about the living arrangements and not further triangulate this child. Furthermore, it would be a mistake to put this child on the spot, since he may not, in fact, truly understand his feelings completely anyway. It is critical; however, to keep the lines of communication open with this child regarding his feelings on all situations in his life.

Finally, I strongly suggest you do not put your boyfriend in the quandry of having to choose between his son and youself. That rarely works out for the adult!

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Dear Sally,
First of all, as a parent your boyfriend’s main priority is making sure that he is providing an emotionally stable, loving home environment. Obviously the child feels stuck in the middle … wanting to please both parents and saying what he believes they want to hear.

As with many divorces, the child feels as if the break up was somehow their “fault” and will vow to be good from now on. And sometimes in a young child’s eyes, saying things that they do not feel in order to gain the approval of each parent is the right thing to do.

That said I believe it would be wise for you to figure out where you want this relationship to go. His son and ex-wife are part of the package and with a child involved, it is paramount that you sit down and define your relationship and mutual goals. Living together and seeing what happens is not the best choice for you, for your boyfriend or for his son.

I understand that you do not want your boyfriend to break up with you because of what his son has said, but try to place yourself in his position. One of your goals as a couple should be to bring as much peace and harmony into your life as a family, so his son feels loved, welcomed, and secure.

Of course there is no way to control what his mother says, but as a couple you can present a good relationship role model for him. The decision you need to make is where you see your life with this man going and working together to make that vision a reality.