Nelson Asked:

“There is this girl I really like. The first time we met it was very flirty and we hit it off. She thinks i’m funny and I can easily make her laugh. First time we met i told her she had the most beautiful eyes i’ve seen. For a week we saw each other and the mood was just perfect. Its been a month now and i haven’t seen her in two weeks. We talked on the phone for most of the time. On one occasion we talked till 1:30 am. We learned a lot about each other. But my problem is that I’m not sure if she likes me or not. Or if i’m in a friend zone. See the first week we met I asked her out and she said no. The second time which was the night we talked till morning I asked her out and she still turned me down.

That was weeks before and i haven’t asked her out yet, cuz i don’t see the point. I’m soon to give up hope and I’m thinking of ways to set up attraction in her, but no luck, since i haven’t seen her in two weeks, and I haven’t talked to her in two weeks. She says shell call me back but she doesn’t. Just tonight I called her and she said she’d call me back later but nothing. Right now I have four other girls to choose from but I want her. I just can’t seem to get some time with her however. The chemistry is there but i’m not so sure about the attraction.”

- Nelson

Our Experts Responded:

Hi Nelson,

There is an old saying…”We always want what we know we can’t have”….Save yourself a world of heartbreak and not pursue this girl any further. It seems like the attracttion is one sided and she has let you know by not communicating that she is not interested. It might be that you already more emotionally invested and she was just looking to date and have fun? Also by making yourself “so available” to her might be a turn off? If you have the opportunity to date other girls? Then you should…this girl might seem golden to you now, but I bet there is something better just around the corner! Life and love is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t feel the same!

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms. Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

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Dear Nelson,

Bonnie Raitt’s song, “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” is a classic because it speaks the truth. We cannot make – or will – people to love us. The only thing we can control is when and how we put ourselves out there, available for love to find us. I suspect that the girl enjoys spending time with you as a friend rather than as a boyfriend at this time.  Maybe there’s a chance for more later, but she’s putting the brakes on things for a reason. All that concentrated focus on each other may have her thinking things are moving a bit too fast, or she may have decided that you and she are incompatible.

You have two options: 1) stop hoping for a romance with her, and settle for a casual friendship; 2) hold onto hope by giving this girl some time and space. During this time, ignore the other girls because if this girl is shy or insecure, she may give up if she sees you with someone else. Wait a few days or a week before you call or text her next. Then, see how she responds to you.

Best wishes,
- Melanie J. Davis, MEd

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Nelson,

It seems to me that you are practising self-delusion. She obviously is not interested in you because she keeps turning you down. She may only want you as a friend, and a telephone friend at that. Remember the old proverb: Actions speak louder than words. If she was really interested in you, she would encourage you to call her often, and to set up dates with her. She would be very eager to go out with you. Oviously, she isn’t. As for the chemistry you talk about, the excitement may be in your heart and mind, but not in hers. Chemistry has to be a two-way street. In your case, it is only a one-way street. I would suggest you try to forget her. Believe me, within a few weeks you’ll get over it.

- Leonard Rosmarin

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Dear Nelson,

It is understandable that because she does not return your affection, she has become an object of desire for you.  Many times the fact that we can’t have someone in our lives makes that person even more appealing and desirable.  You may even find that it is an internal challenge for you to turn her refusal to date you into an acceptance.  From what you have written, she is trying to discourage you from asking her out by first of all, telling you “no” and second of all by not returning your phone calls.  In a perfect world, those you found attractive would make it even easier not to pursue them, i.e. not being friendly in the first place, sharing intimate moments, etc.  She probably believes you are a nice guy, but does not have romantic feelings for you.  This is her way of trying to spare your feelings by not returning your calls.   I strongly encourage you to ask out the girls who really want to get to know you.  The temptation will be to wonder “what if” with this girl and not fully concentrate on the girls who want to be with you, but know that the right doors to love open without knocking them down and forcing your way in.

All my best,
- Nancy Pina

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Nelson,

This sounds a little bit like a question we received a few weeks ago. (In fact, you might even be the same guy) But in any event…

Based on your letter, it is quite clear, that she is not feelin’ you “in that way.” You’re a good friend, cool conversation, you’re nice, etc. but she just doesn’t SEE you “that way.”

Now, I know this is hard to hear, especially since you’ve had some GOOD times with her as WELL. But the fact is, if she’s not returning your calls, AND she’s turned you down twice, it’s time to give up, man. In fact, I’d say CHOOSE one of those other 4 girls you have wanting you. Hell, choose ALL of em. Maybe your “dream girl” will take NOTICE or even get jealous (though I DOUBT it, it IS POSSIBLE). But you can’t stop YOUR life for a girl who isn’t stopping hers for YOU. If she’s not interested, she’s the one missing out. She’ll probably end up with some dirtbag later on in life who doesn’t care about her, while you’re married and happy. Then she WILL wish she’d given you a chance.

Anyway, it’s time to stop wondering what this chick is thinking. Because we’ve told you. She’s living her life. It’s time for YOU to start living YOURS. When you stop sweating a person, that’s when they often come back to you. But if I were you, I’d leave her alone.

If you NEED some closure, and it’s HARD for you to just “stop calling completely”, then email her and tell her how you feel (because I know you wanna do it ANYWAY lol) Put in the subject “Just read…then I’m done” or something. That way, she’ll open it, read it, and it can be over. But DON’T get all “overly sappy” on her, because she may not be the type who can appreciate the feelings that you HAVE for her.

So, IF you decide to email her, just tell her “Look. I know I’ve been a little annoying lately, calling every day (even when you don’t call me back) asking you out, etc. But I’m done with all that. If you want to be friends, (like we were before, without all the pressure) you know my number. But I’m not gonna keep bugging a girl who obviously doesn’t wanna be bothered. I wish you the best.”

THAT ^^ way, you’ve gotten a LITTLE bit of your DIGNITY back. She might be a LITTLE more willing to TALK to you now, instead of AVOIDING you because she’s so worried about you PRESSURING her all the time. She needs some ROOM. And YOU have to GIVE it to her now. You HAVE to, if you want ANY CHANCE AT ALL with this girl, as a FRIEND or OTHERWISE. You MUST back off. And DON’T go asking her if she read your email 100 times EITHER! lol If you TALK, just casually MENTION that you SENT her one. But try not to bug her for a while.

If you follow my directions, AND she reads the email (she HAS to READ it, or it won’t work) things should get better after a while. Good luck, Nelson.

- Jason Love

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Nelson,

It could just be a matter of bad timing. Maybe she has personal issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you, or she’s not completely ready for a relationship. Of course, it’s also possible that she’s — pardon the cliche — just not that into you. Either way, let this one go and move on. If something’s supposed to happen, it will; if it’s not, it won’t. Enjoy your life, and the right girl will come along at the right time and not a minute before.

Hmmm, I think I need to follow my own advice . . . .

Best,
- Meghan Donovan

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Nelson,

Sometimes all you need is chemistry. Women respond mostly to words rather then physical characteristics and as circumstantial as that gets, it’s easy to get bounced off track with the ever changing mind of a female. But don’t let her get you off track. You’re a man with other women in mind and she should know that. The allure of a involved man is much more appealing to any woman. If you talk more about yourself, you’re just the same as any self involved person but if you blow her off, you’ll lose attention. So don’t do either and definitely don’t mention the other gals. Just be yourself and be fun. Offer the danger and excitement that others would have to build up to and remember that people can’t change unless they want to.

- Bill Wilburn

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Dear Nelson,

You say the chemistry is there, but you’re not sure if she is attracted to you – however chemistry is the reaction or the behavior that occurs between two people because of an attraction.  Without attraction, there is no chemistry.

I can’t tell you why it seemed she was in to you a few weeks ago or what happened to change her behavior over that time, but what I can tell you is probably what you don’t want to hear.  From what you describe, she does not seem to be interested in pursuing any type of relationship with you at this point.   Twice, you asked her out and twice she said no.  Despite the nice time you had with her and the long conversation, right now there is no conversation because she isn’t taking your calls.  Chemistry is what happens between two people – and you seem to be sitting alone now.

I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s not all that bad really.  You have demonstrated through your ability to make her laugh and your willingness to express your feelings that you are sincere, caring and fun to have around.  You deserve the same.  You want to spend your time and energy on someone who you can have fun with and share the good times, but who also can tell you their feelings honestly.  Maybe she is attracted to you but she’s not looking for a relationship.  Maybe she feels connected to you on a personal level, but not a romantic level, and she does not want to hurt you.  Who knows?

What’s important now is what you do next.  You can look back and wish all you want that she comes to her senses and answers your next call – or you can stop calling and move on.  You say there’s four other girls out there.   I don’t know if the chemistry with them will be better.  But I do know that when you find that chemistry, the attraction and happiness you seek will last longer than a brief moment.  You deserve to find someone who wants to make you laugh too – keep looking and you will.  Best of luck to you, friend.

- Emily Bertholf

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