Debbie Asked:
“I recently found out the man I’ve been sleeping with was sleeping with another woman. So I decided to go to his job when I knew he would be going home to ask him what was going on. When he saw me he cursed me out like a dog in the street told me to stay away from him and leave him alone. It was like he never had any feelings for me at all after 4 yrs. So I did what he asked me to do until a few days ago when I called his house to say Hi, he answered and told me to never call his house again. As far as I am concerned what we had is over and I need to move on but too many people have told me that this same man will contact me someday in the future. I actually don’t believe this. What reason would he have to do so after he plainly told me what he told me. Can somebody help me to understand this?”
- Debbie
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Debbie,
I think the more important question is: Why do you still care? Why are you still thinking about this guy? From your brief description of his conduct, he doesn’t sound like the kind of guy that one would want to have a relationship with. He slept with another woman, apparently breaking an agreement with you, and then he forcefully broke off the relationship with no explanation or minimal human courtesy. Yet you called him again, and when you did, you got the same treatment.
Did he have some reason for forcefully rejecting you that you haven’t shared with us in your question? If not, then it sounds like he is the “boyfriend from hell” and that begs the question: why do you choose to get involved with such a man? What can you learn about your own choices in relationships?
It is easy and common for most of us to go on and on, telling stories about our monstrous last partner. He (or she) did this; he did that. Our friends listen with indignation and incredulity at what a MONSTER he was. They assure us of how victimized we were by that beast! But what goes overlooked by this point of view is I CHOSE to be in a relationship with that person. How he behaves is about him; the fact that I was so attached to him is about ME.
It sounds like it would be best to let go of your attachment to this man, and instead focus a bit more about what you are drawn to in relationships. Note unhealthy patterns in your choices. When you see such undesirable features in your partners, ask yourself what draws yourself to such features and what causes you to endure them. With time, bad relationships can lead to good ones IF we learn about ourselves from the bad ones!
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Dear Debbie,
It’s called a learning experience!! You attracted him for the last 4 years for many reasons!! Only You truly know the great times you have had together. Relationships are about attracting complimentary opposites to who we are at the time to balance our lives out! Relationships are about support and challenges to Love parts of ourselves we are NOT loving and to teach our mate to do the same. He may not have TRUE feelings for you because he isn’t in touch with HIS True feelings!! I truly wonder how many women he slept with over the last 4 years - I doubt it was just 1 other.
This Guy sounds like he is ALL about the challenge so when you are Gone for a while his ego desires the thrill of the chase again. Whatever you focus on in Life will expand Debbie. I recommend the book “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini - I think it will help you truly move forward and attract the Loving Man that your heart Truly deserves!! Please Be specific as to the Life you would truly Love to have and the Type of Man you would Love to attract and Love!!
Best Wishes and ALOHA
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Dear Debbie,
I found it interesting how you described your relationship with him. You didn’t say that you were in a relationship, but that you were sleeping together. This causes me to wonder if 1) you are in a formal/committed relationship and 2) if he knows about it. In my opinion, it’s sad but no less true that just because someone is sleeping with you, that doesn’t automatically make him monogamous, and if you didn’t get that understanding on the front end, it also doesn’t automatically mean he has to tell you what he does one way or another.
Also, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you just popping up on his job is not only disrespectful, but a little creepy, especially to confront him about personal business. Why didn’t you just call him on the phone or ask him out to dinner? Was it that he wasn’t taking your calls or returning your messages? If so, that also is a clue of just how much he is willing to invest in the relationship. (Not much at all.)
The reality check here is that oftentimes we assume that sex makes a relationship. You said it was four years of sex, but that doesn’t automatically mean four years of intimacy. I recommend you doing some real soul searching about what you wanted vs. what you are actually getting from him.
But the real bottom line is that if he asked you to leave him alone, then regardless if he calls you again or not, for now, honor what he said and LEAVE HIM ALONE. You, yourself said he treated you like a dog on the street. Why do you want to continue to communicate with someone like that anyway? Whether he calls you back or not.
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Dear Debbie,
Finding out that someone you care for is sleeping with someone other then yourself is quite frustrating. The key factors here are 1. did you both agree to just see one another and 2. why would you call him after he was so rude to you?
To shed some light on this for you and maybe help you get some closure, If people tell you he will call eventually then it seems this is the way this man operates. He finds someone who he can share time with, and possibly several at one time, then decides to move on with someone else but is incapable of being honest and telling the other. Some people do this because they are so unhappy with themselves they fear that if another becomes too “close” then they too will not like them, in understanding this you can actually feel sorry for this individual because they are acting out just to push others away.
To answer your question “why would he contact you in the future” well there are several answers to this, one he needs to make amends within himself so he can say that they tried, another is because they realize what they had and miss it, or control, if a person knows that they have effected you and kept you thinking 24/7 about them they keep the control and are able to feel better about themselves. In a nutshell its their way of always having the last word.
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Dear Debbie,
It’s unfortunate that the man you were sleeping with has not been monogamous with you. I’m curious if during these four years you ever discussed monogamy, fidelity, or commitment. It’s extremely important for you to respect his boundaries. Showing up unannounced to his job is inappropriate. Calling/chasing him after he told you not to ever call him, is also inappropriate. I’m not a mind reader as to whether or not he will call you. I recommend you ask yourself why you want to call someone who mistreated you, in public, and in private.
Take some time to do some self reflection. You deserve to be loved, committed to, and treated well. There are plenty of men who will treat you well and chase you. If he calls you, you can decide if you want to speak to him. However, for now, please leave him alone and focus on your own self care.
Best wishes to you!
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Greetings Debbie,
Thanks for your question. You bring up a great point that SO MANY men AND women have wondered about. Here’s a reference I would like to offer to you and others in these situations. What is the meaning you are assigning to the event/occurrence/situation? While yes, you can view it as total rudeness and insensitivity (and I’m not saying it isn’t), it can also be viewed as a huge gift to you. The gift is your opportunity to now be more available to that amazing partner for you. There’s a few elements to appreciate in this scenario…
First, while discussing meanings, I love what some people view as rejection or no’s. Why? Every no gets me closer and closer to a yes. Life wasn’t designed to meet the first companion and that’s it. The universe has given us a plethora of choice. I see that you have a few years of experience and I do hope you’ve had the opportunities to enjoy this buffet a bit. Back to the “no” element. Simply put, “no” doesn’t have to mean rejection. Rather, it can mean “just not this one” … it just took 4 years to figure that out. So, celebrate the no’s as they will get you closer and closer to the great yes for you.
Second, authenticity, this is one of the relationship basics I discussed in an article a few weeks back. I can clearly see that you might identify a meaning of “he’s a jerk, a lying and cheating jerk” to the this experience. Simply put, if that was the case, it appears that he may have simply been doing the best with the resources he had. Imagine for a moment if this man had a rule in his life that unconditionally there was no place for untruth in his life. He probably would have simply found a nicer way about this or simply not have been in the situation. However, he has exhibited a very unfortunate paradigm that has become socially acceptable in society today… that lies are ok. Have you ever heard that it takes 17 lies to cover up every 1 lie? I would challenge you to acquaint yourself with the works of Gary King (www.thepoweroftruth.com). His mantra is that there is no such thing as an inconsequential lie. I can clearly see that your appearance at his workplace tested one of his lies and put him in a situation that was even more uncomfortable. Keeping this brief and having said that, if this man has been lying to two ladies, he will have the experience he needs to have related to those lies. One of those experiences may very well be not enjoying the gift of you. In addition, he has done you a favor. He has saved you from having to be around someone that is ok with certain levels of untruthfulness. I can go on and on regarding integrity and truth. However, I will close this point by sharing that in full truth, you will attract and be attractive to the perfect companion for you. Sometimes that companion may be for just dating and sometimes that companion may be for a lifetime. So here’s the challenge, always show up in YOUR full authenticity. It gives you the possibility to learn the same in others.
Third, be at cause and be at intention. When I use the term “at cause,” I would challenge you to understand the terms cause and effect. When you are at cause, you create. When you are at the effect, you are waiting for things to happen to you. When I use the term “intention,” I would challenge you to acquaint yourself with the works of Dr. Wayne Dyer (www.drwaynedyer.com), in particular his book “The Power of Intention.” As these discussion can also be very lengthy, I will fast forward. Imagine for a moment yourself… in your full authenticity, being fully at cause and being fully at intention. Imagine having full reference of these meanings. Assuming for a moment you do, how might that 4 year relationship with that man have otherwise played out. There are lots of great things I can imagine. However, here’s one thing I know, I sure wouldn’t feel bad about an ending based on someone else’s actions. That’s not me and…NEXT.
Debbie, you asked for help understanding this. My outcome is not to help understanding it going backwards. Rather, understand it going forwards. The past does not equal the future. There is no such thing as success and failure. It’s success and learnings. If you noticed here, I’ve paid little attention to the story points you shared. The best thing for you is what’s great that you can learn going forward. Honestly, that piece about him calling you in the future, I’m more with you. His loss. Go out there and get clear on what your extraordinary relationship looks like, sounds like and feels like… and go be the amazing woman you are that attracts that perfect companion for you.
I trust that these few points should challenge your levels of consciousness and should bring some great new references to your awareness for when you meet men in the future. If we had time, I would love to get into feminine and masculine energy. If you would like to learn more on that, I’d be happy to chat further. Enjoy these distinctions (above) and may you get closer and closer to the perfect yes for you, the one you truly deserve.
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Dear Debbie,
I think you are very wise to decide that what you had with this man is over and that you need to move on. In answer to your question, the reason this man may contact you someday in the future is that people often return to a relationship where there is drama or unfinished business. The hook connecting people to ex-partners can be extremely strong.
The important piece for you now is to ask yourself how you are going to take care of yourself if he does try to reinstate your relationship. I think it’s very important to see this man clearly. You are probably still in shock from his behavior but I suggest you look at your former partner as you would a science experiment. That way you can see the truth about him. If you really sink into the feelings of betrayal, loss and sadness this experience brought up for you, you will get a lot of information about him.
Since this man is very problematic and hurtful, I recommend you talk to loving friends or support people who can remind you of what you need and want in a partner. Ultimately, it is always OK to be with any person including your ex-partner; however, it is important to see him clearly no matter what course you take. If he does contact you and you feel yourself getting hooked back into him, ask yourself if he treats you well and if you feel good when you are around him. You deserve a man who can give you true love. You are worth it!
I wish every good thing for you.
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