Ryan Asked:
“Not sure if you can help me or not, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best mate. I’m head over heels in love with her and will do anything for her.
I’ve told her several times how I feel and she says she would date me, but she can’t lose me, she loves me too and would die for me but she can’t lose me.
I can’t help how I feel but is she telling me the truth? I know she cares a lot for me and she is my best mate, but she might just be saying that to not hurt my feelings. I’m really unsure what I should do? I love her. I get jealous when she talks to other guys and it really gets to me sometimes thinking what’s wrong with me, why doesn’t she want to be with me. What should I do?”
- Ryan
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Ryan,
If you’ve told your friend how you feel and she hasn’t reciprocated, then I’m sorry to say that most likely she doesn’t feel the same as you do. If she is willing to maintain the friendship then consider yourself lucky; most girls feel awkward in this situation and often end the friendship. If you really love her and would do anything for her like you said, then respect her decision and continue being there for her. Don’t pressure her because that will push her away and you won’t have her in your life at all. Start getting to know other girls; you may find someone else worth falling for, or your friend may be jealous and realize she loves you too.
- Jeannie Tran
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Ryan,
If you truly love your mate (and it sounds like you do), the best thing you can do in your situation is to continue to love her and be her friend. People tend to, sometimes, not know when a good thing is right under their noses. They will sniff around the neighbor’s garden trying to find the greatest smell of sweetness but forget to enjoy the aroma at home. If you truly love her, you will continue to be there for her and respect her wishes.
I know you want to be with her, but I am sorry to say that there is nothing you can do about her and her affections. You can only continue to show her that you care about her and that you respect her wishes. Eventually one of two things will happen. Either she will finally realize that you are all she ever hoped for and you two will enjoy life together or she will find someone else and be happy with them. The key to remember here is that in either case she will be happy, which, if you love her like you say, is what you want anyway regardless if it is with you or not, but I know you would prefer it be with you.
True love has a tendency to be patient and long-suffering but when it is true it will survive. Continue to be her aroma, let her smell the love you have for her, even if it is at a distance she will notice. It’ll eventually produce an attraction in her for you that will be 10 times as strong as your attraction is for her. Be honorable, respectful, admirable and always be honest with her. Be her friend, because in relationships this is most important, far more important than physical attraction itself. You are one step ahead of the game if she views you as her close friend. Her attraction just needs to catch up with her heart.
Women tend to go after men that are bad for them and shun the guys that are good for them. The problem with that is that when they get that bad guy they finally realize that he is bad and wish they had the good guy, but either he is long gone with his new life, he resents her and won’t speak to her anymore, or he just doesn’t respect her anymore for choosing a bad guy over a good guy and he’ll disrespect her every chance he gets. I feel your pain and hope you can muster your way through this. Just live your life and continue to let her know how you feel and just respect her wishes and be her BEST friend, you’ll see what happens. I hope this helped you a bit. Keep me posted.
- Cinique’
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Hello Ryan,
Thank you for sharing your dilemma.
Friendship love and romantic love are both really great things. However, they are very different. It’s hard to tell from your note which love you are willing to take the risk on. She sounds very clear, she is willing to date you because she feels deeply for you, but doesn’t want to risk losing your friendship. What you need to ask yourself is, are you willing to cherish her feelings and keep the friendship regardless of what happens romantically?
There are no absolutes in life, and relationships are about taking calculated risks. You can’t have a healthy romantic relationship without friendship. However, friendship without romance exists all the time. It doesn’t sound like just friends is enough for you. I personally think that communication, compatibility, and chemistry are the most important things to consider before making a commitment. We know you have communication and compatibility, that’s why you are BEST friends. My vote is to take the risk! I am not friends with everyone I knew at 17. However, I know people who are happily married now who started dating in high school. Remember, to live everyday in the fullest and dance like no one is watching!
All the best,
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Dear Ryan,
Love comes in many forms and when you find love keep it, when you put strings on love it strangles and dies. SO to answer your question, you by saying that you want her to be your girl friend and not just a friend is putting strings on the relationship, jealousy is a wasted emotion so stop wasting and start focusing on what you can do to spend more time together. See when you just except the situation and let the good times roll then all the obstacles seem to fall out of your way. Be happy when you two are together and if it is meant to be, it shall.
Love and Light
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Dear Ryan,
You certainly can’t make someone fall in love with you. Think about what it is you really love about her. It is going to take a serious talk and you are going to have to express your feelings to her.
Why won’t she date you? My guess, is she is afraid of losing her best mate. Try and analyze what kind of guys she is dating and what her complains and likes are with them. Studying this will help you see what she is really looking for. This is to help you see if you would really be compatible. Don’t think of it as things you need to change about you.
She already likes you; don’t change yourself. It’s important to remember that not all relationships are meant to grow in a romantic capacity. If you truly express yourself to her and she still doesn’t want to date you, you will have a choice of accepting that, or risk losing a great friend.
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Ryan,
you could not be dealing with this in a more self-destructive method. You are asking a woman to be attracted to you for all the bad things about you and that is just not going to happen. When you’re selling someone a car you don’t show them everything that’s wrong with the car and then stand back and wait for them to buy…but that’s what you’re doing with this girl. I’m clingy, I don’t have fun on my own, I agree with everything you say (boring), I’m jealous, I whine a lot, and I can’t act like a man. Buy me! That car is going to sit on the lot for a long time.
It is very likely that you will reply to this by saying - “she should just love me for who I am” - “she knows the real me” - “we’re right for each other” - or some other selfish little thought. Each of those and any that you might have thought of are all for YOU! What’s in it for her?
If you truely want to change your relationship with this girl do NOT listen to anyone telling you to talk through, over or about it with her. You need to resell yourself but it’s going to be hard because she already sees the weak you. Here’s how you start, tell her this…
“You know I’ve forgotten how much fun I am but I’m going to get back to being that fun guy.”
This isn’t for her, in fact, you must communicate that she has nothing to do with it. Let her think that another girl or another thing caused it but don’t tell her specifically. Let her imagination work for you. Next, rather than showcasing your negatives, you begin to showcase the great things about you! You’re fun! Maybe you’ve never learned how to do that. Maybe only your close friends get to see how witty and fun you are. Then you need to work to change that.
How do you advertise that you are more fun than anyone she knows? First, tell Girl A that it’s better that you’re friends. Tell her there’s another girl (girl B) that you’re thinking about and you’d rather ‘just’ have girl A as a friend. Sending mixed signals is the foundation of creating attraction. Don’t tell me there’s no other girl…find one! The next step is to tell her all the fun things you’re doing when you’re not with her. If you’re not doing anything start doing anything. A trip to the drug store can be fun - let me show you. To Girl A, “When I was at the drugstore, the guy had no front teeth - I’m not kidding. And he kept smiling at me like he was telling the best joke in the world! I think you would have really liked him! He was just your type!” The smallest things can be great stories if you make them sound BIG! If, right now, you are saying that this just isn’t you…then I can’t help you and your begging and whining for this girl will continue to get you nowhere. Good day!
But if you’re thinking…If I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep getting what I’ve always got! then you’re ready to make a change.
Make plans with her and then cancel or don’t show. Mixed signals are the best way to create attraction. Yes, you are risking her friendship here but if you want to take the next step you MUST be willing to risk that…she will sense it and it will add VALUE to you. At this point you need all the value you can get.
Another great step…if she likes thing A, then you like thing B. For instance, if she says she loves The Killers…you say they’re overrated. Mixed signals are the best way to create attraction! And don’t change back or say you’re kidding - that’s worse than just agreeing with her in the first place!
Point out when her hair is messed up or out of place. Point to things in her teeth. Ask her if she’s on a diet. Then if she gets riled up - tell her to calm down, what is she getting so worked up about? It’s scary, I know. You might lose her. But if you want her then she should be worth the risk.
Refer to my article, “Power Words: Are there really words that cause mystical reactions in women? Yes!“ Being able to talk to her in an Alpha Male way, demonstrating high value (like saying the car you’re selling is fast, hot and sexy!) is very important. You must appear to not care what she or anyone else thinks so she will WANT to choose you. Appearing to be in control of your surroundings is an important trait for an Alpha Male. But don’t confuse that with being controlling. You don’t care what she does. If she wants to hang out with you, you’ll let her. If she doesn’t then you’ll find someone else, no big deal.
I think this could be a really great start for you! Stay tuned to my articles and you’ll get other great ideas about creating attraction and more importantly building it!
You can always email for more help. superselective@gmail.com
- Dan Hitt
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