Dakota Asked:

“It seems that my girlfriend will make plans with everyone else and not me, and then if her friends ask her to do something and we were planning something she will hang with them instead. It seems like she is forgetting me. What should I do and should i be worried?”

- Dakota

Our Experts Responded:

Dakota,

you are just not as fun as her friends.  Women judge, not on looks, but on safety.  It’s not a decision they make but the power of evolution.  They are powerless so to speak.  You need to begin to implement the push/pull idea to build her attraction for you.  In this way she will want to hang out with you more.

You must appear to be having more fun than her.  When she breaks plans with you to hang out with others…go out without her.  Then tell her the story of how much fun you had.  But not as a big deal, or implying that you wish she had been there, rather it was just a few hours of fun because “that’s how you roll!”

Tease her more.  You know how to tease, right?  Well do it…a lot!

Whatever happens…pretend like you don’t care much about it.  She yells…who cares?  She wants to hang with her friends…good, it’ll give you time to hang out with your cool friends.   She wants to go to the Zoo Lights…only if she’ll ask nicely…and if she doesn’t…go yourself and tell her about the people you talked to and how much fun it was.

I’m not here to tell you it’s going to be all better or that it’s okay that you don’t build attraction.  You can get plenty of advice about how to make yourself feel better about what you don’t do well.  I’m only here to talk about what will work.  Trust me, I don’t care even a little bit about your feelings.

If you can get past the feelings you’re having that you are in the right, that this might cause you to lose her, and that it’s not your fault then you might be able a journey that will take you to an amazing place.

- Dan Hitt

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Dear Dakota:

Sounds like you’re her security blanket, someone to fill the hole in her soul that opens up when she’s not sure if she has a place in the world. You’re a comfort but you’re not the real action; the real action is out in the world. Probably she’s just not ready for a committed relationship. You’re not going to be able to change that. Only her personal growth can change that. If you’re looking for someone you can make a serious commitment to, look elsewhere. Alternatively, you can accept her as she is; develop your own social life, exploring other possible connections; and give her the relationship she is giving you.  Of course, that might reduce the comfort she takes from you, hastening the end of the relationship. That would be OK. Better than a rather unhealthy relationship where she takes you for granted and you resent it.

- Wise Old Man

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Dear Dakota,

I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. She’s just not that into you.

You didn’t provide much information. I’m basing my advice on what you’ve written about her actions.

For the most part, girls act out their feelings. If we really like a guy, most of us will ditch our girlfriends if there’s a chance of hanging out with a guy we like. A hard truth to swallow, but swallow it we must girls.

If I were you, I’d prepare myself for the dumping that seems to be sure to come.

You’ll know when a girl is truly into you. She’ll want to be with you, every chance she gets.

- Blanca

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Dear Dakota:

If your girlfriend is not spending time with you and breaks plans with you to hang out with her friends, this may be a good indicator of her level of interest in the relationship.  There are people, both male and female who like knowing that they have a girlfriend or boyfriend as a safety net and therefore stay in the relationship, especially if a lot of time has been invested.  It sounds like you each may have a different idea or definition of what boyfriend/girlfriend means.  You should consider talking to her about it.  You should also think about what you want out of a relationship and if there are other aspects that are good; such as sex, intimacy, shared activities etc.  And when you do spend time together is it enjoyable, boring, do you get along, argue, etc. Ask yourself if the amount of time you spend together has changed since the beginning of your relationship. Again, talk to her and ask her questions to see what is going on. Communication is key when your expectations are different than what you are getting. Once you clarify things and determine if you are willing to accept where things are then you can make a clear decision about whether you stay in the relationship or not or change the status and/or expectations, if you two have been exclusive.

- Robbie Lee

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Dear Dakota,

Yes, be worried.  But I think you are worried about the wrong thing.  You should be worried about yourself and you lack of self-esteem.  I have to wonder, why you want so much to be with someone who appears to have little interest in being with you?  It is clear that this girl wants to be with her friends more than with you.  You should spend your time doing things that interest you, things that you enjoy.  You will only be happy when you are with someone who genuinely “gets” you, and who wants to be with you for yourself.

- Dawn Antonis

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Dear Dakota,

First and above all the important things you need to remember is that once a person gets out of the “high school” age, where everything revolves around the BF they try to over compensate with keeping their friends very close as so they don’t loose them. It sounds to me as if your girl is insecure about her friends and that you she is secure about. Instead of complaining join her in her fun with her friends, this way you can both hang and be around friends.

Love and Light

- Lavender Green

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