Rashad Asked:

“I met this young lady at a club, and we were supposed to go out, but she said she needed to a rain check because her best friend’s aunt was having brain surgery. I guess that can be likely and I don’t think a person would make up something like that, but I can’t help but feel as though she was brushing me off. What do you think?”

- Rashad

Our Experts Responded:

Greetings Rashad,

Thanks for your question. You bring up a great point that SO MANY men AND women would love to know the answer to. Here’s a reference I would like to offer to you and others in these situations. What is the meaning you are assigning to the event/occurrence/situation? While yes, you can view it as brushing you off, it can also be viewed as this young lady’s attempt to not say no to you in a way that might make you feel bad. In the later, her “intention” is to not hurt your feelings even though the answer is still no. There’s a few elements to appreciate in this scenario…

First, while discussing meanings, I love no’s. Why? Every no gets me closer and closer to a yes. Life wasn’t designed to meet the first companion and that’s it. The universe has given us a plethora of choice. Simply put, no doesn’t have to mean rejection. Rather, it can mean “just not this one.” So, celebrate the no’s as they will get you closer and closer to the great yes for you.

Second, authenticity, this is one of the relationship basics I discussed in an article a few weeks back. I can clearly see that you might identify a meaning of “she lied” to the “story.” That was given to you. Simply put, if that was the case, it appears that she was simply doing the best with the resources she had. Imagine for a moment if this young lady had a rule in her life that unconditionally there was no place for untruth in her life. She probably would have simply found a nice way to say no thank you. However, again if she did lie, she has exhibited a very unfortunate paradigm that has become socially acceptable in society today… that white lies are ok. Have you ever heard that it takes 17 lies to cover up every 1 lie? I would challenge you to acquaint yourself with the works of Gary King (www.thepoweroftruth.com). His mantra is that there is no such thing as an inconsequential lie. Keeping this brief and having said that, if this young lady lied, she will have the experience she needs to have related to that lie. One of those experiences may very well be not enjoying the gift of you. In addition, she has done you a favor. She has saved you from having to be around someone that is ok with certain levels of untruthfulness. I can go on and on regarding integrity and truth. However, I will close this point by sharing that in full truth, you will attract and be attractive to the perfect companion for you. Sometimes that companion may be for just dating and sometimes that companion may be for a lifetime. So here’s the challenge, always show up in YOUR full authenticity. It gives you the possibility to learn the same in others. (Please remember that I am not saying that this young lady actually lied. This discussion was for situations where that is the case and what you can learn and appreciate from those situations.)

Third, be at cause and be at intention. When I use the term “at cause,” I would challenge you to understand the terms cause and effect. When you are at cause, you create. When you are at the effect, you are waiting for things to happen to you. When I use the term “intention,” I would challenge you to acquaint yourself with the works of Dr. Wayne Dyer (www.drwaynedyer.com), in particular his book “The Power of Intention.” As these discussion can also be very lengthy, I will fast forward. Imagine for a moment yourself… in your full authenticity, being fully at cause and being fully at intention. Imagine having full reference of these meanings. Assuming for a moment you do, how might that encounter with that young lady have otherwise played out. There are lots of great things I can imagine. However, here’s one thing I know, I sure wouldn’t feel bad about a brush off as that is someone else’s actions. That’s not me and…NEXT.

Rashad, these few points should challenge your levels of consciousness and should bring some great new references to your awareness for when you meet ladies in the future. If we had time, I would love to get into feminine and masculine energy. If you would like to learn more on that, I’d be happy to chat further. Enjoy these distinctions (above) and may you get closer and closer to the perfect yes for you.

- Andrew Fink

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Rashad,

Sounds like a Great reason to not be in the mood or available for a first date !! We all Have priorities in Life -It is her Best Friend!! Be supportive of her situation and show compassion by asking about the condition of her Best friend’s Aunt!! Keep an open mind and an open heart and live in the moment and in the Flow of Life’s Ups and Downs!! Be Honest to yourself and Others and Everything will be Fine!!

Best Wishes and ALOHA,

- Tom on Kaua

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Rashad,

In any interaction there is the “content” – WHAT she said – and the “process” – HOW she said it. Getting better at interpreting people’s real intentions requires an increased grasp of process (or “body language”) messages, as well as a trust in your ability to read those messages. From what you have said, it sounds like your intuition read her process message as a brush-off. If so, you were probably right. In any case, she displayed no behavioral sign of interest, like suggesting a different date, right?

Conventional “wisdom” suggests that women should be very cagey, hard-to-getish, unrevealing, requiring you as the man to chase after them. Whoever came up with that perspective, I personally don’t subscribe to it. My preference, if I am looking for companionship or more, is for someone with functional, mature human skills. My life is not a Cary Grant movie! Thus here is how I look at it: either she brushed you off, or if not, then she was quite awkward in her communication with you. The bottom line is – move on!

Women brush us off for countless reasons, many which may have nothing to do with you. Whatever her reasons were, let them go and move on.

There is an alternative, however, to walking away not knowing. This applies as much to business interactions as romance, by the way. When someone gives you an ambiguous reply (you notice that you don’t know how to interpret it), then ASK THEM. Come up with some language to find out what they really mean.

Taking your exchange with the woman described – If in fact she brushed you off, then she used the conventional tactic of non-directness to cope with the situation. (She didn’t want a big exchange with you so she made up the story about the brain surgery.) You responded with non-directness and thus you are left wondering. Instead, you can consciously counter her non-directness with a direct question, a technique we might call “clarifying”. Because this “calls her out”, so to speak, it creates a bit of tension. And the tension usually results in a less ambiguous reply, at least process wise. When she says she isn’t free the night you suggested, you can say “So would you be interested another night?” or “Does that mean that you aren’t interested?” Contentwise, she may still not tell the truth, but generally her process will tell the truth. She will show her discomfort! So even she says “No, I am interested” (but fails to show any BEHAVIORAL signs of interest like giving her number), you will feel more assured that her content reply is not truthful.

The American dating culture provides so many opportunities for disappointment, no? Make it developmental for yourself; find a way not to feel diminished by brush-off, rejections, ambiguity, etc. One way is to practice new communication skills as described. That way, even if you don’t get the date but you know what is up, you walk away the winner!

- Jim Ludwig

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Rashad,

I mean, it could be likely, but I am a firm believer that your emotions (more time than not) are the “thermostat” for your feelings. In other words, if you felt a cold, brush off, there’s a greater chance that you are right than wrong.

That said, don’t jump to any final conclusions just yet. You don’t know her well enough to read between the lines. Get up some courage, call her back and ask her out again. If she can go out again because her dog is getting neutered, well, I think you have your answer.

- Shellie R. Warren

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Rashad,

Although many people make up things to get out of a date it is quite possible that this is true. I think you could give her a call and not ask her out but ask how the operation went. This will show that you are interested in her as a person. But if it turns out to be a lie its better you find out in the beginning so you do not waste time on a liar.

- Lavender Green

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Dear Rashad,

I am a huge believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I suggest you call her one more time let her know you have been thinking of her, hope her friend’s aunts surgery went well, and you’d like to reschedule the date. The worst thing that can happen is she refuses. The best case scenario is she reschedules with you. In either case, she thinks you are thoughtful and appreciates the call.

- LA Love Coach

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Reshad,

This is a great question. So many people have this experience! What does your intuition tell you about this young woman? I feel the answer is: Trust your gut. I think deep down you know the answer.

You are a compassionate person. You want to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, either way, if she needed to postpone because her best friend’s aunt was having brain surgery or because she was giving you the brush-off, I have to wonder if she is the best candidate for your affections. Truthfully she doesn’t sound available—either because of her distress at the medical situation or because she’s making up an excuse.

I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to take a step back and see what happens. The ball is in this young lady’s court now. Stepping back can be a bit hard, though, especially if you find her very attractive. But in the meantime, get back in the game. Go out; have fun; meet and greet. You deserve a great partner who has time to spend with you. It could be this lady or someone else you meet tonight. Enjoy. And remember how awesome you are. The partner you’re waiting for is out there longing for you as much as you long for her!

- Marian Lindner

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