Sue Asked:
“I have been married for 12 years. My husband and I have not had sex in 5 years. He put on a lot of weight when he quit smoking and I think that has a lot to do with it as he is very self conscious. But then he tells he is not happy to having sex but does not offer to either. We are not very close emotionally and rarely touch for anything more than a quick hug. we have not kissed or cuddled in years. I feel that most of the love I had for him in the beginning has faded through neglect. I am sure he is not having an affair. I am not having an affair although the thought has crossed my mind. I’m sure it would only make things worse. I am starting to feel like I am only here because he makes good money, not because I love him. I’m not sure I do anymore. What should I do? thank you.”
- Sue
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Sue,
Sue, and I say this in complete respect for what you are going through (five years? WOW!), it’s time for some marital therapy. Quite honestly, based on what you shared, your marriage is in name only and while I am awed by your commitment to your covenant (more people have left for reasons far less), a wise man once said that good sex is 10% of a marriage while bad sex is 90%. Why? Because the bedroom usually sets the tone for that is going on in the rest of the house. Sex reflects the love, acceptance and communication that a couple have for/with one another.
I actually have a friend who went through something very similar. She is a physically stunning woman, but her husband also gained a lot of weight over time and his sex drive was very low. She, on the other hand, had a libido off the charts and so it resulted in several affairs (on her part) and ultimately the end of their marriage.
I personally live by the motto that you should only burn a bridge when there is nothing to go back to. You are still in your marriage and so there must be some pros that are outweighing the cons; pros that go beyond his bank account. Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. Weight can play a big role in a man’s sex drive, not just when it comes to his self-esteem, but hormonal levels, too and so I would encourage that he has a complete physical. And again, get some counseling. A trained professional can help you decide what you want vs. how you feel.
There’s no way around the fact that it’s a sucky situation, but you asked, which means you care, so all hope is not lost. Sometimes hope is all we have. Hang on to it.
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Dear Sue,
Do you have any children and if so what are the ages and genders? One of the things to strongly consider are what they are learning about relationships from your behavior. A girl would think that marriage means pain and a boy would feel he doesn’t have to please his wife. I know these are generalizations based on what I’ve been told. The other thing to consider is if your staying in the relationship only because of the money, how does that make you feel about yourself? Life is meant to be enjoyed and if you’re miserable, leave and he’ll have to support you plus you’ll be at peace. Not knowing everything, I’ll stop here.
- Robert Burns
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Dear Sue,
I am very sorry to hear that it has taken you 5 years to realize that the love could be gone from your relationship. When I speak to those prior to getting married I always tell them to realize that nothing lasts forever, it can’t and it must change, and one can either change with it or against it. I also like to tell them that people come into our lives for many different reasons, and many different time periods, enjoy what time you have with this person completely and unconditionally. Now to answer your questions, sex although is a big part of a relationship it’s not the nuts and bolts, so you say it’s been 5 years and you believe that it’s due to the fact that he has gained weight, well this is a cop out! A person who wants to find the blame in one individual is so off base. The fact is that ok yes he does feel uncomfortable; however, it’s a deeper reason, and yes it could be because the love is gone. Now sometimes some people can separate love and sex; however, there are some who need to be in love with someone to have sex. SO the need here is to find the real reason, you state that he is not happy, and you are not either. Then you need to find out why you both are not happy and work forward from there.
In stating that you believe that you might only be staying for the money, that’s a different issue all together. No one says you have to be in love with a person to love him or her and want to be there. So do beat yourself up for this.
My suggestion will be to consider what you want in life and do it, no one has the right to choose for anyone else and if you choose to sit and speak with your spouse about the real underlying issues, it’s your choice. If you choose to stay and live the life your accustomed to this to is your choice, and if you choose to have an affair this is a choice also. Never feel guilty for a learning experience and never feel guilty for being happy. You have the right to be!!
Love and Light,
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Dear Sue,
Your struggles are not uncommon. You may be right in that your husband is feeling self-conscience about his weight gain. If you really have loving feelings about him, you need to do your part to make him feel secure about himself.
Men tend to feel like they are “in the game” to feel secure. Make him feel important to you. Let him know how much he means to you, and how happy that you are to be with him. He needs to feel like a winner. This is not to say that you should brush away your own feelings.
If you are unhappy at his weight gain, you should try to encourage him to be active with you. Finding activities to do together will bring you closer to each other, stimulate communication, and spark feelings of want for your husband.
Men are creatures of competition. While a simple stroll each day will do wonders, you may find other activities like tennis, or racquetball to stimulate your relationship. It will give a sense of competition and give you both something to talk about and a way to spend time together. Challenge yourself to remember what it was that made you fall in love with your husband. I’m sure you spent a lot of time together and learned a lot about each other during the courtship. Bring back those times. Neglect has probably caused a lack of feeling for both of you. But it’s also not worth quitting on. Marriage is a bond that needs constant nurturing and attention to survive. You can’t become complacent in your relationship.
Learn more about what each of you have evolved into. You are not the same people you were when you were dating. Some ideals and values have developed or changed, and understanding these changes can add so much value to your relationship.
I understand how having an affair has crossed your mind, but don’t act on it. Considering this is just an eye opener that you are having problems in your relationship. Focus your attention on finding solutions to your marriage problems and not how an affair will make them go away.
While you may not think your husband is having an affair, you may not want to be so sure of yourself. Men, like women, need to feel important and need to be given attention. If he is not getting what he needs from you, he may be getting it from someone else. There are several clues to look for, and you can learn more about affairs in my book, “Cheating Spouses Revealed“.
Regardless of whether he is or isn’t having an affair, the thought has crossed your mind. There are several types of affairs, and none of them are acceptable. My book can teach you about affairs, how to spot them, tools to use to catch cheaters, how to build trust, and improve your marriage.
You clearly are not receiving the attention you want or deserve, and your husband is likely feeling the same way. If you talk about what each of you expects out of the relationship and what you are actually getting out of the relationship, you will find out what things you need to improve on to make you happy in your marriage.
Financial security is important to many women. However, statistics show that they need affection and conversation more than financial support. You, like your husband, have a need to feel important, needed, and valued in the relationship.
Love is an evolution, and it takes work to evolve. Reflect on what made you fall in love with this person and try to re-create those activities and feelings. Giving up would make you feel like you wasted 12 years of your life. Make those 12 years worth it, and make the next 12 even better!
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