Walter Asked:

“Me and my girlfriend have a child together, we were separate for 2 years due to school, no contact nothing when she came back December 2007 we met and our daughter was conceived. Well I was involved with another woman back in school whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I gave up the relationship with her, to focus on our relationship with the baby mama. I have tried to talk to the mama to reconnect with me for our daughter’s sake but she kept on pushing me back I was even depressed. When our daughter was 2 months old she cheated on me and it was not her first time but 4th time. I am tired of her I don’t feel her any more must I be with her for the sake of our daughter?”

- Walter

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Walter,

Your situation with your girlfriend (and child’s mother) has a complicated history of break ups and cheating. There isn’t much trust and from the sound of your letter you didn’t sound like you were particularly interested in her any longer. You guys can go a few different routes but staying together only for your child is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

First you need to talk to your girlfriend and find out why she’s in a relationship with you. Find out why she’s cheating on you. Talk to her calmly and really listen to what she says. It may be because she doesn’t feel like you’re taking care of her and your child, like leaving her to do all of the work of raising the child or not helping her with money. See if the both of you can communicate more to help each other be happier.

But if the both of you are only in this relationship because you feel obligated to your child you may want to move on. If you continue to feel like you can’t trust each other than it is completely within your rights to leave. Move on but be an active father in your daughter’s life. Then when you do start dating make sure that your new girlfriend is also loving and accepting of your daughter. In order to do this stay on good terms with the mother of your daughter. Speak positively about your daughter’s mother and avoid talking about her behind her back.

It’s such a wonderful honor to create a life. So cherish your daughter no matter what your relationship ends up being with her mother. It can be hard world out there for a girl and having a loving father is a huge plus!

- Anne Rachel

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Dear Walter,

The only person you *must* be with for the sake of your daughter is your daughter. I can’t tell you how many adult children I know who are wounded, especially emotionally, not because their parents broke apart, but stayed together.

I think the greatest red flag here is that your motivation has nothing to do with your love for the child’s mother.  Any time you do something out of obligation, it tends to be more of a task, a duty, but not really a labor of love.  From what you have shared, there is no trust, there is no desire and it doesn’t appear that there is even any energy to get both of those back.

My recommendation would be to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.  If you try and force yourselves to be lovers, eventually you may discover that you can’t even be friends and that is what will ultimately cause your daughter the most pain.

- Shellie R. Warren

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Walter,

I know your emotions are flying. However, in reading your post, I’m very confused. Having a child with someone doesn’t entitle you to exclusivity. If she isn’t talking to you, and she sees someone else, that is not cheating. She is living her life.

You are 24 and a grown man who chose to end things with the girl at school.  I respect that you did what you thought was best for your child. However, the mother of your child had nothing to do with your decision, it’s not her fault you had other expectations of her relationship with you.

The two of you can “co-parent” and still have separate happy lives without a romantic partnership. I suggest you respect the mother of your child’s space to live her life, parent your child, and build a friendship with her and relationship with your daughter. What’s healthiest for your daughter, is for the two of you to have realistic views of the relationship. You can not control your x-girlfriend or the choices she makes. You can only control how you react to them.

Good luck,

- LA LOVE COACH

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Greetings Walter,

Thank you for submitting your question and a great one at that.  I truly respect a man that looks at a situation and attempts to find what would truly serve at the highest level and not necessarily make it about one’s self.  Kudos to you.

If okay with you, I would like to answer your concern by challenging you to play a major role in being part of your solution.  I would highly encourage you to familiarize yourself with my articles on cause and effect and what drives us.  First things first though… what is your bottom line outcome?  In other words, when all decisions are made and all actions taken, what is it that you would like to see happen that serves at the highest level?  In answering this, I would challenge you to be specific/precise.  I would challenge you to see your outcome, even go as far to hear things you would hear when it happens… and then imagine yourself feeling all those amazing feelings that you would be feeling when your outcome is indeed a reality.  Walter, what I am asking you to do here (and I’m only asking you… no one else) is to get clear on what you truly would love to see, hear and feel.

Now that we have a starting place, let’s move on.  Let’s move to the two articles/topics I mentioned above.  With regard to “cause and effect,” I would challenge you to move your focus to things that you can create (i.e. be at cause).  With no disrespect to you, here’s what I saw in what you wrote… a story.  That’s it… a story.  Here’s my question for you.  Imagine being completely “at cause.”  When you are at cause and showing up as the greatest version of you, would things from that “story” ever control your life?  I’m pretty sure you know the answer.  Having said that, the best answer for your situation will come from you being at cause.

Next, referring to the article on what drives us, I would like to challenge you to ask yourself what is your B.S. directly related to the question you have asked (must I be with her for the sake of our daughter?)  More precisely, what things are you assuming when you ask a question like that?  That said, please allow me to offer an example as I too am a father (I have 2 boys) and I do not live with my boys.  Try this on… Is it possible for me (you) to be an extraordinary father while not being with my daughter’s mother?  Walter, that’s a pretty specific question that I have no doubt you know the answer to.  A man that steps up and asks for assistance related to something that serves someone else at the highest level is an extraordinary man.  So, I do hope you agree as I do that you can absolutely be an extraordinary father in such a situation.  As a matter of fact, what is one lesson you would truly want to teach your daughter as she grows up?  Might one be that it is possible to pursue true love with a different person and still be an extraordinary parent at the same time?

Walter, I am challenging you to be the example that you would choose to be to your daughter.  In doing so, she will be the apple of your eye and you will be her hero.  I wish you all the best you know you deserve… as a father and in all things.

Make it an outstanding day!

- Andrew Fink

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Walter,

It’s very mature of you to try and make things work out. However, if your heart is not with your girlfriend, then the best thing you can do for you, your girlfriend, and your daughter is to be straight up honest with her and let her know that things are not working out for you. You will not be doing your daughter a favor by staying together. The lack of love between the two of you and any kind of depression you feel will definitely take its toll on her upbringing; kids are quite intuitive and can sense those things. That being said, this woman (and your daughter) will still be a part of your life forever. Be careful in how you end this relationship.  You must keep things fair and cordial between the two of you, so that you can work well together in raising your daughter, even though it may be as a “couple” you are still raising them together. Many a perfectly healthy child has been raised by two parents who aren’t living together. Good luck.

- Joe

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Dear Walter,

I would leave her and see if I could get back together with the woman you had parted company with. One time cheating may possibly be forgivable depending on the circumstances but four times is way to much. It seems as though the girl is a habitual cheater and that’s the last thing any man needs in his life as how can you focus on any endeavor while wondering just what she is doing. As your child gets older and sees the stress this will impact her feelings toward relationships as well. I don’t encourage couples to part except under extreme circumstances such as these are. Best of luck to you and remember, if you’re not happy, you can’t create happiness and peace of mind for anyone with you.

Respectfully,

- Robert Burns

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Dear Walter,

Many people have this misconception that one must marry or “be” together to have a child together. When people are faced with the fact that they are going to be a parent the pressure of that alone is enough to make one not think correctly. While you must first understand that your obligation is to your daughter and yourself not the proverbial family unit.

As I tell most of my followers, if you are not happy then the child will not be happy. So start thinking about your happiness, your daughter will be your daughter forever, you can be the perfect, loving father even if you choose to be happy and let the mom go.

Life is not about following someone else’s predetermined path, but following your own true inner voice and being happy, once you understand and act on this your life will fall into place and not only will your personal life be happy but your child’s and your child’s mothers.

Love and Light

- Lav

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Dear Walter,

Quite simply, no, you don’t have to be with your girlfriend for the sake of your daughter.  But you do have to be with your daughter for the sake of your daughter.

I think what you really need to do is to understand what is really causing these affairs to happen.  It could be any one of a number of things, but something is not connecting between the two of you, and you need help if you are going to make it work.

Before you do give up on the relationship, I do suggest that you try and give it an honest shot.  By honest, you both have to be open with each other and communicate your true feelings.  No relationship is perfect, so there is work to be done.

If there is one person we should be able to be honest with other than ourselves, shouldn’t it be our spouse or partner?  What do you have to lose by holding back your feelings and expectations?  You are already unhappy.

When you have a discussion with your partner about these issues that you are having, be prepared to take some criticism back.  She is cheating on you because she is filling a void in her expectations.

Once you both understand what each other need from one another, you can take your relationship to another level.  If, after having an discussion about your relationship, where you both lay it all out on the table, it doesn’t’ work, than it is time to move on.  But at least you will have a clear conscience and know that you gave it an honest chance.

You can’t just quit, and you certainly don’t want to show your daughter you are a quitter.  Remember, it’s not what happens to you; it’s how you handle it that will determine whether you are happy or miserable.

To Your Relationship!

- Brandon Grittini

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