Bobani Asked:
“Me and my boyfriend have been together only for 3 months now, we work together and he was engaged twice before and his 2 ex-fiances also work at the same company and we have common friends, however since our relationship started I’ve been hearing bad things about him (things that made his ex-fiances leave him ) such as; he’s not a responsible man and he’s spoiled and he knows a lot of girls, he doesn’t stick to his word and stuff like that. Anyway, I ignored what i heard and judged him only according to my relationship with him not according to what others say! Anyway, at the beginning, he’s been very nice to me, say nice things , bring me gifts, flowers, chocolates and all the things that any girl loves. He’s a gentleman too and that was what made me fall for him in the first place; he opens doors, walks between me and the street, calls me a lot to check up on me but 2 weeks ago something changed.. I don’t know what it is but I know that he’s involved in an important project at work and very stressed up but he began to do things that really made me angry. For example, we don’t go out together coz my parents don’t allow me to. Anyways he told me that he has a lot of female friends and he told me that he wanted to go out with them as he used to and just have fun in a group but I totally refused, I’m a very jealous woman and he’s a handsome guy!! How can I let him do that!! relationship started
So he got mad at me but he told me that he won’t go but 2 days after he told me that he had a confession to make and that is he was out of mood and really wanted to go out so he went out with his female friends! I got really mad but he blamed me saying that it’s not fair that he can’t go out with me or his friends!! so and in order to please him, the next day, I went out with my friends to the cinema and after the movie finished I called him to come over (it’s the first time for me to do so) he told me that he can’t coz the streets are crowded!! (N.B: Cinema is 5 minutes far from his home!!!) I was very disappointed coz I thought he will react differently, especially that we never go out together outside work!! Again I got mad at him and we stayed arguing for 3 days as he didn’t want to admit he did something wrong! But finally he brought me flowers and said he’s sorry then, a week after I was checking his friends list on facebook and I found a girl from a foreign country putting a photo of a nude girl as her profile picture! so I called him telling him to delete her.. at the beginning I said it nicely but he refused! so I stayed 2 days angry from him till he deleted her!! But I mean if he loves me that much does it really have to be that hard to fulfill such a silly request of mine without that hassle we had?? Anyway, we made up but 2 days after something that I just couldn’t bare happened; a friend of mine had a baby and I wanted to visit her at the hospital ( the hospital is 10 minutes far from work ) but it’s in an area far from my house and I don’t know it or where the hospital is, so anyway I called him and first asked “are you busy after work?” he said “No” so I said “I am going to visit X in Hospital X, do you know where it is?” I don’t know about you but I think that the proper answer to my question would be ” I’ll drive you there!!!!!!!!!” but instead he started to really describe where it is!!!! And he didn’t offer anything!! So I changed my tone telling him that I don’t know anything at this area! So finally he said you want me to show you the way? I said “why did I ask you if your free today in the 1st place!!!!! “
An way finally he drove his car in front of mine but when we reached the street where the hospital is located he told me you’ll find the hospital at the end of this street and just left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is this how a loving man supposed to do with his girl?? leave her in the middle of a strange place? what kind of a gentleman is that?? this situation was just it! I felt that he doesn’t care about me and then I started to think about what people said to me about him so the next day I told him it’s over although it’s killing me inside coz I really love him but what he did proves that he doesn’t love me? although from then till now he’s been trying to reach me, come to my office, call and sms me asking me to forgive him and that this is not his attitude usually but he’s only stressed coz of work and some other problems, that what he did was wrong and asking me to forgive him. I don’t know and I don’t know whether I should give him another chance or not? I don’t know if I’m overreacting or what he did was really bad ? pls. advice..”
- Bobani
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Bobani,
You are in an awkward situation. By your own admittance, you are restricted in your availablity to your boyfriend, to the point that your parents won’t allow you to go out with him. It sounds like your society expects you to adhere to strict rules regarding dating conduct, sex, and so on, and your hope is that your boyfriend fully accommodate those rules, even to the point of having friendships with other women..
It sounds like unfortunately, that is not his intention. Whatever is true (or not) about what others have said about him, he is expressing to you his wish to retain the option of at least going out with other women “just to have fun”. (In other words, not as sexual partners.) Is this so objectionable, given that you are not allowed to go out at this point? (As an aside, is your conflict with your boyfriend or with your parents?)
I hear you are a jealous person, but that isn’t about your boyfriend. That is about you, and I can tell you that extreme jealousy is definitely not a trait that contributes to happiness and healthy relationships. Do you want to remain vulnerable to attacks of jealousy for the rest of your life, straining future relationships? At your age it may be understandable that you would feel jealous, and yet with time you can work on outgrowing that, if you wish.
In any case, your boyfriend has been straightforward enough to tell you want he wants, and given the situation, what he wants sounds reasonable to me. If his wishes aren’t reasonable to you, then you have two choices, it seems. One is to try to coerce him to limiting his life in order to please you, to spare you from jealousy. I think it is fair that such arrangements generally don’t last very long, in that one person is denying himself to please the other, resulting in resentment, or to the alternative of doing what he wants and then lying about it.
The other choice is to conclude that handsome and gentlemanly or not, he is not the right guy for you!
In any case, good luck!
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Dear Bobani,
It is very hard to let go of someone when we really love them. But it sounds like you love YOU more, which is great. Congratulations. You sound so healthy. And of course you must be uncertain, especially since he is trying so hard to get you back.
I think you did the right thing. He sounds classically unavailable and like he is a ‘crazymaker.’ But in the end only you can answer the question of whether you are overreacting. I think a better question might be: What do you feel comfortable with? Do you want someone in your life who will leave you out alone in the middle of a strange place? When you answer that question, you get closer to vital information about you and what will work for you in a partnership moving forward.
The secret to any relationship is knowing what works for you. It doesn’t matter whether he did “right’ or ‘wrong.’ The only thing that matters is how you feel about it. Your feelings never lie. Obviously the way you felt after that action led you to release him. But you are confused now and don’t know whether you should give him another chance. When you get confused, remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing him. He is who he is. The question is: Do you want to deal with his behavior?
It sounds like you don’t but what if you do decide to give him another chance? What if he does something similar again? Then forgive yourself. Another relationship secret is not to take relationships so seriously. People have things to teach us and when we learn the lesson, we let them go and move on. You may be ready to move on from him now or you may need to do some more ‘research’ with this person. There is no judgment in your process. Just notice how you feel when you interact with him.
Relationships are very loaded for everyone. It’s hard to stay clear. But the great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you get back together with him and find that it is a dead-end relationship, let him go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding unavailable people that when you meet someone who is available, you’ll be ready to give them a chance. When you let go of someone who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful!
I wish you the best of luck in this and all things.
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Bobani,
There are three MAJOR red flags in your story and you might be surprised when I say that none of them have to do with him.
1) You love him. You have been together for only three months. I would venture to say that you barely even know him. I also found it to be interesting that you said your parents won’t let you go out with him. If you have a healthy relationship with your family, that sends up HUGE warning signs…why do they not want you to spend time with him alone? Which brings me to the next issue.
2) Two fiances’…several bad reports. I was just telling someone today that when one person tells you something about someone, who cares? If five do, you might want to pause, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to pump the brakes. Now, if 20 people tell you someone is crazy, mean, unfaithful, sneaky, selfish…whatever, you need to take heed. I often advise women who are in a serious relationship to inquire why the last one did not work out. It is often a “forecast” of what’s to come. It sounds to me like you are seeing what people were warning you about.
3) He is telling you that he wants some space. From personal experience, I can tell you that one of the WORST things you can do in a relationship is not listen to what someone is trying to tell you and instead only hearing what you want to hear. He said he wants to hang out with his female friends…he’s doing that. What you “discover” (although some of your methods do seem a bit…intense) while he does that is kind of par for the course. From what you are sharing, he doesn’t sound like a man who wants the kind of relationship you do; hence you getting the results that you are.
My bottom line advice would be to back off a bit. What people want, they will work for. Don’t do yours and his part. You’ve made it clear how you feel. Give him space to figure out how he feels about it…AND ACCEPT WHATEVER CONCLUSION HE COMES TO.
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