Dan Asked:

“So I’ve met this wonderful girl online last week, and starting on Monday have been talking to her everyday online since then. I’ve even managed to meet her in person, take her out over the weekend on a couple dates, and brought her over to my dorm for a make out session, but here’s the kicker….

We met on campus and now it’s winter break and she went home which is over 2 hours away from me. I’ve been talking to her over the net since being home but she has told me she hasn’t been out yet cuz her friends aren’t back, making me think when her friends are back she might not talk to me anymore. Plus she hasn’t mentioned anything about starting a relationship with me.

I really like her a lot and I wanna be her boyfriend but I’m not sure if I should ask now. I’m afraid she might meet someone back home, so I’ve even thought about driving out to meet her, and would ask her then to be my girlfriend. I’ve read that I should wait for her to ask me? I don’t know what to do and time is slipping away, any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

- Dan

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Dan:

It’s too soon to make a pitch as her boyfriend. She’s still absorbing what she has learned about your physical presence (which includes much more than your physical presence, as you know; it includes your “vibration,” “aura,” energy, eye contact, hygiene, respectfulness, ability to listen, etc—many, many things). You should be absorbing the same material about her before convincing yourself this is a lasting relationship that you must somehow grab in two weeks.

All that said, why not call her, and tell her you would like to visit her during the break (but that you understand if she’s too busy—college kids DO have lots of catching up to do on their breaks, as you probably know from personal experience). Make it safe and comfortable for her by suggesting that you come over around noon, take her out to lunch, spend the afternoon doing something fun; and then go home at a specified time like 5 or 6 pm. That way, you’ve made no assumptions about her availability (in all senses of the word), you’ve respected her time (breaks being consumed with many social and family commitments and issues), and you don’t appear overly needy (as if you have nothing to do during the break but wait until you can resume spending time with her).

As a father of teenagers, I’ve become aware of the hooking-up lifestyle that has largely replaced traditional dating. In some ways, it’s better than the old way, which can carry a lot of pressure and craziness. But hooking up is also building a bad rap among more sensitive girls because it seems to favors “free” physical affection and sometimes sex for the male without much possibility of emotional or long-term commitment, which is something girls tend to seek sooner than boys (maybe that’s why many girls migrate tend to toward older boys as they go through repeated hook ups with boys their own age).

You’re clearly in the running, but that doesn’t mean you should speed up. This is not a sprint. This is mile race. You pace yourself; and you also adjust to the pace of the female. That doesn’t mean you wait for her to ask for things to get serious; it means you build the relationship: by being friendly (not moody); by being attentive and listening well (what does she need from a relationship right now?); and by having the confidence to “stand in line,” if necessary, while she weighs you in her judgment, possibly comparing you to other boys. That’s the nature of the game. Hooking up is a way of obscuring the game somewhat, especially when facilitated by alcohol; nothing changes, everyone’s still free—and everyone is still alone. So the game must go on, subterraneanly. The male offers himself, the female accepts or rejects. It can be a rough game, but played well it usually works out.

- Wise Old Man

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Dan,

There is a fine line between romantic gesture and obsessive behavior. If you drive up there, even under the guise of a “surprise,” it could be easily taken as an infringement on her space,..or worse, an act of desperation. Desperation is never attractive.

Sadly, girls respond to guys that they can’t “have” easily. I know this sounds like game playing, but it’s basic instinct. They want the one that is in demand or that has the strength to stand back, not to be needy.

Back off a bit, be available, but don’t put yourself out there. Eventually, she’ll ask YOU what is up,..and then you will be in a better position to find out about HER feelings. If she likes you, she’ll pursue you at least enough that you’ll know what she wants. If she doesn’t follow when you back off, then she isn’t that into you. It’s sad, to think that could be the case, but you want to know, right?

So just relax,…ease off a bit. Don’t act like a jerk,…don’t be too aloof. Just ease off of the hovering. Respond, but don’t overly initiate the contact. Give her room. She might be sorting it all out, she might just be busy,..she might be really into you. But if you are TOO available, too desperate, she’ll lose interest. Neither of you wants that, right?

Just take a deep breath,…ease off, and be ready for the truth. Who knows? It might be better news than you think.

- Kevin Ford

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Dan…Dan…DAN.

I say this in love.  CALM DOWN.

I know what it’s like to meet someone via email.  Sometimes you end up getting to know more about one another in four inbox exchanges than some people can get to know on 10 dates because it’s all about words…what’s going on inside the mind.

It sounds like the two of you got to a pretty solid start, but in real time, it hasn’t been that long and as much as we love a man to pursue us, there is a fine line between “wooing” and “borderline stalking”.  It’s the holiday season.  Send her a card or some flowers telling her that she’s in your thoughts, you would enjoy seeing her in the New Year and leave it at that.

That’s some pretty safe-and-attentive-at-the-same-time bait.  If she’s interested in taking it to the next level…she’ll bite.

- Shellie Warren

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Woah, woah, woah Dan!

The words you’re about to read are coming from a young woman who knows a thing or two about dating; you’re moving too fast man. I’m glad, no thrilled that you have met a woman who fulfills your needs and makes you want to settle down, but I think you need to examine this relationship a bit. What I mean by that is, not only are you trying to rush into a relationship, but you are overanalyzing her actions. If she likes you, then the arrival of her friends won’t affect her feelings, nor how affect how often you communicate.

One aspect of this relationship that you need to work on is how you are considering driving two hours to spend time with her because you don’t want her to get distracted by another guy. The fact of the matter is, you should travel to visit her because you like her, not because you’re worried about guys that don’t even exist. Driving the distance means that you’ll be spending quality time and displaying your feelings for her through your actions, not words, that you’re a great catch.

Also, I don’t know what era you’re living in or who told you this, but the last time I asked a guy to be my boyfriend was…oh yeah, never. I think you need to spend more time with your special lady; make sure she doesn’t forget about you when her friends arrive. In other words, call her, send her love notes, drive to her or have her travel to your hometown as well. As time passes, you two will slowly see you’re doing things that couples do, and you’ll feel more comfortable asking her to become your girlfriend. Things take patience and hard work, especially long distance relationships; but if you want something or someone bad enough then you will put in the effort and won’t allow them to slip away.

- Porsche Simpson

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Dear Dan:

First off, it’s normal to have so many thoughts running through your head when you like someone, but you should try and stay with the present and not do the “hypothetical thinking” or the “what if’s”.  Hypothesizing about what she is thinking or what she will do when her friends return could lead to sabotaging your future with her if it leads to you being a little neurotic and she picks up on it. It sounds like you are very anxious.  So try and calm down a bit.  Based on what you wrote, I couldn’t determine how long you have been seeing this girl nor could I tell the level of frequency you see her, etc. You indicate you met her online.  If she actively was looking for a relationship or dating based on her ad or profile, then knowing this gives you at least some information of what she is looking for from dating.  If her ad or profile says she is not looking for a relationship, then you may want to hold off.  Perhaps if she is newly out of a relationship, now is not the best time to ask her to be your girlfriend either.

When you can find an “appropriate” time, talk to her or better, write her an email.  Openly communicate your feelings without being overly gushy, is a good thing.  You can say something like “I really enjoy your company and like how things are going between us”.  I am not sure it is appropriate time to ask her to be your girlfriend.  Enjoy the dating aspect of things and getting to know her.  Keep your mind calm and push away thoughts of the “what ifs” and whether she meets someone else.  If she does, she does and she wasn’t for you.  If you have not been intimate with her yet, then this would also be an indicator that it is a little too early to ask her to be your girlfriend.  Unless you have clear indication from her that she would say yes and I don’t get that from your inquiry then hold off until you have a better sense of where she is with the idea.  But DO talk to her and keep the communication open.  Perhaps send her a gesture of a gift or card or flowers or something to express your thoughtfulness related to her.  Let her know you like her, keep communication open, and enjoy getting to know each other.  Don’t rush things and you will know when the time is right.

Ciao

- Robbie Lee

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Dear Dan,

What’s the rush?  If your relationship with this girl will get off to a good start,  you really need to give her space and let the relationship unfold.  She’s gone home for the holidays, to be with her family and friends.  You should do the same, if possible.  You can talk online, but don’t get obsessive with this.  You can easily freak someone out by doing that, and if it’s a new relationship, you really do not want to push too hard.  Just relax, enjoy your life, and when time permits, enjoy her company.

School will start up again before you know it, and you can start the new year off with asking her to be your girlfriend.

Hang in there.  Enjoy the holiday season, spend this time doing what you like.  And don’t obsess.

- Dawn Antonis

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