Gemstone Asked:
“what can you do when you love a girl and she is not giving the love in return?
I feel she doesn’t love me because she doesn’t call ,hardly sends text messages,she is not always eager to see me. I love her naturally. I want you to help me because I don’t want to lose her.”
- Gemstone
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Gemstone,
Love can not be forced. You can not make people want to spend time with us. You can not make woman want to love you merely because you love them. I know this sounds harsh but if you truly love someone than you must respect their decision to not be with you. I am not totally sure that it is a lost cause. Before giving up, I would suggest that you sit down with her and ask her how she is feeling. Perhaps, she is experiencing a trauma or a life crisis and it is influencing her mood. If she then tells you that this is not the case– then you need to move on. I know this is not what you want to hear. But why would you want to spend a lifetime with someone who only slightly wants to be with you. Sometimes, we create these narratives in our own mind and they are so absolute that we can not imagine any other version. But relationships are about partnerships. Imagine you were working at a company and your boss was not happy with you and every chance he got he told you he didn’t want you to be a part of the team. You would feel not wanted. In relationships of any kind, each person needs to want to be a part of the partnership. If this is not the case for this woman after you ask her how she is feeling than you need to walk away. Also, ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who did not really want to be with you. You should not be accepting any less from someone either.
- Meridith Gould
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Dear Gemstone,
Love is not something you can calculate, it’s a feeling. In general, most women prefer to be pursued and often don’t initiate calls and text messages. As far as her being eager to see you, “eager” is a feeling. It’s impossible to know how she feels. I also have a feeling that she may be calling and responding to you more than you realize. I don’t suggest keeping score. What I do suggest, is to tell her what you are thinking. First, ask her if she is comfortable hearing your opinions about your relationship. If she is, then tell her in your own words “I am really interested in you and naturally love you. I often feel like you don’t love me because you don’t call or text often and don’t seem eager to see me. Am I right?” She may be surprised with such a direct statement, which is why I suggest you ask her first. I suggest you stay quite and simply listen to her response. She may clarify that she is very interested, loves you, or is falling in love with you, and is just shy. I’ve worked with several women and men who think they are coming across interested and their partner thinks they are not. Simple communication will hopefully get you some clarity. If she is not in love with you, don’t fret… it often takes women longer because we tend to fall in love once we feel safe to do so. The things that make us feel safe are consistency, and words and actions matching.
Best of luck,
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Dear Gemstone,
loving someone should be unconditional, when you expect a person to respond to you in a specific way you are putting strings on this relationship and eventually strings will strangle the entire situation. If you really love someone accept them as they are, don’t expect them to act the way you want them to, don’t expect them to call you all the time just accept them as they are. If the love is meant to last it will, if not enjoy the time you have with this person and be happy when you are together.
Love and Light
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Greetings Gemstone,
Thank you for submitting your question from across the globe. This truly goes to show that the challenges in creating extraordinary relationships, while subject to local customs and social graces, is a global desire. Next, I truly want to congratulate you on something extremely important that you shared that will be huge in your success with women… and everyone you encounter in life. You started your second paragraph with the words “I feel.” It is so common to hear people say “I think.” Therein lies a fundamental challenge. By feeling, you are coming from your heart… as opposed to thinking, where you come from your head. So, hats off to you for starting in a great place.
There are a number elements to consider… and they are only part of the equation. That said, here’s a few elements I would challenge you to feel about:
- Focus … this is the topic of a recent article of mine that I would offer you to acquaint yourself with if you have not already. In the question you submitted, the same sentence you wrote I feel in happens to also focus on what? You mention four things she does not do. Again, back to the same article, this sounds like B.S. It sounds like you have “rules” for how she needs to behave in order for you to feel love. That said, I would challenge you to shift your focus to making this all about her. If you love this woman this much, the greatest gift you can give her is understanding her model of the world (i.e. what are her rules and B.S.) In doing so, you will learn much more about her…and you will learn more about your compatibility with her.
- Cause and effect… this is another topic of a recent article of mine. Again, I reference what you’ve shared that she doesn’t do. This says to me that your rules (mentioned above) for how to feel love are at the effect of another’s actions. Consider for a moment if one of your rules for feeling love read like this, “I feel love anytime I know that I take action in brightening someone’s day.” If you had a rule like that in dealing with this woman (and anyone else), how often do you feel that you might feel love? That’s right. A lot more frequently.
- Masculine and feminine energy… this is the topic of my next article. Without you having seen it yet, I am going to challenge you look up and read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Deida does a phenomenal job of discussing masculine and feminine energy. I would invite you to explore the ways that women “test” their men and consider that this young lady’s actions, while appearing unloving to you, may actually be “tests.” That said, be at cause … and be the man. I have absolute certainty that if you are at cause and show up as a man, you will learn the truth about the role of this woman in your life.
- If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were. – Richard Bach (an American novelist). I realize that, as you stated, you don’t want to lose her. First, let’s consider a different way to focus on that. Rather than focusing on what you don’t want, consider what you do want… I want to be with her. That said, in order to achieve that and when you better understand HER model of the world, you may have to give her more space…more space to learn about you. As the quote above implies, if she comes back/closer to you, she’s yours (i.e. it’s meant to be.)
I trust that these few points should challenge your levels of consciousness and should bring some great new references to your conscious awareness for your actions in a relationship. Enjoy these distinctions and may you get that which you know you truly deserve.
Make it an outstanding day!
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Hi Gemstone,
This is a great question and you seem very sincere in your love for her. However, to answer your question, there is nothing you can do when you love a girl and she is not giving the love in return. I know it’s not the answer you want to hear, but it is the truth.
I know you love her very much and don’t want to lose her, but I suggest that you ask yourself one question. Why do you want to be with someone who is not initiating and is hesitant in the ways you described? I am wondering how it makes you feel that she is so emotionally unavailable. I am wondering if you want to keep losing yourself.
I think your behavior says what you can’t say and that it may be time to examine yourself and your motives. There are some important reasons why you may be drawn to her.
The most important reason to be attracted to her is that “in a relationship with her” there is no real chance of getting close and having to be truly intimate. Although it will hurt to be with her, that pain actually protects you from having to be truly vulnerable which may feel even more scary.
If that is something that is going on with you–if it’s a pattern you’ve had before with other women–then you can face it and let her go. I know it’s hard and goes against everything you want, but believe me, as soon as you are ready to enjoy a loving partnership with an emotionally available person they will appear! It’s the truth.
If this doesn’t ring true and you’ve never been in this type of a situation before, than this advice may not be for you. But if you are resonating with this, please know that although it’s really hard to face this stuff, it’s also hard to keep waiting for that magic moment when she will be ready to love you. You deserve someone who really loves you and if she can’t or won’t, it truly is her loss.
Best of Luck!
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Dear Gemstone,
My first inclination is to ask if she knows you love her. Now, I don’t mean “she should know because of all of the things that she does for you”, but if she knows because you two have had a face-to-face, verbal conversation about it. If not, you are basing this all on assumption and you know what they say about assuming…it can never be good.
I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make in relationships is assuming that people should “show their love” in the way that they do it. For instance, how do you even know that she’s a phone person? Does she work three jobs and therefore doesn’t have the time to return all of your texts? Now that I think about it, are you two even at a level where she should be contacting you on a regular/consistent basis? All of these are things that you find out yes, over time, but also by having upfront dialogues.
From the way you presented your question, it is not clear to me if the two of you are in a committed relationship or if you are getting to know one another and you have found yourself “falling in love” in the process. (Personally, I think you can love someone by yourself, but to be “in love”, both parties must be in agreement.)
But, for the sake of argument, I am going to assume that this is indeed your girlfriend and a profession of love has been made between the both of you. That being the case, then what do you do when you are loving someone and they are not giving the love in return? You let them know that you are not feeling from them what you are giving to them.
Yeah, it sounds pretty elementary, but it’s the truth. I don’t think love is as complicated as we make it to be. PEOPLE ARE. A book that saved a lot of my relationships is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Basically he says that there are five ways to show that you love someone: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts, Quality Time and Acts of Service. According to him, the problem that a lot of people have is that it’s not so much that the love is not mutual, but that people speak it differently. Like, from what you said, it appears that one of your primary love languages is Words of Affirmation…you need to hear that you are loved. The object of your affection may not care so much about hearing it. She may want Gifts or Quality Time, instead.
Bottom line, Gemstone, it appears that there is a huge breach in communication here. Call her, schedule a dinner and talk it out. People can only be held accountable for what they know. Now, once you’ve told her what you need and after some of adjustment you find that you are not getting it, get back with us.
That’s a whole ‘nother issue, entirely.
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You clearly are feeling very insecure, which will show a lack of confidence to your partner. You definitely want to make sure you feel confident around her.
Start with self and work outward. When you begin to feel good about yourself, your partner will come around. Right now, she is looking for someone who can offer security, and you may not be up for that challange.
I don’t know how long you have been in the relationship, but what do you know about her? Make sure you work on building a foundation of transparency through effective communication. Ask questions that give you an answer about her, what she likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs, etc.
Too often in a relationship, we fail to ask the questions that matter. We think we love someone, but we are afraid to ask the questions we really want answers to out of fear we won’t hear what we want.
Ask all of the questions on your mind (not in a rapid fire manner). If you don’t get the answers you are looking for, it’s okay. It may be that she is not for you. However, you may stimulate some really great conversation and find out that she is an even more wonderful person than you initially thought.
Ask yourself what you ‘love’ about this person. How do you envision your life to be with her and without her. What about your life together? What kind of things would you do? This is how you can personally evaluate whether or not this person is right for you. If you don’t see yourself having fun together and growing closer over time, you may want to reconsider.
You can’t lie to yourself, and you can’t force a relationship. But with work, you can find out how you can stimulate each other and live a happy life together1