Jamie Asked:
“My name is Jamie and I just got married on July 5th. My relationship has moved pretty fast from the start but everything was perfect. I fell deeply in love with my husband. We connected on so many levels even though we have only been together for two years. A month or two before we got married things started to change. Unfortunately we have had a few family matters that have put a lot of stress on us. I find us arguing more than having good moments. My husband is stressed and I know it but he is handling it the wrong way. Well I believe he is handling it the wrong way. He gets up, goes to work, comes home and crabs about stuff not being done, then goes and plays video games until he goes to bed. This is wearing on me immensely. I feel that all I do is clean and do things so he doesn’t complain and we don’t argue. This doesn’t really work because we argue any way. I lost my good job because we got married so our money situation is a huge problem. We still have separate accounts which I know is a problem. He expects me to help pay for everything and I can not afford it. I am broke and he can still buy whatever he wants. So I am trying to find a second job but I see that this means less time with each other. Which we really don’t spend much time together any way. We use to find things to do all the time even if it was simple. Now he seems to get bored with whatever we do together. At night I do see moments were our love shines for each other but as newly weds I would think that this would occur more often than it does. There are so many things that are changing and I feel that I have no control or I don’t know how to fix it. Please help me save the love that I once had, that I want to keep.”
- Jamie
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Jamie,
First and foremost, I don’t think that true and real love is in this equasion as you are both very young. When a man loves a woman he will do anything for her especially early in the relationship (first 2 to 4 years) and after that when the buzz is gone he will also although you become more “settled in”. People change the most between the ages of 20 to 30. Without knowing more information I’m hesitant to go further so I’ll close with this undisputed fact and that is, Women mature at the emotional level much sooner than men do so in essence, you have a big child. Watch out for yourself and become independent from him and that alone may create a shift in his behavior.
Many blessings,
- Robert Burns(Bob)
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Dear Jamie,
You have been married for a mere three months, my dear, and already the oh-so common marital grievances begin to surface. But these symptoms of “trouble” needn’t be the harbinger of doom. Thankfully you two were together for two years before the big step. Do you see how this makes your case a bit confusing to the outside observer? How (to use your words) could things go from “perfect” to such an utter near-loveless wasteland? With all due respect Jamie, you and your husband (and presumably partner, friend, lover…future co-parent maybe?) need to get to a marriage counselor immediately…BEFORE YOU START A FAMILY! I cannot be more blunt and…beseeching! If you introduce children into the stagnant doldrums of this union, it IS doomed and you are now adversely affecting the lives of people other than yourselves! If money is an issue, find a church fellowship that you respect and seek counsel there. I would offer this insight: the warning signs were there before the nuptials; you guys went ahead and got married hoping it would make everything rosy and idyllic– an all too common habit these days. And just as a side note: you alluded to your sexual relations (“at night I do see moments where our love shines for each other”) but did not elaborate. It’s easy to see that sex isn’t the issue (yet) because your letter talks primarily about money and time constraints. Solid, sound, loving relationships based on mutual respect and integrity do not find one partner paying more than their share AND keeping the homefront organized and running. It’s a balanced equation of give & take. Either you married an insensitive bum or there is something you are leaving out of the story. Either way, salvage the wreckage or abandon ship!
- Rebekah Evergreen
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Hello Jamie,
Thank you for sharing your situation with us. I applaud you for recognizing the decline in getting along early on. It’s normal to idealize marriage and what it is supposed to look like. Unfortunately, the reality isn’t always as romantic as the fantasy.
Please stop arguing with your husband. It takes two to argue. Simply say “Thank you for sharing your opinion with me.” If he continues to want to argue, leave the room, go for a walk, or whatever… Once things have settled simply make an appointment with him to talk about whatever the situation is. “I appreciate that you are/were upset. I am interested in hearing your thoughts and sharing my feelings with you. When is a good time?… How about 3:00 on Saturday?” I highly recommend not having these talks when either of you are hungry or need time to decompress. If you are going to speak in the morning, make sure it isn’t a time that’s rushed before work. If you are going to speak after work, make sure there is a half hour at least to decompress before having the conversation.
As I read your question, I heard “performance”. It’s not about “acting”. You currently are not capable of paying your half of the bills. Be vulnerable enough with yourself and your husband to say so. By surrendering your ego, and need to perform, you will be able to have a more authentic dialogue and together come to an understanding for the solution. You are thinking of getting a second job, have you discussed this? You are concerned about spending less time together, have you discussed this? Your job as a wife is to be a partner as is his as a husband. Everything else is negotiable based on what a parntership looks like to both of you.
The most important thing to do right now is take care of yourself. When he “crabs out” ignore it. You can not make him less crabby. So turning yourself into a pretzel isn’t going “fix” his mood. The only thing you can change is how you react to his mood. Do what you can, and once he is calm, share your concern for balancing the chores/expenses etc. When you see those moments of the love shine through, acknowledge it. “Thanks honey, I love it when you are so adorable. Stroke the good, ignore the bad. Eventually, the good will outweigh the bad.”
Take a deep breath, you don’t have to be general manager of the Universe now. You have a partner and it will benefit both of you to treat him as one. Another thing, the first year of marriage is the toughest. A lot of what you are experiencing is transitioning from an “I” to a “we”. You both decided to marry because you were in love and had enough chemistry and compatibility to commit to the rest of your life. It’s only just begun and your willingness to see the issues early on, speaks volumes of your commitment to getting through this bridge. Remember, baby steps!
All the best,
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Dear Jamie,
I will start off with the statement that life is ever changing and that one can either change with it or stay still and once something is still it becomes stagnant and dies. With that said let me move on, I do not believe that one needs to know someone in order to make a successful life with them, when you embark on a commitment whether it be marriage or not one must realize that the life you have will not be the same in a few years, things happen along the way to change everything and it is up to each individual to work through it in their own way and come out together. While you seem to have a handle on the fact that your spouse is handling his own stress in his own way, you fail to state how you are handling it?
I am assuming your question is how do you get things back on track, correct? If this is true then it is simple, one must put other issues aside (outside issues) and give time to the couple. One must understand and accept each one unconditionally and accept how they act in stressful times. Once you do you can focus on the good in each one and focus on that, in turn you will stop seeing the bad and get what it is you want from one another.
As for the job, why did you quit? Did you choose to stay home and have babies and raise them, if so then you are pulling your weight and he will understand this if you point out to him he could have chosen to be the stay at home parent. However if you just choose to stop working due to the marriage then shame on you, its an equal world out there and people need to pull their own weight.
Stop worrying about outsiders and start focusing on yourself, I believe that people have marital issues when they are not as happy with ones self, then how can the other be happy with them? Focus on the good, don’t allow the bad in, find something in yourself and your spouse that you like and things will start to fall into place.
Remember nothing lasts forever, it can, it must change and you either move together on it or move apart either way its all good.
Love and Light
- Lav
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Dear Jamie,
You shouldn’t be having these feelings after only being married 2 months. However, the signs started 2 months prior to marriage.
Differences of opinion will happen, but constant arguing is a concern. This is showing that you two are lacking the necessary communication to sustain long, emotional, trusting relationship.
My suggestion is to set our to plan your relationship. What do you want marriage to be? Describe what an “ideal” day would be, and how you would like to spend time with your husband, while maintaining a job and keeping up with domestic duties. Perhaps you feel he is involved in domestic duties. He also needs to contribute to the plan. Ask what he wants out of the relationship and how you can help him achieve it.
It seems as though things went along well prior to marriage, so I know you are capable of making it work now. Spend time doing the things you did while you were dating. People change, so you have to set time aside to learn about each other.
Get out and enjoy time together. It doesn’t have to be dinner all the time, but studies show that couples who continue to “date each other” go on to sustain long, healthy relationships.
Remember that men and women are different, and need to be treated differently. Find out what your husband wants to do and start sharing in those activities. Also, men are very solution and control driven. To get your husband to do things, ask questions in a way that you get the answer you want, but make him feel like he was in control of making the decision.
He will be more likely to go along with ideas that “he came up with”, even if you came up with the idea.
For more help, view my articles and visit my website.
To Your Marriage!
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Greetings Jamie,
Thank you for submitting your question and for sharing your situation which happens to be playing out in an astronomical number of homes across the country. Your situation has many elements and forces going on, one of which is the highly publicized financial challenges of this country. That said, the challenge ahead of you truly can be mastered through relationship basics.
The first part of your question I’d like to address is the part where you said, “he is handling it the wrong way.” In that one partial sentence you are outright pointing blame and letting me know that you have rules for what is right and wrong in a marriage. The best way to help the two of you is to dispose of the rules and start giving you strategies for creating your extraordinary marriage. If okay with you, I would like to challenge you to play a major role in being part of your solution. While I realize that you may feel that your husband is a major problem in the marriage, it still takes two to argue. I would highly encourage you to familiarize yourself with my articles on cause and effect and what drives us. First things first though… when you are at cause in your relationship, you are creating your outcomes and not waiting for them to happen to you. That said, you being the one that submitted your concern, I would like to put this on you and what you can contribute to getting what it is that you really want. That leads to the next point. You seem pretty well versed in what isn’t working at home. You seem pretty intimate with what you don’t want. In the article on what drives us, I discuss getting what you focus on. For you to get what you want, you are really going to have to focus on what you want (your outcome), not what you don’t want. There is a great quote by Wayne Dyer that embodies this theme – “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Also in that same article, what’s your B.S. What are your rules? Here is something to ask yourself. What does it take for you to have a great day? Write it down. Take a look at what you wrote down. If there are more than 2 things listed, your list is too long (i.e. you have too many rules). What if you only had one rule… everyday above ground is a great day. With a rule like that, how often do you think you would have great days?
As I mentioned above, there are many forces playing out in your home. I believe that in order to get specific results, you need specific strategies. However, this response would become too verbose. Instead, I would like to offer you some resources to acquaint yourself with that should help immensely.
First is The Secret. If you haven’t already watched it, please do. The laws of attraction are real. I mentioned above, you being at cause. I would challenge you to seriously consider what your actions and focus now will attract.
Second is The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Communication is one of the most essential elements in all relationships. However, if one of you only speaks and understands English while the other only speaks and understands Chinese, your communications is going to be strained. Really consider what your husband’s primary love language is and speak to him in his language… not yours. After all, what language would you prefer he speak to you in?
Next is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs. In my article on cause and effect, I mention the Crazy Cycle. My hallucination is that you will relate to this extremely. As I say in that article, nothing will change until one of you is committed to stepping off the cycle.
One more must read is The Way Of The Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Woman, Work, and Sexual Desire by David Deida. While this was primarily written for men to better understand women, I also feel it is a great read for the ladies so they can appreciate the balances in relationships.
And lastly, forget the financial. Unless the two of you address these relationship basics, it doesn’t matter where you sit on the financial scale. In great marriages, pains are halved and joys are doubled.
Jamie, I’ve shared quite a few tidbits here that just skim the surface. An extraordinary relationship may seem quite a reach right now. However, one thing I have absolute certainty about is that if you are committed to an outcome, in this case creating an extraordinary relationship, there is always a way. Having specific strategies and a willingness to be flexible and open to changing your approach possibly many times will get you to where you want to be. In doing so, I encourage you to be true to yourself and show up in your full authenticity (another article of mine) and you will find yourself giving your husband the greatest gift of all… the greatest version of YOU.
Please feel free to contact me if you would care to discuss further. Until then, I wish you all the best you know you deserve.
Make it an outstanding day!
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Hi Jamie,
This is such a good question and you are NOT alone! Many newlyweds experience this situation. In our culture we have been fed the Fairy Tale myth, and that’s why we assume that getting married is going to be happily ever after. In fact it is a huge change—and any change can be stressful.
The Chinese character for change is danger plus opportunity. That’s what I see for you in this situation—a great opportunity. The good news is that you have a solid love for your husband and for yourself. The fact that you are seeking some support proves this. You can get through this and grow the love between you. It is possible and probable. And it will take some work.
When a man plays video games on the level you describe, he is shutting down. It means he’s trying to problem solve. He loves you too and that is what you are seeing when you two connect with each other in those loving moments. I have one client who experienced several stresses soon after getting married, a financial crisis such as you speak of, as well as serious family illnesses. I can tell you that these two people are still married and very, very happy. They made it. You are NOT alone!
In terms of the finances, it’s definitely a good idea to get a job. Being fulfilled will not take you farther away from your partner. My thought is that it will give you purpose and help you to stress less about all the challenges you are going through. In the meantime, I suggest a percentage plan for paying bills. For example, you said you are not able to contribute as much financially since you left a good job—however you are doing a lot of household work. I know it works for many families to find out what the going wage is for those household services and consider that your current “income.” From that you pay a percentage of the shared bills you and your husband generate. Obviously, until you are working a job outside the home it will be a smaller percentage than your husband, perhaps 30% to his 70%.
To save the love that you once had and that you want to keep, it also might be a good idea to see a counselor. A good licensed Marriage and Family therapist can help you a lot. If your husband will not go with you, go alone. Many health plans have low cost options if you select a therapist in their network.
And the truth is you can’t control anything except what YOU do. Life is about change—it’s the only thing that’s a constant. Dig deep for the resources to face this and you will make it. I have a good feeling about relationships that face this kind of a challenge. In fact, there’s an old saying: “The first year of any marriage is the hardest.” Hang in there because you are in good company. If you take action, things will change!
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