Joe Asked:
“I met my wife on match. After dating her for a year we got married. 2 years into our marriage I finally found out that she had been having an affair with this guy at work for about 3 months now. I’m so devastated that she completely broke my heart. I love her very much I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m considering divorcing her, but on the other hand I’m still so in love with her. I just love everything about her. I asked her why she did that and she couldn’t give me a clear reason. She kept saying that it was a huge mistake and she doesn’t want to continue with her affair anymore and she’s begging me not to divorce her. She says she still loves me very much and she’s sorry and she will never do it again. I just don’t know if I should trust her at this point. What should I do? Please help me!!”
- Joe
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Joe,
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this extremely painful situation. When you take an oath and get married, you understandably trust that your partner will honor you and the sacred bond you share. Finding out about such a betrayal is devastating - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Now you are in the position of figuring out what to do. When life throws you a huge curveball, you have the opportunity to either grow from it or avoid facing the truly complex nature of the situation. It is your decision how you want to proceed, but I would suggest that true love and intimacy comes from hard work and taking chances. Now is a good time to resist reacting in an emotional manner. Consider couples counseling to deal with this issue together. You don’t have to see the counseling as what you’re doing to stay together, but rather what you are doing to learn more about what motivated the affair in an environment where someone objective can help mediate the situation. I hope this helps and take good care of yourself, Joe.
- Dr. Seth
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Joe,
I would divorce her as she was cheating on you in the beginning of your relationship when faithfulness is paramount. She will cheat again especially if she went at it for three months. Lets be realistic, if she was in love with you as she says, why was she with some one else? Leave now and find someone who deserves your love and caring.
- Rober Burns
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Joe,
I’m sorry to hear you had your trust breached in such a terrible way. Although there have been relationships to survive infidelity, for those that do, it can be a long and difficult process that takes a lot of effort by both parties, especially the party who breached the trust of their partner. If you do decide to try to save the marriage (and assuming your wife is willing to do what it takes as well), it is strongly advisable for you and your wife to seek the assistance from a professional therapist or counselor. Each relationship is different, in terms of how long the couple has been together, whether they have kids, and many other factors that can affect whether the relationship is salvageable or not. No one can tell you what is best to do. You will have to decide whether you can ever trust your wife again, or if you’re willing to go through the sometimes long and difficult process to rebuild such trust and salvage your marriage.
Regardless of what you decide, however, in the short term, it is best to seek support from close family and/or friends to help you deal with the heightened grief you are likely suffering from at this time. It would also be ideal if you could seek individual therapy for yourself so you can have a healthy avenue to vent and discuss your feelings. Don’t think of therapy as a burden. Rather, think of it as something you deserve to help you get through a difficult time.
Finally, if you have an outlet that provides you a sense of enjoyment, such as a hobby or other healthy interest, it may be helpful to pursue that activity at this time to keep your attitude from being down or depressed for a prolonged period of time. In other words, even in times of crisis or great despair, it is good to have an enjoyable outlet to keep some balance to your attitude and feelings. Exercise is always good. You should of course stay away from alcohol or any mind altering substances. That type of outlet will only make things much worse. If you don’t have a regular activity or hobby that you enjoy, then merely getting out and taking walks in a serene environment can help.
In closing, there is no easy answer to the situation you are in. It will behoove you to be patient in terms of getting over the acute trauma you are likely suffering from. I would not encourage you to seek divorce as an immediate reaction to this event. Divorce is something that should be decided based on cool heads. If not, the divorce process will be much more emotionally difficult to get through, and could increase the trauma you are suffering from now. Let things cool down some before hiring a divorce lawyer or going to the courthouse.
As said, at this time, what may benefit you the most is to find healthy outlets to deal with your feelings and when necessary, temporarily take your mind off of your pain. You should also seek support from close friends or family whom your trust and ideally whom have wise judgment, as well as seek support from professionals (i.e., a marriage counselor and an individual therapist for you). You deserve it.
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Dear Joe,
I am sorry that you had your heart broken. To quote the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, “Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.” But since you do have a functioning human heart, you are feeling a lot of pain right now. But the good news is that your area also still feeling love right now. If you had said that your wife denied the affair, or worse yet, had said she couldn’t choose between you and the other person, my advice would be very different that what I am about to suggest. If your wife truly still loves you and made a mistake, and if you do truly love her, I would work towards reconciliation. Marriage is very tough. This is a challenge for you both. However, it can be fixed - if, and only if, you both truly want it to work. I would suggest couples counseling, because I want to be sure that 1) you can move past your inevitable trust issues, and 2) your wife can learn how to turn to you, not away from you, when times get tough. I think if you can move past this, you will have a solid, strong relationship. If you work through this together, with the same goals in mind, you can make it work. I wish you all the best!
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Dear Joe-
I don’t doubt for a minute that you still love your wife. It’s very natural. I also don’t doubt that she loves you. Many times when a partner has an affair, they are seeking to feel needs that are not being met by the other partner.
This doesn’t necessarily mean sex. In fact, especially in the case of women, sex is rarely the cause of an affair. In the cases of cheating women, they are likely lacking emotional connection and significance at home. Women also tend to have an affair with someone they know, usually a person from work or neighbor. This held true in your case.
The reason they cheat with someone they know is that they are not looking for sex. They are fulfilling other needs. They begin by making an emotional connection. The other person makes them feel important, special, wanted, and needed. They also have a sense of variety and thrill. After weeks or months of this connection, the relationship turns sexual.
My advice, Joe, if you really want to stay in the relationship, is to evaluate your relationship and your contribution. To make it work, you have to be honest with yourself. If you’re not honest, you may as well leave.
Humans have 6 basic needs that need to be filled, and they can be applied in your relationship. The needs are: Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth, and Contribution.
Evaluate your contribution to filling the needs of your partner. Be Honest! Rate each category on a scale of 1 to 10. Do you make wife feel certain? That is, does she know that you will always be there for her? Are you a strong man that stands by her?
Rate the uncertainty. Uncertainty is variety. Are you doing the same things over and over again, or are you changing things up, adding excitement to your lives.
How significant to you make your partner feel? Do you value her opinions, listen to her, make her feel like she is number one in your life?
How much connection and love do you share with your partner? Rate your intimate moments. Only you and your wife should be having intimate moments.
How much do you contribute to the relationship? Do you contribute anything at all?
Lastly, rate how much growth your relationshp has had. A relationship is like a plant. It needs water and light to sustain life!
Rate these aspects from different points of view. First, rate you in the relationship. Then rate what you think your wife would rate you. Then rate your wife.
Then, share the results with your wife, and ask her to rate the categories from the same 3 perspectives. Be ready for the truth! If you and she both answer truthfully, you will find where you need to improve your relationship, and you will also learn from each other HOW to make the relationship better.
For everyone reading this, this is a GREAT way to improve communication in your relationship. Get to know one another. Evolve with the relationship. Many people tell you that you need to communicate better, but they don’t give you the tools to succeed. This is a great tool!
Good Luck to you Joe, and I hope you, and all of the readers, find this information helpful!
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Dear Joe,
I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me but I’m 100% right in what I’m going to tell you. I’m not going to pull any punches. It’s your fault. But, the good news is that it’s your fault! That means you can control the situation and choose to fix it if that’s what you really want to do.
Women are attracted to men who provide safety. (if you want to know why look for my upcoming article - The Secret Power of Alpha Males to Create Uncontrollable Reactions in Women) You don’t realize it but you have been doing less of that lately. You see FUN is a woman’s prime indicator of safety. Think about it, when do you laugh? When you are in a safe and secure environment. It has a direct correlation. You don’t have to do anything else but this. Here’s how you begin to have your wife “fall” for you again. Say this to her, “You know, honey, I’ve forgotten how much fun I used to be. I’m going to get back to being that fun person again.” Memorize that line and say it exactly. Do not alter it in such a way that it appears you are doing it for her. It’s very important that it appear that you are usually a fun person and that you had merely got caught up doing other things. It will feel as if it’s almost an afterthought.
Now you have free reign to be the attractive, fun, and perfect person she married. I’m also sure that you’re not so sure what you did that made you so fun and attractive, so I’m going to give you some things to do until you start to remember your own fun things. I know you might think counseling, talking out what went wrong, and finding out how you really feel about each other are things you should be doing but they are not. The simple answer is that women are attracted to men who seem to control their surroundings. When you look for answers you are obviously not in control. I know you don’t feel in control but that can change, that feeling comes with practice like everything else.
First start with a smile! - a smile, especially the small, devious one makes everything sweeter. Practice in a mirror. (yes, you can practice being good at a relationship!) It doesn’t matter if the smile feels ‘real’ to you, because it looks real to her. (Yes, even your smile)
Be playful! - a good sign that you control your surroundings is to be playful (as if there is no danger) I suggest using my “power words” as well - silly, feisty and cute.
Example: she says, “Hold my purse for a second.” you say, “That’s cute that you think I would look good with a purse.” She says, “Grab me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.” You say, “You’re so silly.” You get the idea.
Kino! - that means touch. Touching is very powerful and very primal. The more you touch someone the more you show you control things. But remember it can never be a forceful touch - that only shows that you are NOT in control which is NOT attractive. It’s a soft, light touch, almost an afterthought, that makes a woman feel good.
And most important in the relationship equation is “New places & New Faces” Women want to experience ‘new places’ with their mate and men want to experience the ‘new faces’ of their mate. As a man that means you must take her to new places. Stop with the every Friday night at Ted’s Jamboree and throw some new things into the mix. But remember you must seem to be in control when you are in new surroundings and that means being calm, speaking slowly and caring about nothing. If you want to be sure visit first alone and talk to the people running the place just to get a feel for everything.
At some point she’s going to want to address what happened. I can’t stress this enough: Don’t do it! She wants absolution but giving it to her is counter productive to your goal. If you’ve already done it, stop right now and go no further. You must come to terms with the idea that people fix themselves, no one else can do it for them. But you, being a rock of safety, will give her enough security to face what she needs to face in her own time. So, when she brings it up say, “Remember how I said I was going back to the fun guy I used to be?” She will say, “yes.” Then you continue, “I don’t think about the past I just enjoy today. Now, go get your (purse, black dress, bowling shoes, etc.) and let’s get out of here.” I’m not going to go into the reasons why talking it out is counter productive but suffice to say it works and I think that’s all anyone really cares about.
From here I think you’ll be great. Remember, don’t think about the past or the future, just today.
And smile!
- Dan
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Dear Joe,
The underlying false assumption here is that her love for you is diminished if she also feels something for another man.
No one person can fulfill ALL the needs and hungers of another - even if they are soulmates.
It is NOT a poor reflection on you, if she has some need that you don’t meet. It would be very unusual to find a relationship where that is not true - maybe something minor like a common interest in a particular type of music.
Perhaps she could not give you a clear reason because she could not admit (even to herself), that the other guy satisfied some deep hunger in her, that she did not find in you.
The place to put your trust is in the fact that she would not allow any interaction with another man to diminish her feelings for you, or subtract anything from your relationship. Please clarify that with her.
You don’t own her and she does not own you.
Real love does not confine, it LIBERATES.
Jealousy comes from fear of losing the other person, and from questioning one’s own worth.
As long as you are secure in your love for each other, no interaction with another person can threaten or diminish it.
Now THAT is real trust.
Best wishes,
- Freedomwizard
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Thank you so much everyone!! These tips are very helpful. I will take everyone of them into consideration.
Joe