Ross Asked:

“I am involved in a “polyamorous” relationship with my wife of 17 years and my girlfriend of 2 years. Recently my wife told me, “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” This came out of no where and I was completely at a loss. This relationship was my wife’s idea. My wife and my girlfriend met and talked. Over time, the two of them will only talk to each other if they have to. My wife says she stopped loving 3 months ago. She does not like to play the “blame game”, yet she wants to throw everything at me from the past that she says I did. Yet anything I try to say about the past, I am playing “tit for tat.” I love both of them with all my heart. I have no idea what to do since she will not talk to me about anything to let me know what happened.

I am looking for anyone who has experience with polyamorous relationships. I feel like my whole world is caving in on me and I don’t know what to do…”

- Ross

Our Experts Responded:

Hi Ross,

I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through. Although the type of relationship is different, the situation is the same. Your wife has closed down, and the way to deal with it is with patience. If you want to communicate with her, and understand why things have happened the way that they have, you must remain patient and optimistic that she will open up. With time, she will begin to. You only need to be receptive towards her feelings. Continue to communicate. Let her know how important it is to understand why she feels this way.

When she answers, listen. She may go into the past, but allow it. She is having these issues because they are still affecting her. The way to get past them is not to put your own issues before her. Why should you? You are not the one having the issue; she is. Listen to her. These are important to her. Let her know, “I understand” (but only if you do, if you do not ask questions). Remain separated from the issue. The objective is to communicate; not to win a match. Remember that.

- Tita & Tibu

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Dear Ross,

I am replying to this because I am also in a “poly” relationship - 13 years.

One thing I know from your question is that your wife has bottled up a huge amount of communications that she feels never reached you. That alone can cause feelings of love to disappear. She may also have done and said some things that she is terrified you might find out about.

Does your wife feel that she gets as much of your attention as she deserves?

If she is not getting along with your girlfriend, that would cause more emotional stress than can be easily maintained. That factor alone would spell doom to your arrangement.

What are your girlfriend’s feelings about all of this?

My suggestion, if your wife will agree, is to find a counselor who is “poly friendly”, to help you dig out all the incomplete communications and things that you have not told each other. And it WILL take some digging! And a lot of careful LISTENING.

You can offer her hope of rekindling the love you once had.

When she said she is not “in love” with you, does that mean she is no longer emotionally dependent on you, or that she is not sexually attracted any more? That needs to be clarified.

Are there any poly support groups in your area? Perhaps you can find some help there.

I wish you well in sorting this all out.

One more thought: sometimes people grow in different directions, and both people can best continue their growth by separating. That can be emotionally difficult, but it is worth an honest look to see if that is the case. At least you still have your girlfriend.

- David Lerner

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Ross,

when you try to explain you’re doing worse than “tit for tat” you’re killing any kind of attraction she feels for you. The same with blaming or being disappointed. You’ve stopped doing the things that build attraction. Start doing them again. Start with, “I’ve forgotten how much fun I used to be. I’m going to get back to the fun guy I am.” Just like that. Not for her, for you. You’re going to start doing fun things for you, but the idea is that she can tag along for the ride. She’ll love that. Tell her where you’re going and when, even tell her what to wear. Don’t ask. Just tell. Women love to be taken out without having to worry about what to do. You must learn that asking their opinion when going out is a bother, they want to enjoy the ride and it’s up to you to give it to them. You don’t command, the silent option they have is that they can just not hang out with you. At times you can even say it. So long as they have the option of doing what they want they will love doing something fun and exciting you come up with. When you make the decisions she will feel like you are showing her attention buy taking care of her. And throw some teasing in there. Teasing is the foundation of any relationship. Nice teasing. Never mean, that shows they can control your emotions which is a turn off.

Smile and start calling the shots and inviting her along for the ride.

- Dan Hltt

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Dear Ross,

It appears that you have set up quite a situation for yourself. You have misjudged women’s basic nature, which is to want an exclusive relationship with a soul mate. Although both women have tried to act like your adulterous - as you call it “polyamorous” - situation will work, it goes against human nature. Maybe your wife was trying to humor you in hopes that the other woman would go away. Your girlfriend may be just biding time until you divorce your wife. The bottom line is that both women probably want you exclusively. They may have led you to believe that you can have your cake and eat it too, but it is you who must decide between the cake (your wife) and eating cake with a girlfriend.

Sincerely,
- Love Nanny

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