April Asked:

“Ok, so I’ve been married for 11 yrs and I’m still with him for the sake of family. Over a year ago I found an old boyfriend on myspace and started to reconnect. I’m now starting to notice how intense my feelings are again for the ex-boyfriend and now I’m confused about both relationships. He has a girlfriend for 10 yrs. Now he is unhappy with his life and won’t tell me whats on his mind or how he feels. I’m so confused. Help! What should I do?”

- April

Our Experts Responded:

Dear April,

First I will acknowledge your statement of being with him for the sake of the family. In stating this it shows that you are already unhappy with your situation. When a couple is already having issues and one chooses to stay with that person just for the children it won’t work. One must commit themselves to the situation and if one is not truly happy with the mate then it will only make life miserable for the children. See by not putting yourself first in this situation you teach your children by example to go through life and be unhappy by just settling for a mediocre life. If you want to teach your children to grow into healthy happy adults then you must live as a healthy happy adult.

In response to your second issue about the ex boyfriend, it is nice to reconnect with someone from your past. However, there were reasons you decided not to move forward with them, you need to understand that he is not your out, nor are you his, you both need to focus on happiness from within and not look for a crutch in him. If he chooses not to speak with you about what is wrong with his world then so be it. Be his friend and except this, if it is to work for you both then you need to work on your world prior to working on his.

- Lavender Green

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ALOHA April,

Before we start I wish you an inspired and Loving Future!!

Your confusion is based on NOT being  truthful to yourself and your true desires! You have values, your husband  has a different set of values. When you 2 come together with Love and appreciation  Your hearts and minds will Form an Alliance based on LOVE and Gratitude!! You will no longer stay together “for the Sake” of the children but for your LOVE for each other! Right now the energy is based on ego and uncertainty. The other EX is just showing you to love parts of yourself and your husband you are not loving!  You are infatuated( a lopsided perception) with the “old” emotions or feelings. Your feelings and energy toward your ex is pulling energy away from You and  your family!

You are not  Being honest to YOUR TRUTH. Relationships are NOT designed to make you or the other person Happy but Fulfilled. They are designed to Spread  Love and  teach Lessons of Love! I recommend the book “Heart of Love” how to move past fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment by Dr. John Demartini. It will improve your internal dialogue so you feel  you are whole even without your husband! You are searching for TRUE Love for yourself and others!!

what is the secret to TRUE LOVE? Simply LOVE TRULY!!

- Tom Passerella on Kauai

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Dear April,

If you feel that the spark in your marriage has dwindled to the point that you no longer want it, before entertaining or nurturing the interest of an old love, you should first deal with the current relationship to see if you can get it back on track, or if it is truly over.  If all good faith efforts to save the marriage fail, then at least you’ll know you gave it your best shot.  Also, it’s best to let the wounds of the failed marriage heal first, before getting into something new.  Then when you have gotten over the trauma of the demise of the failed marriage, you could see if you still want to pursue your old love.   If/when truly single, you may have a change of heart about your old love.  There are lots of fish in the sea, and if single, you’ll be better able to fish for them with a clear conscious.

If handled in this way, you will likely feel better about yourself that you didn’t breach your husband’s trust; that you didn’t act in a way that you’re not proud of in terms of if your family knew you were maintaining some form of duel relationships, and most importantly, that you don’t set up a new relationship to fail, assuming it has great potential.  If the new relationship begins while you’re still entangled in the difficulties of the failing marriage, you will reduce the chances that the new relationship will last.

Although it is difficult to be alone (even while still married), it’s best to tie up loose ends first, rather than act in a way which creates more potential problems.  For the sake of being able to look back at your conduct and feel good about it, it’s best to make decisions in a way now so that you can feel proud of yourself later, even if those decisions seem hard at present.  Often time what seems hard now, is actually the easy road (when considering where you want to be in the future).

- Michael J. Apicella, Esq.

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Greetings April,

Thanks for your question. The situation you raise is no doubt a tough one.  Thank you for raising your question though as it is a situation that is playing out in some form or another in homes all across this country. To start, here’s a reference I would like to offer to you and others in these situations where you have this all encompassing thought, “I’m so confused. Help! What should I do?”  What is the meaning you are assigning to your situation? From your question, above all the emotions and feelings you are likely experiencing, confusion seems pretty high up there.  And it seems that this confusion has you feeling stuck.  That said and to help you towards the best answer for you, I would like to invite you to review my article on What drives us… and what doesn’t.  In that article, I talk about what we focus on.  Having said that, I would like to challenge you to consider a different meaning for confusion.  As you now move forward, is it also possible that being confused means you are about to learn something?  Of course it does.  That said, from this moment forward, when you feel confused, raise your arms up and say, “Yes!  I’m about to learn something.”

Now that you’re about to learn something, let’s dig in (as much as we can here). I’d like to challenge you to separate the two situations (your marriage and your ex-boyfriend’s 10 year relationship).  Let’s focus on one, in particular, your marriage.  My hallucination is that if you get absolutely clear on your situation at home and determine the outcome that’s right for you there, the other situation will straighten itself out.  At the same time, it would be really great if your ex-boyfriend did the same regarding his long term relationship.  Moving right along.  I would like to invite you to read two of my other articles… one on Authenticity and the other on Cause and Effect.

With regard to my article on authenticity, I honestly challenge you to get clear on who you are at your core.  What is your truth?  And how is being clear on that truth going to set you free?  What kind of amazing relationship or marriage will you be enjoying when you are living at your core, living your truth?

With regard to cause and effect, in all honesty, can you tell me that you have been completely at cause in creating an amazing marriage?  As I state in that article, it is very likely that you are on the Crazy Cycle as described by Emerson Eggerichs.  My hallucination is that you feel that your needs simply aren’t getting met in this marriage.  (I can go into a very long conversation on needs and would be willing to offline.)  At the same time, I would be willing to bet that your husband feels very much the same way.  Here’s the unfortunate truth with regard to cause and effect.  Assuming my hallucination is correct, neither one of you has been at cause in seeing that the other has had their needs met… and therein lies the answer to why you even are looking at myspace… to find a resource to have your needs met.  In the same article, please note what I said about what it takes to get off the Crazy Cycle.  Until one person is “at cause” and is committed to stepping off the crazy cycle, BOTH stay right there. Note that I said until ONE is committed. This is what I mean by being at cause to create what it is that one truly desires. I realize that sometimes the behaviors of the other person can seem really hurtful or inappropriate. However, it is during such times that we are reminded that we too must be part of the solution as it takes two to tango.  All that said, I would like to challenge you, with all integrity and authenticity, to be at cause at home with your husband.  I challenge you to fill him up for 30 days at least and preferably 90 days.  When I say fill him up, I mean meet his needs… at high levels (8,9 or 10 on a scale of 1 to 10).  Think of all those things you used to be excited to do for him.  Be at cause and be that amazing woman you are at your core… and see your husband’s response.  My hallucination is that by you taking the first step off the Crazy Cycle, you will start to see reciprocation.  As a matter of fact, it will start to be fun again.

Have you ever heard the quote, “when mom’s not happy, no one’s happy?”  That said, and assuming there are kids (as you mentioned for the sake of family), it seems you are willing to settle quite a bit for the sake of your family.  Do you realize that by settling you are embodying that quote to the rest of your family?  In reality, your settling is hurting your family.  That said, my hallucination is that you would really like the rest of your family to be happy.  That said, what lesson do you want to teach them?  Do you want them to learn to settle and be unhappy?  Or would you rather see them commit themselves to what they truly want in life and go after it?  That said, are you willing to now commit to doing whatever it takes to “make mom happy” for the sake of your family?  As I started above, you will learn something.  If after 90 days, you have been at cause and set a great example for your family, and everything is better than can ever be imagined, great.  If that isn’t necessarily the case, you may have learned that change is necessary, and you can do so knowing that you did everything to learn the truth about the marriage you are in.

April, you asked for help understanding this. My outcome is not to help understanding it going backwards. Rather, understand it going forwards. The past does not equal the future. There is no such thing as success and failure. It’s success and learnings. If you noticed here, I’ve paid little attention to the story points or your ex-boyfriend. The best thing for you is what’s great that you can learn going forward. Honestly, your ex-boyfriend needs to do the same for himself.  Go out there and get clear on what your extraordinary relationship looks like, sounds like and feels like… and go be the amazing woman you are and be an extraordinary example to your family.

I trust that these few points should challenge your levels of consciousness and should bring some great new references to your awareness for your actions in a relationship. If we had time, I would love to get into feminine and masculine energy. If you would like to learn more on that, I’d be happy to chat further. Enjoy these distinctions (above) and may you get that which you know you truly deserve.

- Andrew Fink

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Dear April,

OK, a few things.  First of all, what is “staying together for the sake of the family”?  If there is tension, unhappiness, arguing, etc, how is that better for a family?  Sometimes, separation is better.  Now, if you are so unhappy as to seek out a past love, that tells me that you are seriously looking for a way out.  Perhaps you want to end the relationship, but don’t know how.  If you get caught in a new relationship, it might cause your marriage to end.  This is not a good strategy.  My advice, simple.  Either stick with it, get counseling, and make your marriage work, or end it now, before you get involved.  There is no way that you can give two relationships the attention they need, and it’s not fair to either party – much less yourself.  I would take a bit of time to think, but really, don’t get into a new relationship while you are still in one.

- Dawn Antonis

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Dear April,

It seems to me that you have a couple of different things going on here.  I do not think that there is a simple answer for your troubles.

First I would be questioning your relationship with your husband.  11 years is a long time and I think that deserves to be resolved.  If you love him you need to communicate and work on your relationship.  If it is indeed over than there is action you need to take to leave if that is what you need to do.

I understand your feelings for your ex and I think it is normal, especially given that you are not happy at home right now.  Women need to seek the feelings of love and excitement from someone and that person may not be the one that is home if they are not feeling loved and appreciated.

What concerns me is this ex.  He needs to figure out his own life and deal with it. Right now he is not available to you in any other form than friendship.  He has not spoken of ANY feelings to you whatsoever.  He may be doing the same thing you are and that is also not healthy.

In conclusion, you both need to figure out your own lives before there is a remote possibility of anything with each other.  Anything less than that is a lack of respect for the other people in your lives and it is just not appropriate.

- Heather B.

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