Cindy Asked:
“My husband spends most of his time hanging out at the bar with his buddies after work and then he comes strolling in anytime after 8 PM and then eats his dinner, might veg out on the internet to look at porn, and then goes to take a shower, then off to bed. Not at all interested in me. Always says I need to stop bothering him especially about sex. What should I do?”
- Cindy
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Cindy,
Sounds to me like it may be time to move on. What would you really be missing without him? Getting treated badly and taken for granted. You may have to adjust to being on your own but it may be just what you need. You don’t have to get divorced but a period of physical and emotional separation would do you good. There are plenty of men in the world who want someone to love and pamper. You don’t have to put up with someone like who doesn’t care about you or who can’t show it.
I advise separation and then you getting to know yourself. What are your hopes and dreams? Is this man contributing to them? Sure give him a chance to turn it all around but in the meantime be good to yourself. Life is too short! Follow your dreams! Be strong, have faith and a good love will come to you!
Also see quiz “Is it time to Break up?“
- Bella
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Dear Cindy,
Is your husband’s drinking excessive? Is he two different people sober and under the influence? You may benefit from Al-Anon. If the looking at Internet porn is a regular thing, you might also benefit from a 12-step fellowship for families of sex addicts (I think it’s called S-Anon). If nothing else, going to meetings will get you away from him when he’s being insufferable.
Even if he’s not an alcoholic or sex addict, he may have depression — in men, it tends to manifest as irritability rather than sadness. Suggest he make a doctor’s appointment. As a last resort, make one for him.
When you do communicate with him, keep it honest and assertive but as positive and kind as possible. Focus on how his behavior makes you feel. Say, “I love you and I’m concerned about your health,” rather than, “You need to go to the doctor (or to AA, or SAA).”
Finally, what are you doing while he’s doing his thing? Spend some time on your interests (or pick up new ones), and keep yourself so busy that he’ll miss you and ask you to spend time with him.
All the best,
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Dear Cindy,
My advice is to see a counselor about why it is you have such low self esteem. Why do you feel you deserve to be ignored and treated with such little respect? You deserve more from a relationship. You should leave this man, and be alone. Being alone is healthy, and being alone is better than being with someone who treats you like garbage. If this man really does behave in this way, he does not deserve you. It sounds like he deserves no one but himself, to be honest. But you, my friend, need to look deep inside you and find out why you feel this is worthy of you. Take time away from relationships. Be alone. Talk to someone, friends. Re-engage in a hobby. What did you do with your time that you enjoyed before you met him? What brought you joy? Find that again, and find the joy and happiness within yourself. Good luck!
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Hello Cindy,
We can not control how other people behave. All we can control is how we REACT to their behavior. We teach people how to treat us, by rejecting negative behavior.
Your husband is not perfect, he’s spoiled. He has every right to go out with his buddies, come home and watch porn, and not want to change. He is acting like a roommate and it has been working for him. You mentioned “his dinner”. If you are making his dinner, you might want to stop and focus on yourself and your own self care. This is a way of saying “no” to being treated like a roommate. The only thing you can change is your behavior. If his porn isn’t comfortable for you, leave the room. If he asks you to bring him something, say “thank you for asking and no” and go on with whatever you were doing. If he asks you about it, say “I’m not comfortable being around you when you are looking at porn.” Just be honest, don’t be mean or angry.
Please stop asking for sex, questioning him, and adding stress to your life. This isn’t good for your health, or your marriage. It’s hard for me to understand why you want to have sex with someone who isn’t considerate of your feelings. You have every right to continue to be a doormat and victim to his behavior. However, if you want him to stand up to the plate and cherish your feelings, you must stop mothering him, “act” respectful, and love yourself first. You can only do your half.
Loving yourself first is a great place to start doing your half. You are also very capable of meeting your girlfriends after work, seeing a film, get a massage, a manicure, pedicure, go for a walk, visit with your best friend, whatever feeds your soul and makes you feel good. The best way to find joy is to look at the things in your life you are thankful for and focus on them. SELF CARE is an amazing cure.
You will be surprised at how small changes in your behavior, will muse him into a loving man. Since he tells you to stop bothering him, I don’t suggest speaking to him about any of this. Simply respect and appreciate the good things he does, take care of yourself, and say NO to anything that doesn’t feel good.
Best wishes and be good to you!
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Dear Cindy,
This is a common problem among some married couples. I am unsure as to which issue (the Internet) or the hanging out is more of a problem. But first things first, if his being out at the bar every night with his friends find out why from him he feels a need to go there each night. I would not suggest that you tell him to stop flat out due to the fact that this will cause more problems but also when you tell a person they cannot do something then they have a tendency to want to do it more. I would find a common ground with him on this subject and request he limits his time at the bar. As for the Internet, there are so many individuals who are addicted to this it has become a very big topic of conversation, personally I would disable the Internet for a night and request him to speak to you on this issue. Find out why he feels the need to go to the Internet in the first place. Once you establish this information you will be able to solve the problem. Sometimes people with addictions need help to deal with them; however I believe that most addictions are in the mind and the mind can heal most things.
Be open minded when you speak to him and don’t accuse or assume you know all the facts.
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Dear Cindy:
As I read your question, I am filled with many questions, but I’m sure not as many as you have right now. Right now, you are probably feeling alienated, alone, and are wondering what you have done to cause this. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married, but you are probably thinking that it has been a waste if this is what it has come to. But before you get too depressed, let me offer some help.
I’m concerned for your relationship if this activity is happening on a daily basis. There are deeper problems that are causing your husband’s pattern of behavior. We really need to understand why he is doing this before we can really fix anything.
Start out by writing down what it is that you expect from your relationship. How did things ‘used to be’? What are the reason’s you married? What has changed about you, your husband, and your relationship?
How long has this behavior been happening? It sounds like it has been a while. Reading your question makes me think that your husband may be having an affair. Remember that there are different types of affairs and different levels. If you husband is not interested in you emotionally or sexually, he may be satisfying these needs elsewhere, maybe even with himself.
There is much more to look for before you can ‘accuse’ your husband. There are signs to look for, behaviors to watch, and questions to ask. But no matter what you find, there are 2 certainties…
1. You are having problems with your marriage.
2. They can be fixed.
Even if it is an affair, statistics show that 82% of people who have affairs can get over the affair and live a better life with their spouse. An affair, hurtful as it may be, is really an eye-opener to the underlying problems in your relationship.
Some of the problems stem from lack of effective communication, fear of intimacy, and lack of trust. Thankfully, we have exercises to help you with these issues, whether there is an affair or not.
What your husband is showing right now is classic signs of maintaining control in the relationship. He is being able to dodge intimacy and keep control by everything happening on his terms. A lot of men struggle with relinquishing control. He restrains intimacy by ‘pushing you away’. What happens is you get frustrated and begin to ask questions about why this is happening. Naturally you feel angry, and maybe even think something is wrong with you. But you have to try, as hard as it may, to not give him a rapid fire question session to figure out what is going on. You certainly know some things your husband likes, so try just asking him to do that. Plan in advance. He may enjoy it. Also take an interest in other activities he has which will help stimulate conversation. It’s going to be tough, but it’s a start.
Once you begin to break the ice a bit, you can let him know what your needs are. Be honest. What have you got to lose? You’re already unhappy. Stay calm, however. Then you can start to share with him how his behavior makes you feel. Try not to lay it on him too thick, though, or it may come at him as challenging. I suggest offering something he does that makes you feel good as well. Try something like, “I really loved it when we……? I feel so empty when we don’t get the chance to go out together.”
Being open and honest will also leave a foundation in which to build trust. Right now, you are feeling insecure, and you are losing trust in your spouse. Try getting him to open up, and you open up to him as well.
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Greetings Cindy,
Thanks for your question. You bring up a GREAT concern that honestly is at the core of why relationships are so challenged in our society today. If okay with you, I would like to answer your concern by challenging you to play a major role in being part of your solution. I would highly encourage you to familiarize yourself with my articles on cause and effect and what drives us. In addition, watch a video clip from Tony Robbins speaking at the TED conference in 2006 on Why we do what we do, and how we can do it better.
Now let’s get started. I wish to congratulate you on your question, What should I do? I love the fact that you asked what YOU should do and not your husband. This tells me you are willing to be at cause and part of the solution. Before we can figure out what you should do, I would like to reference a few of the most important elements from the Tony Robbins clip.
1. What’s the other person’s model of the world? (In this case, your husband.)
2. The 6 Human Needs (discussion starts halfway through the clip)
3. Give, give, give
Tony talks about why we do what we do. How would you like to know why your husband is doing what he is doing? Here’s a clue… he’s satisfying his needs. Here’s another fact about the 6 human needs. When anything that anyone does (good or bad) satisfies at least 3 of them at high levels (8, 9 or 10 on a scale of 1 to 10) that’s an addiction. So, if the scenario you described is happening on a regular basis (My husband spends most of his time…), he is satisfying at least 3 of the 6 needs at high levels.
Back to your question… what should you do? If you truly want to see your husband’s pattern change, as I stated above, you need to be part of the solution and be at cause. That said, you need to interrupt his pattern. How? By replacing it with something more fulfilling that meets at least 3 of his needs at high levels. By giving, giving, giving… giving you… in a way that satisfies HIS needs, he will once again become addicted to YOU. My hallucination is that is what you truly want. I realize that you are likely to ask how you should meet his needs. That, Cindy, is something you probably already have a good idea about. I would challenge you to think back to a time when he was probably addicted to you, probably early in your relationship. See what you saw back then. Hear things that you used to hear. And truly feel those things that you were feeling. Once you are there, you will have a pretty good picture of things you used to do to fill him up (i.e. meet his needs at high levels). Here’s the beauty though… see how he used to treat you and respond to you when you did all those wonderful things.
Cindy, you asked for help with what to do… going forward. The best thing for you is what’s great that you can learn going forward. Go out there and get clear on what your extraordinary relationship looks like, sounds like and feels like… and go be the amazing woman you are to create the extraordinary relationship you desire and deserve.
I trust that these few points should challenge your levels of consciousness and should bring some great new references to your awareness for your actions in a relationship. If we had time, I would love to get into feminine and masculine energy. If you would like to learn more on that, I’d be happy to chat further. Enjoy these distinctions (above) and may you get that which you know you truly deserve.
Make it an outstanding day!
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Cindy,
There is almost nothing worse than feeling unimportant and ignored in love. I can imagine you are feeling a lot of pain right now, and I hope that you have some others in your life who are helping you with this burden.
The solution is not simple, but here are a few things to keep in mind.
I am guessing that you have already tried talking with your husband about your feelings, and he may have suggested you stop “bothering” him. As an attempt to overpass this and get some honest communication going, I would suggest doing something that the two of you love doing together, to get both your spirits up. Once things loosen up, he may open up to you about anything that may be on his mind; which could clue into why he is acting the way he is.
Discuss the issue in a way that won’t make him defense or make him shut down. Using the classic “I feel ignored” statements versus “You’re ignoring me” is but one way to phrase this differently.
It is very frustrating to communicate with someone who isn’t communicating back. We call this “stonewalling” behavior. This type of behavior shuts down the lines of communication and breeds contempt, which are major indicators of marital dischord. In the event that you cannot work things out yourself, I would suggest thinking about couple’s therapy. This will allow you to have a safe and structured environment to work through some of the issues you have together. Faulty communication can be fixed.
Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself. It is not your sole responsibility to care for this marriage; you are a team and should work on this together. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself to something you know that will make you feel great. You deserve something good.
-Joe Stewart
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