Trina Asked:

“I have been talking to my gentleman friend about being open and honest with me. In the past I would freak out when I felt he wasn’t honest with me. He even got to the point that he would turn his cell phone off when I was there because I would overact about his female friends who called.

I have become more confident as he is more honest with me.

Know he deletes the numbers of female friends who call him. He is 72 years old and has women who stay connected with him because he will help them out financially.

Why does he delete cell phone numbers from his phone?

I do admit that I used to look in his phone, and have actually got phone numbers and looked them up on the internet and ask him who is that particular person; but, I would not let him know that I checked his phone.”

- Trina

Our Experts Responded:

Greetings Trina,

Thanks for your question. You bring up a GREAT point that honestly is at the core of why relationships are so challenged in our society today. If okay with you, I would like to answer your concern with a huge challenge to be undertaken. In addition, this response will not be soft or sugar coated. The purpose in that is to really emphasize how much of a problem the factors I will discuss below are at the root of so many problems in our society. More so than any of my previous answers or articles, I am going to challenge everyone reading this to consider what might happen if there were a paradigm shift in relationships in this country. Here’s what I would like you to consider… if when meeting people first, what if everyone would be truly authentic (see my previous article on authenticity) and loved and trusted FIRST. Think for a moment. Courting is more defined by getting to know first, developing trust over time, learning to love, and holding back one’s truest feelings behind masks and facades. Then, if the other person plays by our rules, we then let them in. People hope for magic and love through actions that are subdued and masking of truths. Now, imagine a world where you never had to worry about untruth and hidden feelings and emotions. Here’s the real truth…people would find out the real truths a lot faster and there would be far less pain and far less imperfect unions. Consider this, does the mother of a baby take time to warm up to a newborn or do they instantly love unconditionally? And in doing so, how does that mother generally feel? Generally, they feel more fulfilled than most other areas of their lives. How did Mother Theresa and Princess Diana conduct themselves when meeting new people?

The above is a HUGE challenge in society today. However, here’s what’s great about knowing this… now that you have this reference, you have a choice. You can choose to be part of the problem or part of the solution (i.e. you can be at cause or at the effect). Did I just say “cause and effect?” I did. That said, I strongly encourage you to review my recent article on it if you haven’t already. This is a phenomenal example for understanding how this one relationship basic dominates everything we do and experience.

Let’s look at the authenticity in your situation. And let’s do so from a perspective of being at cause. It is QUITE clear that there is an integrity issue in the story you have shared. And by the way, it is a story. In life, there is one major fact that has assisted me in understanding why we do what we do. The simple fact is that how anyone does anything is how they do everything. (Yes, that is worth re-reading… over and over.) So, what you have been so kind to share here is a story. My hallucination is that this is just one example of many places that this challenge has and does show up in your life… and the lives of many reading this. That said, how would you feel if we got to the root cause to address all the situations in your life that have a similar theme? Here’s the amazing truth… you already know the answer and as a matter of fact you implicitly stated it in what you shared. You said, “I have become more confident as…” Trina, the real simple answer (yes, simple answer) is self love. Here’s what I would like to challenge you, and the many reading this that can relate, to do. Go stand in front of a mirror. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Open your eyes. Consider a 1 to 10 scale with 10 being absolute unconditional love. How would you rate the love you have for the person you see in the mirror? I know this little exercise will create some real discomfort for many. However, here’s the beautiful thing about it… and about truth. The truth will set you free.

Ok. Let’s all splash a little water on our faces and take a deep breath or 2, or 3, or 4. Yes, learning this can be an absolutely beautiful thing. Why? Because here’s the amazing incentive for all that did not say 8, 9 or 10. For those folks, if you got to a point where in your truest authenticity answered 8, 9 or 10, imagine how your life can be when you do respond that way. See all the great things that can be in your life, hear amazing sounds that you might hear and feel so many awesome feelings you might feel. SO… when now would be a great time to move in a direction that we all truly answer the question above with an 8, 9 or 10… or above? That said, this is the perfect time to be at cause and as I have mentioned before courtesy of Dr. Wayne Dyer, at intention (read The Power of Intention). I challenge you to truly address this in your lives so you too can see and appreciate all the great things that many of the people you know already love and appreciate about YOU.

In part of the paradigm shift I mentioned above, I suggest a true authenticity. It’s the truth that truly sets us free. That said, what is untruth? Sometimes they are just little lies… little lies that after hearing them so many times we come to believe them. Have you ever heard that it takes 17 lies to cover up every 1 lie? I have previously challenge this site’s readers to acquaint themselves with the works of Gary King. His mantra is that there is no such thing as an inconsequential lie. Keeping this brief and having said that, based on what we established above about living one’s truth, when now would be a great time take the Power of Truth to heart? I can go on and on regarding integrity and truth. However, I will close this point by sharing that in full truth, you will attract and be attractive to the perfect companion for you. Sometimes that companion may be for just dating and sometimes that companion may be for a lifetime. So here’s the challenge, always show up in YOUR full authenticity, living your truth. In doing so, you will give everyone you come in touch with an absolute gift. That said, picture this. If you truly were at cause in the things I suggest here, and you showed up in that way, how in awe would this gentleman be of you? How smitten would he be? AND… how much certainty would you have that this man was all yours and you had nothing to worry about?

Trina, if you’ve made it this far in this answer, congratulations. I have intentionally not gotten into the details of your situation or discussed your gentleman friend in any detail. The points discussed above should challenge your levels of consciousness and should bring some great new references to your awareness for when you interact with this gentleman … and anyone else you ever come in contact with. If we had time, I would love to get into feminine and masculine energy. If you would like to learn more on that, I’d be happy to chat further. Enjoy these distinctions and may you truly acknowledge and appreciate your greatness.

Make it an outstanding day!

- Andrew Fink

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Dear Trina,

The fundamentals of any healthy relationship are are always open and honest communication, coupled with respect. I am troubled because I don’t see too much of either of that on either side of this relationship. Are you respecting him by checking his incoming call log? Is he respecting you by taking calls from other women (friends or not) when you are together? It seems like you both need to have a discussion over the boundaries of the relationship. And set rules that apply to those boundaries, like not accepting non-urgent phone calls when you are together, and respecting the privacy of each other. Then, follow those guidelines. If you cannot, then you need to do some serious self reflection to determine if you really want to be in this relationship.

- Dawn Antonis

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Hi Trina,

Thanks for your question. It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of energy into “researching” this guy, instead of getting to know him. The truth is, you don’t know why these women are calling him, why he erases numbers, and it really doesn’t matter. What matters is how he treats you, how you like each other, and whether or not you are BOTH interested in moving into something more exclusive. At 70, he’s
probaby not likely to change. Do you accept him, with his current friends, and habits? If you do, than great. If you don’t, than there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Life is too short to be a part time private eye or to stress yourself out about why someone behaves the way they do.

Good luck and I wish you all the best,

- LA Love Coach

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Dear Trina,

Your lack of trust within yourself is affecting him trusting You!! He may be there to teach you to trust yourself more – I recommend 3 books, “Silent Power” by Stuart Wilde and “Heart of Gold -how to go beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment” by Dr. Demartini and also “Count your Blessings” By Dr Demartini.

Your internal makeup “garden” is not fertile enough right now to earn a truly fulfilled relationship – Be true to the LOVE for yourself and the attraction will be a powerful magnet!!

There is Simply Love; All else is a calling for Love!! Right now you are calling for a deeper relationship. When you Truly TRUST yourself you will truly have a trusting relationship with someone else!

- Tom Passerella on Kauai

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Dear Trina,

I have a couple of questions for you. How is your relationships communication? What are your issues?

If your communication is good and you are secure in your relationship then none of this is a big deal. You need to let it go, if that is the case.

If your communication is off then I recommend you deal with your communication issues. Talk with each other, express your concerns and go from there.

If you are having trouble dealing with any women he talks with, then I feel that is something that is YOUR issue and not his. He may just be deleting numbers because he knows you will over-react by seeing them on a phone you have no business going through. It is an invasion of his privacy and rude.

Now, if he is not being honest with you or is hiding from you then that is wrong, but it still boils down to communication and the two of you needing to have conversations about it.

I would focus on your relationship with him. That is the most important right now. I think the other women he may or may not be talking to is secondary.

Best of luck to you,

- Heather B.

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Dear Trina,

Before asking your “gentleman friend” anything, ask yourself why you’re so insecure and jealous. If he’s given you good reason to be (and I would say that unless his last name is Trump, Gates or Hilton, helping to support other women financially falls into a grey area there), are you sure you want to continue the relationship? If he’s been upfront and honest with you and it truly is your perception that is skewed, please consider examining these issues with a therapist and/or women’s support group before pursuing this friendship any further.

- Meghan Donovan

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