Ariel Asked:

“My fiance and I have been together for 5 years now. We have a beautiful 2 year old son. We were each other’s first in everything…. kissing, holding hands and we were both virgins when we met. When I entered this relationship I really pictured it differently. I left a lot of things to be with him (my family, schooling, friends, church) and made a lot of bad decisions. However, I saw what no one else could see- not even his family- in him. I have very little self respect when it comes to him and I let him practically walk all over me- but I love him. There is nothing I can do to change that. I clean, I cook, I take care of our son, I literally take care of him like a mother would, I walk to work and still make time for a sex life… but by the time it happens, I am just not in the mood. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, screamed and fought for him to show me the slightest bit of affection and not treat me like a roommate or friend but he interprets my asking as nagging and therefore doesn’t respond in the way that I would like him to. Is there anything that I can do to make him change from the robot-like person incapable of showing affection and just become the person that I fell in love with?”

- Ariel

Our Experts Responded:

Hi Ariel,

The key to producing these feelings within him is to act as if it is already happening. If you act as if he is giving you the love and affection you crave, you will treat him differently. Use actions, rather than words. Kiss him, hug him, but do not expect those actions reciprocated. The love you share with him will produce more love from him. Try this for a while. Do not expect change right away, as this will take time. Merely continue treating him with love, and see what happens. Find the happiness of simply having him around. Enjoy his presence. See the perfection in him.

- Tita & Tibu(The Love Guru’s)

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Dear Ariel,

I feel for you and I am so glad you are asking this question! This is such a hard thing and you will make it. In answer to your main question, the only thing that you can do to make him change and become the person that you fell in love with is to move back to being the person you were when you fell in love with him. You were very young when you got together. I suggest that you get back into some of the activities and relationships you gave up for him. My thought is that these interests will give you purpose and help you to stress less about all the challenges you are going through. It will also make you more of a complete person which is always very attractive. It will also be good for your child to see a complete mom. On another note, it will most likely make you happy.

It sounds like your fiance is your soul-mate and that is why you are in a relationship like this where there is drama or unfinished business. That’s why the hook connecting you to this man is so extremely strong and why you let him treat you as he does.

If possible, the next time he ignores you or accuses you of nagging, don’t judge yourself but take a good look at how his behavior makes you feel. Really sink into the FEELINGS. I promise if you really get the clarity on what this is doing to you and your child, you will be even more motivated to change. You deserve a partner who is there for you. He may be willing to be that partner—he may not.

I suggest seeing a counselor. A good licensed Marriage and Family therapist can help you a lot. If your fiance will not go with you, go alone. Many health plans have low cost options if you select a therapist in their network. When you change and get support, things with your fiancé will be different. I say wait and see what he does if you make changes. My guess is that he will change too.

Good luck to you and let me know what happens!

-Marian Lindner

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Dear Ariel,

As you explain in your letter, you have allowed him to take advantage of you, and you also admit that you have little self-respect. The interactions you describe sound like you are in an abuse cycle with him, and hopefully it is only verbal abuse. We all participate in some level of verbal abuse in various relationships throughout life. You might take this as an opportunity to improve your self-image and change the way you relate to people. The best book I have found on verbal abuse is The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life, by Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers. I guarantee this will change your life. If you improve your self-esteem, all your relationships will improve. I also recommend that you get a counselor or get into a support group, such as Co-dependents Anonymous.

Sincerely,

- Love Nanny

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