Jordan Asked:

“So I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 months now. She lives in a dorm at Stony Brook University taking 18 credits but is originally from Poughkeepsie, NY. She used to go upstate every other weekend and see me the weekends she’s on Long Island but lately she’s been going upstate every weekend. Even on weekends that I have ideas of things for us to do together, she says she’ll be upstate. She goes on and on about her 2 year-old nephew who lives there and she enjoys visiting her immediate family.

Now I did go upstate with her one time but one time only, for the day. She did seem to hover over her nephew for the day. She told me she likes going up alone and there’s nowhere for me to sleep there.
When she doesn’t have much schoolwork, we make plans during the week by her for one or two days. But she hasn’t made time to see me on a weekend in a long time. She still texts me almost every day saying she’s thinking about me or misses me. Sometimes she does call me or text me to see how I’m doing.
She does show me affection and talks to me and asks me for plans sometimes.

She told me she used to have an on again off again relationship with a guy in her past. And she broke up with another guy who wanted to be “serious,” texting her all the time and trying to see her a lot instead of letting her see her family and friends.

I have feelings for this girl but I feel like her independence is hurting our relationship. Should I stop chasing after her? Will she ever be ready for a relationship?

Thanks in advance.”

- Jordan

Our Experts Responded:

Hi Jordan,

What kind of a relationship are you looking for? It seems that you have one. If it is the fact that you do not spend time on the weekends that is affecting you so much, try to understand that she loves her family just as much as she loves you. She still calls, texts, and visits you during the week. The only thing missing is the fact that you don’t see her as much as you want.. However, to her, right now, this is balance.

Would you prefer not to see her at all? Why put conditions on your love for her? Accept the amount of time you do have with her. Keep busy on the weekends, so that you no longer need to have her in order to be happy. If you truly love her and want her in your life, accept what you have with her. If not, then let her go. She was never the one meant for you.

- Tita & Tibu

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Dear Jordan,

This one hurts me. Jordan, I’m about 97% certain that’s she seeing someone or having random encounters while she’s gone. But, that’s actually not my concern. My concern is you. It doesn’t matter if you break up with her or not, it really doesn’t. What matters is that you get yourself in order. You need to start having fun on your own - and telling her about it. Nothing mean or hurtful, just fun playful stories about what you did on the weekends she was gone. You talked to this girl, she really liked you but she had on funny clothes or a weird eye, something that stopped you from actually hooking up with her. And the reason can’t be that you have a girlfriend. Never mention that. You’re just reminding her how much fun you are.

Tell her to go upstate this weekend, you have something to do. If she asks what, tell her it’s no big deal. Smile. Let her imagine the worst. She’ll feel like she’s losing control of you. She’ll do something to get it back. Either stay or throw some kind of fit. Ignore them both. Say she’s cute for doing it but you already made plans but you hope she has fun.

Repeat and stop being so clingy. Don’t answer all her calls or texts. If she asks why just play dumb. “Didn’t see it.” or “I don’t know.” She isn’t the problem…you are. Get back to your fun self and all the rest of your problems will take care of themselves.

- Dan Hitt

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Dear Jordan,

Yes, your intuition is correct. Please stop chasing after her. It sounds like you committed to her before she was committed to you. My advice is to date around until you find a woman on the same wave length, who is ready for a commitment. You will just waste your time trying to get into this gal’s life. You deserve better.

Sincerely,
- Love Nanny

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