Zena Asked:
“I’ve been married for 3 years and I have 2 kids 1 boy and 1 girl. The past 1 year I have felt like my husband is just not interested in me and he has not made me feel special . He comes from work at 6pm and showers, eats then he goes and hangs out with his friends playing cards. I know 100% he is not cheating on me he still wants to have sex with me, but he does not make me feel like I am special and we don’t have any communications together. Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore? I have thought about leaving him, but I don’t want my children to live with out a father like I did. It’s so hard for me. What do you think I should do?”
- Zena
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Zena,
You write,”He does not make me feel like I am special.” Let me be ruthless and frank: is that his job? What if he went around saying,”my wife just does not make me feel special. Boo hoo,” and
expected you, in addition to raising children, doing housework, enduring your own existential questions and dreams put on hold, to take on the whole arduous task of making him “feel special?”
And maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe he wastes his time playing cards because he doesn’t feel he’s worthwhile, doesn’t have a handle on HIS mission in life. You are both very young. Trying to keep the family body and soul together at the same time you both have to stuff down your own unfulfilled needs–well, this is enough to leave you both wrung out and not feeling so awfully bloody “special.”
You can’t make him–not on any enduring basis–feel (within the very core of his being) that he’s important, needed, special, worthwhile etc. And he can’t “do it” for you.
It’s tough with kids at home, but in the day of the internet, and given your resourcefulness in contacting “LoveDetour,” I’d think YOU could discover and set about expressing your own individuality, your special gift.
Blog. Get involved with an activist forum–children’s or animal’s welfare, politics, women’s issues, historic house preservation… Use the internet to study a language or become an expert on the burgeoning crisis of treatment-resistant TB around the globe.
Find out about certificate programs at your local college. Even if you can’t commit to a course of study right now, you can start exploring your options for when the kids get older. Or take a free, short-term, distance-learning course for now and see how you like a little study in the evenings when hub is playing the card shark.
I guarantee that you will get more of a sense of who you are and what you are capable of than anyone else in the world can ever impart to you. You will be interesting because you get interested.
Like magic, your hub will notice. He will want on the bandwagon of this new energy his wife is giving off. He might balance his card playing with nights he bones up on some area for a job promotion. He might take up poetry writing.
Then you will both be interesting to each other. You won’t have enough hours in the day, what with studying arcane subjects, fighting TB around the globe on your laptop, raising kids and working, and indulging your passionate, newfound interest in MARRIAGE, to brood about what you CAN’T do for each other.
So gal–get busy. Stop wondering. Stop asking. Start BEING special. Your kids will thank you one day for your good example.
YOU GO GIRL!
- HalciAnn
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Dear Zena,
The easy-to-say answer is, become a more interesting person, but trying to become more interesting for someone else is usually futile. Your best strategy is to become more interesting to yourself. You must keep growing mentally and emotionally. This way, regardless of whether your husband begins to crave your company (in addition to your body), you will be of interest to yourself. For some men, loving a woman and enjoying her company are not synomymous. What concerns me more is that your husband is not spending more time in the evenings with his children. Ask him if he would be willing to do so. If he refuses, your parenting burden becomes that much greater–and your need for mental stimulation will increase accordingly.
- Wise Old Man
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Dear Zena,
I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling, but you can get through this. You need to address what it is you hope for in your relationship. Do you want to stay? If you stay, what would you like to see change?
In order for change to happen, you have to start with you first. It’s just makes sense that we can’t go changing other people, but we can change us. I’m in no way putting blame on you, just letting you know that you probably aren’t perfect. This doesn’t mean cave in to his every need; if you do that, he will only take advantage of you.
Write out your relationship profile. What is your dream marriage like? Be specific. Now write out what it is like today. Highlight the differences and develop a plan to reach your goals. Express these desires to your husband, not in a nagging way, but in a loving way. Start with praise, how happy you were when you met him, and how you love being a part of his life.
You have to stroke a man’s ego. Men are competitive, so you have to make him feel like he has “won” by having you in his life. When he begins to feel this way, he will begin to share things with you and your communication will pick up, and you WILL have a more dynamic relationship built to last a lifetime!
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Zena,
The best way to reach his ear in this situation is through the written word. “When you’re writing you have ample time to express yourself and your viewpoints” (Cipher of Life - revised). Write him a letter and give it to him, better yet mail it to him without your return address on it. You must find a way to have him listen to your concerns. Let him know how you feel. “The palest ink is better than the best memory” (Chinese Proverb). Make sure you are very detailed about your concerns in your letter, proofread it and then proofread it again. “Your thoughts on paper are some of the purest expressions you can make. Mostly because you are thinking before you speak and having an opportunity to perfect what you say. Being able to take things back after you proofread them can be valuable. It’ll keep you from blurting things out in the heat of the moment and stop you from hurting feelings” (Cipher of Life - revised). Make sure that what you are saying is what you want to say. Make every word resonate and try not to sound like a nag. Respect his rights and space, but address your concerns. You could mention the effects of his absence on the kids and how they adore his company. There are ways to mention your concerns but in a good way. Be creative but respectful, subtle but effective. “Speak when you are angry–and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret” (Laurence J. Peter).
There is always two sides to every story and I wonder if there is something that he needs that you aren’t providing for him. Rarely is most relational problems strictly caused by one person, it takes two.
Hang in there, problems will arise in relationships but your relationship will be defined by how you handle those problems, by whether you fight for your spouse or give up on them. Keep at it, be persistent, and don’t give up on your relationship before you have had the time to really enjoy it. Relationships are give and take, trial and error, failure and triumph. Many people quit on their relationships before they have had time to grow past the problems which will make them stronger. People do not realize that it is precisely those problems you work through, which eventually strengthens the bond. Look at it like a real estate transaction for example. If you saw the house of your dreams up for sale but the walls were painted a hideous color, would that be a deal breaker or would you find a way to work past that and maybe paint those walls at a later date? Well, this is similar to your relationship, this should not be a deal breaker but it should be an opportunity to find a way to compromise or paint the walls so to speak. Don’t lose or destroy your dream house. This is my advice, and I hope it helps. Keep your head up, trouble doesn’t last always; the sun also shines tomorrow. Keep me posted.
For more advice on this subject and other issues you can find in my book, “Cipher of Life.”
- Cinique’
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