Dillon Asked:

“Since we went out back in 8th grade when I was 14 there has been this one girl who has somehow managed to have me think about her for the majority of my days. When she finally moved at the beginning of last school year I was sure I would get over her, and for 6 months with my girlfriend I was sure that I had. My girlfriend and I made some bad decisions which put us in a position to where she was forced to break up with me. I was then reminded of the girl by one of my friends who told me that she had heard of my bad decision. I began to miss her again and finally called up one of her friends to get her number (I got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of her is why I didn’t have her number) We began to talk and text, but then I found out that my ex didn’t want to break up she was forced to by her father… I was in a pickle. Fight the feelings I had for this girl and return with my ex, or deny my ex and remain hopelessly in love with this girl in a different state. I chose the girl, in just of last year I went to Utah to spend 3 days with her and her family, they were incredible. Now I am 3 times not a virgin but for some reason when she was in my arms and we were watching t.v. her parents asleep… I felt no sexual urge, all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and take in what a dream like moment I was experiencing. However when she came back out to Oregon to see her mom step dad and little brother she failed to give me a call or text or anything.

I later found out that my friend wanted to invite me to hang with them but the girl told him that she had already spent 3 days with me this summer.

Of course, I was heart broken and I refused to think about her anymore.

In September I went to Mexico for the 1st time in 15 years to see where my dad aunt and 2 uncles grew up then I saw my dad whom I hadn’t seen in 9 years. My dad told me about all these marvelous places he could take us and said I could bring anyone I wanted…. guess who I started thinking about…. yup the girl.

I wanted to share all those amazing experiences with her and introduce her to my dad.

My heart reminds me of her every day, my mind reminds me of the heart ache and disappointment she’s given me.

I’ve tried the whole get new girlfriends thing and its only put me in many positions of where I’ve had to break girls hearts.

What should I do?”

- Dillon

Our Experts Responded:

Dillon:

Thanks for the rich and complex note disclosing your situation.  Let’s begin by reminding ourselves that such heartache is a nearly universal experience.  If in doubt, make it your practice to actively interview people, especially those a bit older, and see for yourself – this is less about “you” and “that girl” than you think.  It is something that happens to nearly all of us!

(In the interest of brevity, I will say only that I went through this when my high school sweet heart dumped me at the time of high school graduation.  I carried a severe heartache regarding that loss for at least several years….)

Is it possible that the near-universal nature of this experience is a clue to us as how to cope with it?  I think so; I think it tells us that the feelings we experience – sadness, loss, grief, inadequacy, regret – are NOT ABOUT THE LOSS OF THAT PERSON, PER SE.  If this is true, then what are such feelings all about?  Here is what I have learned about this, not by reading a book, but by working through such pain within myself:

Those painful feelings were ALREADY in your heart.  They were not CAUSED by the loss of your girlfriend; rather the loss simply TRIGGERED feelings that were there, lying dormant.  The truth is that being a human being is not as easy as consumer culture would like to teach us.  Nearly all of us are raised in less than perfect environments, by less than perfect parents, and as such we all experience some sense of loss, or lacking.  Our parents – God bless them – may have been too self-absorbed in THEIR problems to be properly available to us, and thus as we get older and wiser in interpreting our feelings, we may discover that we feel a childhood grief for not having been SEEN for who we were, or not having been HEARD.

Such realizations may be too much a stretch initially at your age, and thus it is natural and easier to pine for “that girl” than to realize that these feelings can only be retired by getting that she only triggered them, that they are YOUR feelings, of earlier origin, and must be experienced as such.  Until we can gain that insight, we can only fixate on “that girl”, thinking that if only I had her, THEN I would feel fine. Having labored with this false belief for more than a decade,  I promise you it isn’t true!

But having made these deeper points, let’s now come to the interpersonal level.  Don’t take my word for it:  if you are convinced that SHE is “the answer”, then you owe it to yourself to check it out for yourself.  Don’t sit about and passively stew about her: call her and TALK TO HER.  Find out what is up with her and her level of interest in you.  And go ahead and TELL her how you feel about her.  Put yourself out there and let the cards fall where they may.  Otherwise you will spend years thinking “if only if I had called her….?” and I can tell  you that that is a trap.  That is a human dead-end!

Finally regarding your disclosure regarding lying with her and yet feeling no sexual desire, thanks for sharing that with us.  That must have felt strange to you, as it is so incongruent with what our sex-fixated culture teaches us.  But here is a way to make sense of it:  our society teaches us to sexualize feelings of love, both love for others and more “spiritual” love – a love for/from God that resides somewhere within our beings.  We think we need to “get laid”, as if fulfillment were to be found in routine sexual intercourse, whereas what we are really longing for is the very experience that you had.  We are longing to open our hearts to the love that already resides in them!

Please don’t read this as a put-down of sex; not at all.  The next time you experience such a fulfilled heart with a girl, you may find that THEN you can also direct that energy “back down there” and make wonderful love.  Then the sex will be integrated with your higher experience, rather than what is more conventional – sex which is a fixation, divorced from such human sensibilities.  I can tell you from my experience that such sex, sensationalized by consumer society, is generally a grave disappointment.

In short, good for you that at your tender age you have already experienced higher aspects of yourselves that many adults are not yet aware of.  And realize that the love that you felt “for her” is YOUR love; it ALREADY resides in your heart, independent of that girl.  It is pulsing there right now, as you read.  The only reason that you can’t feel it is that you have fallen into the universal trap of thinking that you can find that love only “out there”, in the form of another person.

Dillon, I end where I began, by pointing out that this is a universal human dilemma.  Welcome to the club of human suffering; look around and see you are not alone.  Embrace the sense of loss, experience it as yours, and trust that as you do so, slowly letting go of the notion that the solution lies “out there”, the higher love that you have already known will shine forth again.  Paradoxically, as this process unfolds, only THEN are we more likely to experience that love in the form of a romantic relationship.

Good luck!

- Jim Ludwig

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Dillon,

The pickle you were in was an interesting dilemma, but one you put yourself in.  Often times, the girl or boy that is most desired in a relationship is the one that they can’t really have.  You didn’t give your regular girlfriend a fair shot because you entered into the relationship carrying baggage that you didn’t share with her. In order for any relationship to work, there must be honesty and integrity between all parties.  According to your situation, you were not even honest with yourself about your own feelings.  You felt that you could suppress them for one girl by replacing that girl with another. That wasn’t a fair deal for any of you and was doomed to fail before it even started.

I believe that if you haven’t seen your father for nine years, you should focus on spending that time with your father and don’t bring any girl with you to use as a safety net in case the visit doesn’t go well.  Give yourself time to think about your honest and true feelings and spend time with your father. And to be brutally honest, if the summer girl had enough of spending time with you after only three days, you are obsessing over someone who does not return that level of interest.  I also find myself curious to know what the “bad choice” you and your girlfriend made.  It must surely have left you with emotional scarring if you can’t openly talk about it yet.  Give yourself time and don’t make rash decisions about romance. Spend time with your father and prioritize your life.  Is the most important thing you want to think about really “Which girl do I want to mope over today?”

Let time move over you and heal you….being hasty never works in any situation…romantic or not….

Good luck

- Peanut Jackson

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My Dear Sweet Dillon,

I read your question, understand your situation, and sympathize with your pain.  Your heart and your mind are ga-ga over this one girl and you ask “What should I do?”

Nothing.

There is absolutely nothing you can do.  You two have had your good times.  Treasure those memories and call it a day. Tough huh?

What are you gonna do?  Force her to call or text you the next time she’s in town?  Make her want to hang out with you and your friends?  Nope, you can’t do that.  We can only control OUR actions, and OUR thoughts.

So get control of Dillon’s actions and Dillon’s thoughts.  She doesn’t want you.  Not under your control.  You can stop talking about her and hoping to reconnect with her.  That IS under your control.  When you start thinking about her, switch your thought to what a great guy you are…c’mon name 3 things you like about yourself.  My point is YOU control your thoughts.

That’s what you should do.

- Kim Hess

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Dillon,

At the risk of sounding cliché, it seems as though you may want to take some time for yourself to sort through your feelings. As human beings, we tend to use our imaginations well. You built this beautiful image of the girl that slipped away only to find out that she was just a girl.  The situation you had was incomplete with your ex, so you decided to find solace in this friend from the past. Often moving backwards is never what we think.

Understand the situation with the past was a chance to have some companionship and revisit something you always wanted: nothing more and nothing less. It’s like always wanting to try something new only to find out that it wasn’t that great. You not being sexual attracted to her at that instance shows you were more into her mentally because of this dream you built around her. Sometimes the dream is better than the reality. Women sometimes want company just as men with nothing attached to complicate things. Not every woman wants a relationship, possibly because of being mistreated or placed in a difficult situation, not unlike yourself with your ex.

Sort through your own feelings and emotions, but avoid obsessing too much about it. However, you must deal with what has happened to you or you will avoid meaningful relationships later. There is a reason why they call them crushes. At your age, you are learning early how to manage your feelings. Don’t feel like you have to be with someone. As a young adult, I too thought that every relationship was meaningful, and that I had to have a girlfriend. To a degree they are meaningful, but only to teach you about what to look for when you are going to settle down. Take some time for yourself; get to understand you and what you really want; and avoid bringing another woman in to complicate things until you are ready for things to be smoother for you. You have time. Be patient……..

- Rajah Smart

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Dear Dillon,

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years of dating, it’s that unanswered questions about the one you love can fester and drive you CRAZY. You can try to move on, but the bottom line is, she’s still gonna be on your mind. The memories, the feelings, the questions, etc. My advice would be to tell her exactly how you feel about the situation, and find out what went wrong. Was it the fact that you didn’t make a move on her while you were there? Was there just no longer a “spark” there for her? You have to get some closure to this situation if you ever plan to move on from it emotionally. And if you can’t ask her these questions, ask your FRIEND to find out for you. But find a way to get some answers, so you can decide whether or not you should TRULY move on, or if there’s still a reason for you to hold out hope. If it doesn’t go your way, another option would be to find your ex, whose father made her break up with you. You say you liked her, so why not give THAT another chance? And this time, don’t ruin it for something that “might be” with your high school sweetheart. Make sure it’ll go somewhere before you ruin a good thing. If that won’t work, then just give it time. Focus on yourself meanwhile. However, I do recommend getting that closure that I spoke of earlier. Otherwise, it will eat at you.

Good luck!

- Jason Love

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Hi Dillon,

I’m sorry that you’ve suffered so much pain. Although it may seem useless now, it’s teaching you how to treat and how not to treat the woman you love, and eventually you will be a better man (possibly a better husband) for it. I know all the experiences I’ve had — unrequited crushes, dates that fizzled, and failed relationships — have taught me something, even if it’s just what I don’t want.

You’re young; concentrate on you for right now! What do you want out of life? What can you bring to a relationship (with anyone, not just a girlfriend)? What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What do you want to learn? Get to know you better, and the right person, for now or for life, will come along.

If you’re a religious or spiritual person, pray for healing, and then when you’re ready, pray for the right person to come into your life when you are both ready.

Wishing you all the best,

- Meghan Donovan

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Dillon,

Young love is intense, powerful, crazy and wonderful.  It is also uncontrollable, wild and most times temporary.  You are at a time in your life where you are learning what love means and what kind of love you want and need.  At the same time you are growing in to a young man with plans and dreams. With all this going on it is hard for a young person to know for sure who they want to spend their life with.  You are still working on who your are.  Until you have that mastered its tough to know for sure who you love.  I am sure your long time friend is important to you.  I can see that.  Take it slow though.  Don’t worry to much about where it is leading.  If you want to ask her to go with you to Mexico ask her! No reason not to.  If she says yes then great!  Do not look in to that as a sign that she cares for you more than she does.  Be happy that you have a great friend to share the experience with.  If it turns out to be more than that great! Just don’t expect it.  You are 17.  I would suggest not having a solid girlfriend right now.  Date but keep it at that.  Have fun.  You are getting ready for the rest of your life.  College or anything else.  You are getting ready to take on the world.  Take your time with the love part. It will come to you.  One thing I do know for sure, TRUE love finds you and you will KNOW  when it happens.  So for now, enjoy life and take it as it comes.

- Craig Sweringen

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Dear ol’ Dillon,

You ask what you should do, and I’ll tell yah straightforward…get over her. I tell you this because after dissecting your story, I came to realize that, you’re just not that into this girl. My first intuition of this opinion, stemmed from when you stated that you “got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of her.” If I truly loved someone, than I would keep the valuables with hopes that we’ll meet again and be together. But not you, you discarded her belongings and got a new girlfriend in the process.

The next reason I feel you aren’t into her and need to get over your relationship is because you felt you were in a “pickle” once you found out your ex girlfriend only dumped you because her father told her too. What I think you’re lacking in understanding here Dillon, is if you really liked this girl and only wanted to be with her, than the news of your ex would have had no effect on you; therefore no “pickle” would have been created.

Now I’m no man, but I do know that no matter how much a man likes or loves a woman, they will not only want to hold that dream girl in their hands, but they will also have an extreme sexual urge to be with her.

Now Dillon, my next example to why you need to move on should be quite clear for you…because she isn’t into you! If I like a guy, I’m going to want to spend more than three days with him; especially if I haven’t seen him since last season.

I hope you come to realize that if you were really into this girl, than you wouldn’t care about your ex girlfriend possibly wanting to get back together with you, nor would you have thrown away her belongings; since you did that in order to GET OVER HER. You need to realize that not every relationship will work; try to think about the good and bad and make sure you don’t repeat your mistakes with the next girl. I think you should stay single for awhile, until she is officially out of your mind, because no new woman deserves to not have your full heart. You shouldn’t date another woman until you can tell yourself that you won’t leave your girlfriend if your ex comes running back to you.

-Porsche Simpson

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