Brian Asked:
“My children have a bad relationship with their mother. My wife and I fight all the time about them. I am a bit easy going in my way. My wife is always criticizing every thing the kids do. I feel she is right most of the time. It’s not what she says it’s that she never stops. even when something gets sorted out she still has to go on and on, until it all starts up again. I blame myself for not being hard enough on the kids. I don’t know what to do anymore.“
- Brian
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Brian,
Raising children is a big deal and something you need to be able to openly communicate about without blaming each other. You can actually strengthen your marriage by scheduling a time once a day, or weekly, to discuss the children and how to deal with the various issues. If you both agree to not discuss it other than extreme emergency outside of your appointment with each other, it will help you focus on what’s important and let go of the little stuff. In between your scheduled time, you can write down what’s bothering you. For example: You yelled at the kids about the dishes. You can also write down things you are thankful for. For example: you made a wonderful dinner. During your appointment, start with the thanks and then move on to the issues. At the end of the conversations, it helps if you both make agreements. For example “I will not yell at the kids.” “I will not let their fights turn into our fights.” Try to focus on the resolution and not get lost in the details or attacking each other or the kids.
It’s essential that you co-parent and establish boundaries with the children on what’s acceptable and not acceptable. Again, affirming the positive is always more successful and productive than complaining about the bad. Scheduling time for a family meeting may also be helpful. “Thank you for putting your dishes in the sink. I appreciate knowing when you plan to load the dishwasher.” verses “you never load the dishwasher. do your chores!”
Good luck!
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ALOHA!
There are no “bad” relationships- Just the illusion of such. (Your wife may say Your kids have a “bad” relationship with you) There are only 2 things in Life - LOVE or a CALLING for LOVE.
Relationships and marriages are ALL about attracting Polarized opposites-This is a clear case of such.
Fighting is NOT going to solve anything -When you fight you are NOT in the moment -It is Out of Ego and Not out of Love.You are truly fighting with yourself NOT even your wife.
Your relationship sounds out of control which is fine BUT if you would LOVE to have a Healthier Marriage Changes must occur internally!! Internal Change is key not changing the External !!-The external will change naturally.
You and your wife are battling each other(and yourselves) versus being loving, caring partners on the SAME Team -You are using your children as pawns to play out this Power struggle of frustration , lack of Love and lack of true communication. Be TRUE to yourself and your marriage!! True Love isn’t about changing anything -simply coming from a source of Unconditional Love. Also, blame, hate, guilt and frustration will all but disappear once you and your wife’s relationship and your emotions are balanced.
These rooted problems usually come back to childhood upbringings and dynamics of how you and your wife were raised By YOUR Parents .(usually within first 7 years of life)-(Your Dad or Mom was probably how your wife is now and you are more similar to your other parent?)
Best Wishes and ALOHA
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Brian,
Sometimes we need to reach such a point of hopelessness in order for change to occur. The family situation you are describing need improvement; you have known that for some time, but it sounds like now it has become clear to you. You mentioned that though you may agree with the content of your wife’s criticisms, she keeps on ragging on the kids even after an issue is resolved. This indicates that her behavior is not driven by parenting needs. Rather, it is driven by her own human need to act out what psychologists call “free-floating anger”.
“Free-floating anger” refers to anger that has been sitting inside of us for a long time, typically since childhood. It needs opportunities to express itself (since we hold it down) so it seeks “triggers” in one’s adult life. A trigger is a stimulus which invites us to express the anger by directing itself at someone in one’s life. Partners, dogs, children, other drivers, mother–in-laws - all our classic triggers of inner anger which we have not faced up to. Instead of realizing that I have unresolved, historical anger, I get to tell a blaming story about someone else.
In other words, directly put, (from your report), your wife has a good deal of anger which she is not dealing with, and so she is acting it out in the family. Sadly, this practice will contribute to the CHILDREN acting out, which creates a vicious cycle: her behavior prompts misbehavior on their part, and then their misbehavior confirms (in her mind) the justification for her being angry.
Such dynamics are hard to resolve without some sort of family counseling. Many of us initially resist this idea with responses like “We don’t need that. We can handle this on our own!” The obvious reply is - why take such a stance of pride? When you get sick, you see a doctor. When your washing machine breaks down (unless you have such expertise), you bring in the repairman. Why do we think we need to “handle it” when it comes to family/human matters? Probably because the prospect of changing things is a bit scary. Your wife would have to face up to a lifetime of anger as well as the regretful feelings she will have when she realizes how she has conducted herself for years. You would have to face up to your passive role in the situation. Everyone resists because as unbearable as the status quo may be, we are all oddly “at home” with it!
Acknowledging the need to see a counselor is nothing to be ashamed of. Actually, it is a sign of health, of reaching a point where to realize that you owe it to yourself and your children to face your problems.
Good luck!
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Dear Brian,
Being a parent is hard enough but when it causes friction between the parents in my opinion has gone too far. While most parents have the mind set on “do as I say not as I do” they have created a perfect path for children to rebel. Unfortunately your wife has created this issue with your children which stems back to the toddle years. Your wife needs to step back and realize she has created the problem and the only one who can actually fix things between her and the kids is her. While you can try to be the voice of reason most of the time you need to except the fact that she is at fault, not the kids. You need to sit her down and explain to her that the more she finds fault with the kids the more she is actually realizing her own faults. Once a person realizes that the expression of criticism for ones own child is actually an extension of ones self.
You can show her by excepting them unconditionally and focusing on the good in them will draw out just that, the good. Your wife probably had the same treatment as a child, its a circle that keeps going until someone stops it.
After you speak with her then the two of you can sit and speak with the children and explain to them that they will always be loved unconditionally but if they choose to do things that is wrong then they must welcome the consequences.
You need to except the responsibility that you have not taught them by siding with their mom when she was wrong, you are too supposed to be the unconditional person and show them that no matter what transpires in life you will always be there to help
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Hi Brian,
First off, I’m sorry that you are feeling the stress regarding your situation. It is one that is not very uncommon. Right off the bat, here’s what I know… you very much love your kids and I would even venture to say that you also very much love your wife. I sincerely honor and respect you for taking up this cyberspace to see how we might be able to improve your situation.
If you have not already, I would encourage you to review my first few articles on Relationship Basics. While every challenge we have as individuals can feel quite daunting, what usually gets raised is not the only challenge going on. To that end, there is usually a basic or root cause that, if addressed, will not only resolve the situation being discussed, but a number others. Today I am going to reference my most recent article on Cause and Effect, and what will be my next article on Masculine and Feminine Energy. In addition, it would be great to reference my response in the August 18th AOE article.
Let’s start with my response in the AOE article. This was a situation where, as an outsider, it would be very easy to simply side with Melinda. However, to offer a strategy that she could truly use and own, I put an onus on her (i.e. put her “at cause.”) In your situation, if okay with you, I’d like to do the same. In doing so, I would like to ask you a few questions. When’s the last time you had passion in your life (for anyone or anything)? When’s the last time you stepped up and faced something intense and totally dominated? Wouldn’t it be great if you had such passion and intensity at home with your wife? And if you did have such intensity and passion in your relationship, can you then imagine how your kids might behave, how the two of you might choose to raise them, and how they might respond to BOTH of you? This said, I would highly encourage you to arrange somehow to view a film by Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes called Finding Your True Passion: The Power of Honesty in Action. Watch the preview. Please touch base with me if this resonates with you at all and I would be happy to share more about Tony’s complete work on this matter.
Brian, your question/submission references your wife 7 times. I would like to challenge you to be “at cause” in answering your own question (“I don’t know what to do anymore.”) As I discussed about being at cause, I know you don’t know, however if you did know, what might be a better way to re-introduce your situation/question that would have you at cause and being part of the solution? There is a great quote from Wayne Dyer … “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” If we change the way you look at this, I would be very willing to bet that the things you are looking at will change. I do encourage you to familiarize yourself a bit more with Wayne Dyer, in particular his works and discussion on Intention.
As I stated above, this is not only about the basic of Cause and Effect, it is also about Masculine and Feminine Energy. When discussing Masculine and Feminine Energy, it is extremely important to realize that it is the polarity between these two energies that creates passion in a relationship. Opposites attract and like forces repel. At the same time, you would not want to be opposites that are not true to yours or your wife’s core or authenticity. David Deida has done great work in this area and I would absolutely recommend looking him up and getting his book The Way of the Superior Man. My hallucination is that getting you to your core energy and your authenticity would represent a significant change that would help you see what YOU can do and what will serve your family at the highest level.
So, there you have it, a simple understanding of where you are at. If this resonates with you and you would love to learn more specifically how to be at cause and create an extraordinary relationship, I’d be very happy to share more great strategies that will lead you to your truth. That’s a truth that will set you free and here’s the key… serves your family at the highest level… because right now, those kids are not getting the best dad they can have simply because he’s feeling lost and blaming himself. So let’s chat and set you on a path that is an ultimate gift to your kids.
Make it an outstanding day!
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