Melinda Asked:
“How do I soften my heart towards my husband? We have an 18 month old and things are not going well. I feel like he is mean, does not listen to my concerns, and I’m angry at him all the time. He has really disappointed me. We have only been intimate twice since our daughter was born. I know that makes him very upset but I cannot stand the thought of being so close with him. I want him to change and until he does, I just don’t want to be with him physically. Our marriage is failing though and if neither of us gives, then it’s going to end eventually.”
- Melinda
Our Experts Responded:
Melinda,
All relationship problems are a 50-50 deal. The issue here is not whether you “soften your heart” and your husband decides not to act so mean. What you both need to look at is what each of you gets out of living in your unsatisfying relationship. You’ve both made choices and you now need to decide if you want to make different choices.
Changing relationships requires risk and courage. The risk is to put the marriage on the line and tell your husband that he either works with you on the marriage, or you’re going to file for divorce. The courage comes in looking at your part in maintaining this dysfunctional relationship.
Lastly, think of the model you’re establishing for your child by deciding not to take on your marriage.
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Hi Melinda,
You bring up such a great concern of married couples with young babies all across this country. Would it be totally awesome if you had the tools and a strategy to turn around your current situation? Would it be ok with you if I offer you thoughts and feelings that you fully own? (i.e. for the moment, we will not focus on hubby.) I am going to reference a few items in my articles on Relationship Basics and I would love to introduce to you another concept… cause and effect. Have you ever heard of cause and effect? Here’s how the “Relationship Basic of Cause and Effect” is playing out in your marriage. Simply put, you are choosing to be at the effect rather than at cause. When you are at cause, you create, you own, you are an amazing woman. When you are at the effect, you are not creating. As a matter of fact, you are simply living at the will of your environment. You are waiting for things to happen and in doing so you don’t own one bit of your actions. As a matter of fact, you are cheating yourself, your baby and the rest of the world of enjoying that amazing woman that you truly are at your core. Here’s what I specifically read in your question, “I want him to change and until he does, I just don’t want to be with him physically.” Please go re-visit my article of July 4, 2008. You’ve got some very serious B.S. in that single sentence (and you need to have read the article to understand what B.S. is.) That single piece of B.S. will guarantee you that your marriage will not change. Why? Because that’s horse trading. Call it what you will. However, that is tit-for-tat horse trading. I can get deeper into what that is, however this response would simply get too verbose. Melinda, regardless of what your husband does, I know that YOU can find your truth in this (see my July 18,2008 article on authenticity.) So, Melinda, while it would be real easy to point a finger in another direction, I’d rather challenge you to re-create the magic, and when now would be a great time to do that?
Let’s move on. Here’s what I know about you. Somewhere early in your relationship with your hubby, you were likely completely smitten with him (or at minimum you really, really, really liked him.) As a matter of fact, if you think back to that time… see things that you used to see, hear things you and he used to say and feel some of those feelings you used to feel… I bet you used to do some things that were very much “at cause.” I bet you spent a little more time and attention to making yourself more attractive, you used to walk a little more upright and with a little more strut and you used to have an essence about you that some may say that you were lit up like a Christmas tree. Now, when you used to be “at cause” in those little things, I bet you used to see much better response from your husband. Here’s what I am willing to bet… none of that is the case now, nor has been for the past 18 months… at least. So, if you continue your current B.S., knowing what I just shared about being at cause, what kind of results do you think you will see from your husband? That’s right. Exactly what you are focusing on (also in that first article), exactly what you don’t want.
Here’s a simple fact. I would bet that you are both 2 pretty good people. However, I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with an author and speaker Emerson Eggerichs. From his work, you would, as clear as day, see that you and your man are stuck in the “Crazy Cycle.” And until one of you is “at cause” and is committed to stepping off the crazy cycle, you will BOTH stay right there. Note that I said until ONE of you is committed. This is what I mean by being at cause to create what it is that you actually wish you had. Melinda, regardless of how mean or how inappropriate your husband has been, you too must be part of the solution as it takes two to tango.
So, there you have it, a simple understanding of where you are at. If this resonates with you and you would love to learn more specifically how to be at cause and not only get back to where you might have been, but more so create an extraordinary relationship, I’d be very happy to share more great strategies that will lead you to your truth. That’s a truth that will set you free and here’s the key… give your baby the mom that he/she totally deserves… because right now, that baby is not getting the best mom he/she can have simply because she’s angry and unhappy (“When mom’s unhappy, no one is happy.”) So let’s chat and set you on a path that is an ultimate gift to your baby.
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Melinda,
You summarized your situation well: if something doesn’t change, then the relationship is going to end. You have hit a stalemate - you can’t desire to have sex with him based on his behavior, and his anger about your sexual withholding perpetuates his anger. This is a painful experience for both, but realize that it is not a unique one; many of us find ourselves here at some time in our lives. We enter a relationship with limited self-awareness and understanding, and then we find that the relationship isn’t working and there seems to be no way out. Something has to change.
Since hostile, hurtful dynamics are already at play, any push to change the partner tends to be forcefully resisted. We begin to realize that it may only be by changing ourselves that we can hope to change the other (if changing the partner is indeed possible). Such change in one’s self is most realistic with competent therapeutic support. Without help we tend to be too entrenched in our established way of seeing things to know which parts of ourselves we should identify with and respect, and which parts need to be reconsidered and let go of as part of the problem.
In your note you spoke of “softening your heart” toward your husband which speaks of your good intentions, but what you may really need is to STRENGTHEN your heart. So we find a good therapist and we begin our own therapeutic journey. This will no doubt threaten your husband, but so be it; with no action the relationship is going to end, so what is the risk? As we begin to find a toehold of self understanding, as we gain confirmation that the established relationship is indeed unhealthy and that we deserve better, we find more internal conviction to do what needs to be done to move toward health, with or without the partner. And thus we finally reach a point where we ask the husband to join in couple’s therapy.
Most likely he will resist, because he doesn’t want to face his pain. But with increased inner strength you may find that you can tell him that if he chooses not to move ahead with you, then the two of you will have to separate. He may try every trick in the book to move you back to your old codependent self - attacking, threatening, pleading, breaking down - but if you can convey to him that something has irrevocably changed in you, and if indeed he has sufficient ego strength to open up, then he may surrender and join you in therapy. If not, then you have your answer; change is not possible and it may be the right thing to do to move on.
But if such an approach is to work, it will be because he can feel your increased inner strength and commitment; he can feel that he cannot move you anymore with his old tricks. Often times the crustiest, hardest, most defended men are very vulnerable under their defenses. They seem to have so much anger for their wives, but when faced with the genuine prospect of losing them, their weaknesses can surface. But this usually requires being pushed to the wall, which clearly requires major change on your part.
Of course a written exchange is a limited means to provide human counsel about such a sensitive and multi-faceted problem. Meeting face-to-face with a therapist whom you begin to trust and who can monitor your progress is the fastest way out of this situation, whichever way the road will turn.
(Regarding your daughter, we tend to hold back on healthy action, thinking “but if I leave my husband, my daughter will not have a father. I have to stay with him for her sake.” Such thoughts are natural and well intended, but they do not necessarily provide good guidance. Most likely the greatest gift you can give your daughter is your commitment to evolve yourself. A child will likely be better off with a mother with sufficient strength to push forward independently than with two parents who are imprisoned in a failing relationship.)
I want to close by saying again that I know your situation is painful and seems very personal. . But remind yourself that nearly everyone encounters this archetypal human suffering in a failing relationship at some time. It is the human drama of all of us presenting itself now in your life, and in that sense, you are not alone. And what matters ultimately is not whether the relationship continues. What matters is who you will become as a result of facing the problem head on.
Good luck!
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Melinda:
The entrance of children onto the landscape of any relationship changes it, drastically and irrevocably. Things are not the same as they were before the child, and they never will be again. The entire dynamic of the relationship has shifted, and that can be frightening. Your husband may feel left out these days, standing on the outside of a circle of devotion that used to be reserved for him alone. He may miss having as much of you to himself as he once did. He could be bewildered as to what, exactly, his role is in this new world.
He could be going through a lot of things, but one thing I’m certain of: he really, really misses the sex.
We seem to disregard sexual intimacy as immaterial and unimportant these days, focusing instead on emotional intimacy, when really the two aren’t separate at all. Your husband may not be able to say that he needs you, that he misses you, or how frightened he is right now, or how much he needs comfort and reassurance, but I’m betting he used to get a lot of that comfort and reassurance from the simple act of having sex with you. .
Withholding sex as an incentive for him to change his behavior is likely to backfire, and badly. Without being able to connect with you on any intimate level, he’s only going to grow more detached and uncaring, as unexpressed fear and anxiety usually stew around and come out as anger, or meanness, or coldness. I’m certainly not telling you to grit your teeth and bear it if it’s truly distasteful to you, but I do want you to realize that a very important piece of your relationship is missing right now. People connect with each other on all sorts of different levels, and you’re limiting the chances for your relationship to heal by not keeping all of those levels open and available.
Perhaps it is the individual words you choose rather than your actual question that leads me to think that couples’ counseling is what your relationship needs, and badly. First, with a child that young, we need to take into consideration the possibility that you are suffering from post-partum depression. PPD isn’t just limited to feeling weepy for a few weeks after the baby is born; it can be subtle, lingering, and effect your entire outlook on life and the people who share it with you. A professional therapist will be able to help you and your husband figure out if you are suffering from a post-partum depressive disorder, and point you on your way to getting treated and back to feeling normal.
Second, if you are *not* suffering from any chemical imbalance that’s screwing up the way you view your world, it’s always nice to have a professional say so, and eliminate any lingering “Oh, she’s just got the baby blues” excuses for doing real work in the relationship.
My advice to you is to find a good couples/communication therapist and then approach your husband about attending with you—and how you make the approach is very important. You’re not likely to get a good response with “You’re going to go to therapy with me so you can learn how to treat me better.” You need to phrase the need for counseling as “us” instead of “you” or “me”, make it very clear that this is work you will be doing *together*, not a laundry list of things he’s expected to change about himself overnight. Be emphatic about how much the relationship means to you, and how grateful you’d be if he gave this process a chance. And if all else fails, put it to him like this: when you don’t know how to fix the sink, you call a plumber. Well, you don’t know how to fix your relationship, so you call a therapist. It doesn’t mean that either of you is good or bad or right or wrong, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything screwed up with either of you—it’s simply a case of something broken that you need a professional’s help to fix.
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Melinda,
Your marriage is not failing! Your going through a trial period, a test of sorts, remember a baby , marriage all this is reality new too both of you. Sometimes we have too focus on our actions, do all the things we need too do, give him some room……………..”some times less said better managed” Find a baby sitter, make a surprise evening, after while , not when your upset discuss how you feel. You might surprised he might just be scared hope it helps
- Kenneth Holder
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Dear Melinda,
The first thing I want to say is that having a child is a very big life transition that immediately changes the relationship dynamics. The intense focus is on the child can lead both parents to feel as though their needs are not being met. You said that you feel your husband is mean and doesn’t listen and that you are angry and don’t have an interest in intimacy. Can you see how both of you have unmet needs at this time? If you haven’t already, I would suggest you make a doctor’s visit and talk about Post Partum Depression or Post Partum Anxiety. After the birth of a child it is common for women to have hormone imbalances which can lead to these disorders. If your unhappiness is not due to such imbalances then my next suggestion is to see a good couples counselor who can teach both of you communication and listening skills. Your marriage and your child deserves the effort to reclaim love and intimacy.
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Melinda,
I am heartened by your question and your desire to soften your heart towards your husband. It is wonderful that you realize you can do something to help. Please remember that few experiences are more challenging to a couple than welcoming a baby. There is so much joy and at the same time so much added responsibility. Very often problems such as you related are experienced and show up in the sexual relationship. You are not alone.
I recommend that you see a good licensed Marriage and Family therapist. If your husband will not go with you, go alone. Many health plans have low cost options if you select a therapist in their network.
Also there is an excellent exercise to try; it is used to open the heart. Many of my clients have felt a deep shift in themselves and their relating by using this technique. I recommend that you practice this exercise for 3-5 minutes twice a day and use it also when you see your husband and feel the anger, disappointments and hurt rear up. To do the exercise:
1. Breathe in deeply and visualize your husband in your heart. Imagine warm, loving flames surrounding him.
2. Breathe out and imagine fanning those flames.
3. Repeat the process.
If you feel warm as you try this exercise, that is normal. You may find that it alters your communication with your husband profoundly.
I hope it helps you and I wish you all the best. Love takes work and sometimes we have to put energy into remembering why we fell in love in the first place. The most important thing is that you are talking about your feelings. That shows your deep love for your husband and your child.
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Dear Melinda,
Although times with you and your spouse are tough, making a comment about “changing” a person is stating that your love for him is conditional. While yes at this time you see him as mean and uncaring you need to focus on the part of him that is good and caring. When a person expects mean they will get just that. In being an unconditional wife you can choose what part of this person you want and by focusing on the things that you liked about him in the past will draw that to you. In answering your question about how to soften your heart towards him the steps for that are easy. When you think of your spouse find the things each day that you like push the bad out of your mind and remember that its not about changing him its about positively getting the outcome that you like.
Each day focus on how you want your life to be, put this into the universe and expect him to be just like that. Tell yourself that you want life to be happy and loving and unconditional, when something comes up that is not of your liking find a common happy spot in it and draw that energy to yourself.
You can’t change a person but you can change how you want them to be.
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Melinda,
I really like the way you phrased this: “How do you soften your heart?” Because you did not provide any examples of how he is mean and ignore your concerns, it’s hard to really see just what is causing you to be so unhappy. I do know that, as a woman, key words like “feel” is something that men, sometimes, don’t understand in the way that we would like. They tend to be more “solutions-oriented” and because emotions are not tangible, it can be hard to express what we want in a way that makes clear sense to them.
That said, having a new child is a huge responsibility and requires a lot of adjustment on both parts. I’m not certain how your relationship was before the baby, but I’m sure that there is less time to focus on each other’s needs now that your “blessing” is here. While women tend to require a lot of affection that doesn’t necessarily mean sex (all of the time, anyway), men often need sex as a way of their companion showing affection to them. You said he seems mean, which means he probably is not meeting your affection needs and in response, you are refusing him sexually, which means you are not meeting his. As a direct result, both of you are feeling neglected and resentful. That can never be good.
You may not want to hear this, but one of the main things you said could very well be the solution to your problem if you are willing to look at if from a different perspective. Sure, you may want to see some changes in him, but a wise man once said, change yourself and you will see how hard it is to change someone else.
All relationships are a sacrifice. Be open to asking AND LISTENING to what he says he needs right now. If it’s too difficult to have a verbal conversation, then ask him if he would be open to writing down a list of five things he feels he is lacking and if he would be willing to read your five as well. You can’t clean an entire house at once, and so opt for working on one thing (in order of priority) at a time. If you two love one another, you will be willing to put in the effort. He will want to make some changes and (hello), so will you.
Just be patient. That fact that you asked at all means that you care more than you may think you do, and the fact that he wants to still be intimate, even if it annoys you, trust me, is a really good sign that he still has some dog left in this fight as well!
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Melinda,
I feel your pain! It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly not in the same relationship. I would suggest you take a few steps before taking any other action: 1. Make a pros and cons list about your marriage and be honest about both the good and bad aspects. 2. See a counselor on your own. Once you’ve had a few sessions, if you feel that you’ve benefited, ask your husband if he would be willing to go. Even if he says “No,” continue with your therapy. 3. What else is going on in your life? Could you have depression or some other health problem that’s making you feel so irritable? Are you stressed in other areas of your life? (Kids, as awesome as they are, can be a source of stress!) Addressing those issues might make you feel clearer about your marriage.
Of course, if he gets physically or verbally abusive, leave him immediately and see a therapist who specializes in those issues.
Wishing you all the best!
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Melinda,
I don’t think it’s a matter of softening your heart, Melinda. You don’t indicate how long you’ve been married, but I have to wonder how long this has been going on. You mention that you feel like “he is mean”, doesn’t listen to your concerns, and that he’s “really disappointed” you. That’s really not enough information for me to know why you’re “angry at him all the time”. But the way you phrased your question tells me that this relationship is in deep trouble. I copied this from the text:
“I want him to change and until he does, I just don’t want to be with him physically.”
That’s controlling. That is a threat. Whether you realize it or not, you’re using sex as a weapon to control your partner’s behavior. You are not going to be, nor should you be, able to control your partner by any means. But if you do somehow achieve the illusion of it, then that’s just mental masturbation on your part. The really sad thing about this is that the two of you already have a child from this union. What effect will the dynamics of your “battle” with the father have on your child? My best advice would be to get both your and the child’s father’s parents involved in this, if that’s possible. Maybe one or both sets of grandparents can take the baby off your hands for a while and give you & your partner some unencumbered time to resolve this. You’re going to need it if this relationship is ever going to work. And I truly believe you could benefit from some professional counseling. If you can’t afford that, write us back & let us know where you live. Maybe one of our experts in your area can get you in touch with somebody locally. I think you both need some insight on how to communicate. This “I want him to change so I’ll punish him until he does” stuff is wrong and unfair. If there’s something about his behavior that’s wrong and/or unfair, then of course that needs to be addressed. And there may be some serious problems on his part. But this blackmail approach is not the way to do it. That is a recipe for failure.
I’d be interested to hear both sides of this story.
Best of luck to you,
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