Goodbyegal Asked:
“My man of 10 years just started fighting with me and putting me down out of the blue. We “never” had bad words to each other, no arguments in the entire relationship. Things were great. I became only a shell of myself I lost all self-esteem. I soon found out that he met a woman who had “just” been released from a Federal Prison and was in a federal Half Way House. She had spent 6 years for trafficking Crack through 3 States and has an extensive record that also includes Violence, she got pregnant while in Prison. She still has 5 more years Probation to do. He got her a house, furnished it, paid all her fines and Probation Fees. Got her custody of her child, had her teeth all fixed, bought her a car and lives with her now. Let me add that this man is anti drugs! I just don’t understand. She isn’t any Beauty Queen. She is actually pretty scary looking. He’s 65. She is 44, (I am 53).Her child is 6 and he used to get upset when my or his Grandchildren used to be around for too long. What happened here? I am so confused! I can’t seem to get over this! For some reason I worry about him. This is so out of character. He was the Love of My Life!”
- Goodbyegal
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Goodbyegal,
Sorry to hear of your circumstances. Such a major disruption is bound to be painful, and there are probably no answers which can salve that pain in the short run. You can take comfort in reminding yourself that you are by no means the first person to experience such suffering and emotional disorientation as result of a relationship taking an unexpected turn – join the club, and it is a big one!
(If I had more space, I would share with you one of my heart-breaking “she did what??” stories, but that would be a whole other thing!)
In any case, it sounds like your husband has indeed gone off the deep-end. It is one thing to fixate on a former felon and to spend a ton of your money on her; it is another to do this behind the back of one’s partner. I don’t think there is any getting around that realization that your ex’s behavior here scores high on the Richter Scale of self-destructive behavior, and as such this would be shocking for any partner.
As to “what happened here?”, you may never fully understand the details of this. Something inside him, tucked away, was unstable, and that something was triggered into action, resulting in a series of life-altering actions. His path doesn’t sound like one of health, but it is his path, and what can you do but let him go and wish him the best?
I think it is understandable emotionally to “worry” about such an ex; after all, for years you were bound to that person, and his well being WAS your concern. Even though we may cognitively get that he has a “loose screw” and we need to let him go, there is an emotional habit there of caring, a memory, which may take some time to let go. And maybe if we let go of such worrying, our own grief may more readily surface for attention.
I am sure that there will be many self-insights that will come up for you as you embrace your own process (and worry less about his.) Regarding your words, that he was “the life of my life:” If you loved him, then that capacity to love was about YOU, not about him, and his recent behavior need not invalidate that. Remind yourself to respect the fact that you were able to love, and that is an asset of yours that you will bring to your solitary/grieving process and eventually to the next relationship.
Let me say it again: your ex’s unexpected melt-down doesn’t reflect on YOUR capacity to love!
Good luck!
————————————————————
Dear Goodbyegal:
You indicate that in the entire relationship you “never had bad words to each other, no arguments in the entire relationship. Things were great”. It is normal to have arguments so if you truly had none, is not necessarily and indicator that everything is “great”. There may have been some underlying things going on with him. His fighting with you and putting you down is most likely a way for him to push you away. If he met the woman sometime prior to your knowledge, the “starting fights” may have been his way of getting out of the relationship. If he began changing “out of the blue”, his behavior most likely doesn’t have much to do with you. There may be a correlation with the fact that she is 44 regardless of her looks. Maybe at 65, he is going through a change of life related to his age and being with someone so much younger, boosts his self esteem. It is possible he is now looking for someone to take care of and someone who obviously “needs” him. It is hard to guess why someone chooses to be with another person. Maybe to make up for some other choices in his life that he regrets and subconsciously wants to work out through this person. Those are just some possibilities to his recent behavior.
You are asking questions about his behavior that only he can answer but since he is living with someone else already, it may be a waste of your time. You can try talking to him to see what he says about it if he is willing to explain his actions. He however may not be willing to do so. Perhaps writing to him is an option. However, remember, he may choose not to respond and you may have to move on and find another way to gain closure. It is normal for you to worry about him; you had a long term relationship with him. However since he has moved on to someone else for reasons you may never get to understand and most likely has nothing to do with you, worrying about him is not in your best interest. Being confused is understandable but trying to figure him out may prove to be impossible. It is understandable that you still have feelings for him, but unless he is willing to have discussions with you, you are better off “letting him go”.
————————————————————
Dear Goodbyegal,
This is a very stressful situation and I understand how difficult it is to get over. I am glad you are reaching out for support. You are doing fine as you process this and I think it is very important for you to feel your feelings. The truth is that no one can explain what happened here except your former partner (and even he many not understand it.) I recommend that whenever you move into trying to understand the way things happened, gently stop and ask yourself how his actions made you feel. If you get clarity on what his actions actually did/do to you on a feeling level, it may be easier to get over this and let him go.
I also think that you are legitimately worried about him because you loved him. However, I think there is a part of you that may be focusing on him because then it’s easy to distract yourself from your own life and the fallout from this relationship. The worry about him with this ’scary’ woman is a big hook, a distraction that is diverting your attention from what really matters–YOUR LIFE– and sucking your energy.
It’s always okay to think about anything you want but focusing on this toxic drama is a difficult and unfulfilling way to live. The next time you get worried about him, ask yourself if thinking about him and his life feels good and if this focus is what you want. You deserve your own love and attention especially during a stressful time like this. Take the time to take care of yourself and you will heal.
I wish you every good thing.
————————————————————
Dear Goodbyegal,
You need to say “good bye” to your guy. He’s gone and it sounds like maybe he found his soul mate. And if you truly love him, you should wish him well.
We all make mistakes in life and it sounds like the other girl is paying for hers. In any case, your man’s problems are not about her. They are about you and him. He’s no longer in love with you. He has moved on. And you need to accept that.
But I do have something to say to you. No one, no man or woman, should ever push you to the point where you lose yourself. That is not good for you. The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. What’s going on with you? Don’t you love yourself anymore? Where did the real you go?
I know it’s hard to let go of someone you have loved for so long, but you’ve loved yourself longer and you need to take care of that relationship first.
Spend some time with yourself and do some deep soul searching. Find yourself. I know that sounds corny, but it’s so true. Find yourself and then make the following promise to yourself; No matter who enters or exits your life, your love for yourself comes first. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a strong and beautiful woman every day. And you will see that one day, you will believe it because you will be. And then you’ll know true love.
I wish you luck with your new relationship with yourself.
- Blanca
————————————————————
Dear Goodbyegal,
OK, I will admit that the story (condensed into a paragraph) does sound pretty wild, but do you know the part that threw me off the most? That all of these things came “out of the blue”.
I don’t want to sound presumptuous because you certainly know your relationship better than I do, but I’m not so sure how a man can go from everything being bliss to getting caught up in a relationship with as much drama (and trauma) as you have just described.
Ten years is a long time to share with anyone under any circumstances and so I can certainly understand why it would be hard to let go. The death of a relationship is just as devastating as the loss of a loved one. But, my question to you is if what you are feeling is actually pain simply due to the break up…or if you are coming down from the shock of thinking that you were loving one person and (obviously) ending up with someone else. Could it possibly be that you are traumatized by the reality that your relationship could have been a delusion?
It’s just something to think about. Either way, for him to even be attracted to a situation like the one he’s in now, shows that he’s not a safe place, emotionally or physically for you to be around right now. I don’t want to speculate what he is or is into personally, but for you to be abused is a good enough reason to leave him alone. With or without the new woman…he’s just not good for you…anymore.
————————————————————
Dear Goodbyegal,
Your man may be in love with the Other Woman. Or he may be having a mid-life identity crisis, in which case her relative youth may make him feel virile. The fact that he has done so much to help her also suggests he may have a need to feel needed. He has done far more than become her lover; he has become her savior. Both of these states of mind, a mid-life identity crisis and the need to be needed, tend to be short-lived. So by being patient and forgiving, you may get him back within six months to a year. Sooner, if she dumps him.
So ask yourself honestly if he’s worth keeping despite these changes. If you feel that he is, you should tell him that you love him and that you forgive him for breaking your heart, but that you plan to gradually move on, emotionally. Tell him that if he has a change of heart and wants you back, he is free to ask you whether you still want him. You will give him the answer that is true at that time. But until he has a change of heart, you’d rather not hear from him.
- The Wise Old man
Rate This Post:
Did you like this article? Submit it to your favorite social bookmarking sites:
Thank You Everyone for your feedback. I need to hear from others.