Mike Asked:

“I have been divorced 13 years had a couple of relationships but met a woman who after just a few dates was the one for me. She brought out 13 years of repressed feelings inside of me. I basically had no emotional attachment for years after my divorce. Which was ok I thought. This woman who is 41 divorced just brought me back to the person I once was. It was awesome, i felt so wonderful. We have been together for 6 months now, we have traveled together we enjoy the same values hopes, dreams, etc. She told a friend that she would probably marry me one day. She says I am a keeper. She does care for me i do know that. I am quite attentive and go out of my way to do nice things for her, often. We always text good morning/good night. I am the first person she calls everyday and vise versa.

Here’s the problem. I told her I loved her. at first I just wanted to tell her because that is how I felt. I really feel she is ‘the one’. Well i got no reciprocation, that was ok at first but now its been a few months and still she has not indicated she feels the same way. We talk, text and see each other almost everyday. She’ll stop over after work for an hour or two we talk, laugh just act silly. We go out to dinner at least once a week, she has traveled on business with me, we have gone away for a few days together. We really get along just fine. I am a fixer by nature and have done alot of things for her. I got a text message from her that says the following. ‘ i officially love you” but that was the end of it. I took and ran with that, i was so happy, this was what I wanted to hear, man I really thought we had a break through. She has never said it to my face. I think I made a mistake in believing her I let myself take the as I guess the truth. I think she really does love me but cannot make or take the leap. So now we are just back to this holding pattern.

I am extremely frustrated and feel like a chump. i have thrown all of my charm, respect, love at her. I have the means to give her anything she could possibly want but I cant buy her love. She is not interested in intimacy, she will rarely touch me even when we are in bed, there is just something missing. She has confided in me the things the likes and dislikes in bed. Now, I have lost some of my confidence in the bedroom. We are intimate maybe once a month. I have a very high libido, i would like it a couple of times a week, we have talked about this but I don’t want her to do it if she doesn’t want to. I recently told her I would rather have her want to want me more than actually do it. I think I am hung up on her wanting me. I said I would have great satisfaction if she just wanted me more. if that makes sense.

I threw out my feelings to her and now have some regret since I am not getting it back. I feel like she has my heart tied to the railroad tracks and its going to get run over. She is aware that she is lacking in the affection/intimacy are and she is sorry and will work on it. Nothing has changed in the past couple of months.

Something is telling me to break up with her. I have yet to resolve if I will be more miserable or frustrated without her than with her. I still think she is the one for me. I don’t know if I should force the issue. I don’t think anything good come if I do that. I think I need to self-preserve her I just don’t know what to do.”

- Mike

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Mike,

First off, I want to congratulate you on being so clear on your feelings about this relationship and your willingness to be vulnerable. It speaks volumes about you. Also please realize that much of what you are experiencing is due to your re-entry into the world of partnership. That is both tough and commendable. Congratulate yourself for getting out there and loving!

In response to what you wrote about this lady, I definitely think she is less available than is desirable for the partnership you seek. The mixed messages around sex and intimacy must be very painful and confusing. Also, the fact that she only text messaged you her answer speaks to the fact that she is not really able to communicate at the level you want her to. Of course, this doesn’t mean anything about her or you. You are not a chump and she is not a bad person. But it does mean that she is probably not able to give you what you need.

Ultimately, however, the only one who can answer the question you pose is you. Will you be more miserable or frustrated without her than with her? I think it is a good idea to do some soul-searching to get clarity on it. Even something as simple as a pro and con list might help you get a real reality check on what matters to you. And I definitely agree that nothing good will come if I you force any issue with her.

I also wonder if there is a part of you that feels you deserve a certain response in return for all you have given her and the help you’ve offered. I definitely hear what you are saying that you can’t buy her love but I am sensing that there is a part of you that feels you have to give a lot to get love. The truth is that love is your birthright. You know how to love naturally and you deserve someone who really loves you. There are many women who can give you what you need. She might be that woman and she might not. Only you can answer. And please remember that you are a “newbie” of sorts to this whole thing because of your long hiatus from partnering. Give yourself a break and explore what you really want and need. As soon as you are clear about it, it will appear.

Congratulations and Best of Luck!

-Marian Lindner

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Dear Mike,

Here’s the question you have to ask yourself, Mike. Are you willing to face the idea that 100% of the roadblock lies with how you’ve always done things? She is very open to being very attracted to you but you are not doing anything to spur the growth. Granted you’ve listed a bunch of stuff that you’re doing with that intent but none of those things actually do that. You’re quite attentive and go out of your way to do nice things for her. You also call and text her first thing in the morning. Quite simply, these destroy attraction they do NOT build it. Imagine a to-do list with 6 things on it, if you will. When numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4 are crossed off do you work on 5 or do you go back and re-work 2? Of course you work on 5, those you have crossed off never enter your mind again. Well, Mike, you’ve been crossed off her list, not consciously, she isn’t to blame, it’s evolution. You’re already doing what she wants, she doesn’t have to worry about you. But, she needs to worry about you if both of you are going to get what you want out of the relationship,

Let’s get you uncrossed by putting you back on her mind. To do that you’re going to have to start using my magical word of seduction. Don’t let your mind rebel against what I’m telling you, what you have been doing has obviously not been working. Try something new. You’re going to have to overcome your fear of losing her, what you’re doing now will drive her away for sure. I’m going to give you my magical word and then I’m going to give you some tips and examples of how to use it.

And now the word — drum roll — “NO”. Ta da! Not convinced? It’s the first word we really learn and has been the symbol of what stands between us and what we want all of our lives. It’s what we must overcome to get what we want and you want to be overcome by her, trust me. You want her constantly thinking about how she can get what she wants from you. Now, I’m going to show you how the word NO builds attraction.

She says, “Let’s go to Tom’s Big Grill on Tuesday. I love that place.” You put on your best devilish smile and say, “No.” She’ll very likely be surprised, perhaps even a little annoyed, after all the only thing you do for her is say Yes. Now you’re going to create attraction in her and it’s going to startle her a little bit. You go on, “I want to go to (anywhere) so go get your (black dress, favorite jeans, bowling shoes, etc.) on we’re gonna have some real fun. – If you’re in a store and she says you should buy shirt A, you say you like shirt B, and then you smile.

To clarify, it’s never a confrontation – that lessons attraction – it’s just you saying what you want to do just as an Alpha Male would. You don’t ask her if she wants to go, just tell her when and where. You’re not being possessive because she can choose not to go…and it shouldn’t seem like a big deal if she doesn’t want to go – go anyway. Tell her how much fun she missed. She’ll want to go next time. – When you’re walking down the sidewalk together – playfully bump her into obstacles or other people and if she actually runs into a person, talk to that person and blame her. She’ll be shocked! And then she’ll smile.

Here’s two more very big attraction tools that you can utilize. The first is my “new faces & new places” rule of relationships. A man must take his woman to new places. That’s where you come in. It doesn’t matter where, but you must make it clear that YOU want to go and not that you’re doing it for her. You want to go but she can come and have fun if she wants. And the second is the word ‘fun’. Everywhere you went without her you had a lot of fun. Talk about the people you saw, if they were dressed funny, said something funny, or walked funny. You’re more fun than anything else she’s got going but you still don’t care if she hangs out with you.

And last, you must escalate kino but never talk about sex. Kino is simply touching and you start by a small, quick touch to an arm or hand during conversation. Never let your touch linger, keep it quick. Build slowly. Touching is a mating ritual and will cause a woman to think about sex. Here’s the kicker though, when they try to talk about it even if it’s accusing you of thinking about it…tell them to keep their hands off you…you’re not free. Slap, in a fun way, at them with napkins, newspapers or a sheet of paper and tell them to control themselves. You, from this point on will never, ever, ever bring up sex in any way and will always tease them when they do. This will cause them to wonder why you don’t want to talk about it, especially when you’re indicating, with your kino, that you are interested. Now you’re on her mind.

These things are up to you, under your control. Start missing those phone calls and other things that you always thought showed her you care. She doesn’t need them. You need them. To her they’re just a weakness on your part but she’s willing to participate for you. Her emotional circuitry thinks this, not her mind. You’re making a change from the man she likes having around to the man she’s desperately attracted to. And always, always do it with a smile. Even if you’re not feeling the smile, it still works.

You are on your way. Keep checking the site for new information to calibrate your game. Remember, you’re always having fun, but they can join you if they want. Go to it, Mike.

- Dan Hitt

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Dear Jordan,

When you fall in love with a woman, you must accept her the way she is. This one sounds like she lacks the affectionate and warm personality that you crave. You sound like a wonderful man and with the right woman you can make beautiful music. This may not be the one, and do not think you can change her to be what you want. It takes courage to go out into the singles market looking for a mate, since it may involve rejection. There is the risk that you may give your heart to someone and receive nothing in return. You just have to roll with the punches in the singles market. Tell her that you are not satisfied in the relationship and that you need to break up. Make a clean break and start all over when you are ready. It might take a few months to reconcile and heal, but you have every right to try again. If you tell her that you need to break up, but she refuses, then you need to convince her to go into counseling with you.

Sincerely,

- Love Nanny

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