Justin Asked:
“If I have experienced a drop in sexual desire for my wife does that mean I am falling out of love?”
- Justin
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Justin,
That’s a great question, but it leads to even more questions,
Sexual desire, although a huge part of the marriage, is not the basis for love. Over many years of marriage, there have been times where the desire faded, and times where it was like a new experience.
first find out, how you feel about your wife, without the sex? Do you enjoy her company? Do you enjoy coming home and seeing her? Do you enjoy going out and being with her? If you answer no to those questions, and you are avoiding her or dreading the evening hours, than you are definitely falling out of love. But if you answer yes to those questions, than you ARE in love with her, but the sexual desire is fading and you must find out why.
Has her or your appearance changed over your marriage? Do you spend a lot of time on the internet looking at more beautiful women? Has your energy level dropped? Are you feeling confident in your sexual abilities?
like I stated, there are many questions to be answered. But look at your life right now, and ask, “Do I love my wife” and listen for your answer. You can answer that one for yourself.
If you want to rescue that passion, talk to her, open up and say to her, you love her, you want her, but something is missing, and maybe you will be surprised to find, it’s not just you!
Good luck
- Daniel Iverson
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Dear Justin,
Not if the rest of your relationship is going well! If you’re not feeling well physically, you’re not going to have a high sex drive. Have you changed, increased, or decreased any medications lately? Are you abusing alcohol or tobacco, or using any illegal drugs? (Or for that matter, have you recently quit smoking or gotten sober?) Are you eating well and getting enough sleep? Get a physical and make any necessary lifestyle changes. Also, consider getting a screening for depression — depression and anxiety can really dampen your sex drive.
Lack of sexual desire can also be stress-related. If you’re under pressure at work, struggling with money, or dealing with an intense family situation, that will make you less interested in sex. Find some healthy ways to deal with the stress in your life (get individual or couples therapy if you need to), and your sexual desire will rebound.
If you and your wife are trying to get pregnant (or trying *not* to get pregnant), that can put a lot of pressure on you to perform “perfectly”. If you’re trying to have a baby, just relax and focus on enjoying each other; your wife is more likely to conceive if you’re both relaxed. If you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, evaluate your current contraception method(s) and consider whether a different one might be more appropriate.
Whatever you determine is the cause of your lack of desire, have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife and let her know that your lack of desire has nothing to do with her. Women get anxious about pleasing their partners, too, and she might feel that your lack of desire is her fault. Tell her what you love about her and about your sex life, and ask for the same feedback from her.
All the best,
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Dear Justin,
It is perfectly normal to experience a drop in sexual desire for a partner. But don’t jump to conclusions about falling out of love with her. There are so many other possible answers to your question. Such as;
Sometimes the “business” of running a household and keeping jobs and kids create a completely different environment in the house. It’s not like when you first started dating that you couldn’t wait to rip your clothes off. Remember, you didn’t have so much “stuff” between you at the time. If this is the case, find ways of getting away for the weekend. A romantic getaway brings out the sexuality in most people. Bring her flowers, for no reason at all. It’s those little things that will bring out the mood to please you as well.
However, there is also the possibility that maybe she’s gained weight or doesn’t have the time to dress herself up like she used to. If this is the case, help her regain her old self by doing physical things with her. Join the gym or give her time to get “done up” by doing some of her chores.
It’s work to keep the fires burning. So much gets in the way. But remember, something about this woman made you marry her. She’s still that girl you fell in love with, she’s just got a lot more on her plate.
I hope this helps.
- Blanca Marqz
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Dear Justin,
Good question. I think a lot of people have probably asked themselves this before..
One thing that I think is unfortunate is that people put so much emphasis on sex that they miss out on some of the other benefits of being in a loving relationship with someone. Like anything in life, things happen in cycles/seasons. In the summer, it’s super hot and in the winter, it’s well, not, but all seasons serve a purpose.
Now, that’s not to say that you are not right to be concerned. A wise man once said that good sex makes up 10% of a relationship while bad sex makes up 90%. Why? Because what goes on inside of the bedroom tends to reflect what is going on outside of it. If there is commitment, communication, satisfaction, and enjoyment outside of your sex life, then these things usually can’t help but show themselves during physical intimacy.
However, you didn’t really give us much to work on. There could be a myriad of reasons why your sex drive isn’t what it used to be. Your hormones levels could have shifted, there may be health reasons, perhaps you are not feeling as connected to your wife as you used to, maybe you need to spend more one on one time together, maybe she’s not initiating and you have a desire to feel wanted, maybe when you do have sex, she makes it feel like work more than pleasure…but for any of these scenarios, my recommendation is that you share them with your wife. By keeping this concern from her, you are only creating a bigger gap, which will not help, but hurt your chances of restoring the intimacy that you desire.
Be gentle, be fair, be open-minded, but above all, be honest. You obviously loved her enough to ask…love her more by listening to what she has to say about your concerns. To really know someone and be known, even when it’s something that is uncomfortable, is the foundation for real and lasting intimacy…in and out of the bedroom.
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Dear Justin,
No. But it doesn’t mean the opposite either. Actually, they have nothing to do with one another. In fact your sexual drive is fuled by a few important aspects of your life, however how much you’re “in love” is not one of them. One is your physical endurance. The better shape you are in the more you will want to do the wild monkey dance. Simple concept. Two is how many alpha male traits you are projecting. The reason for this is that Indicators of Interest from women (the reward you receive for being perceived an an Alpha Male) increase your state of arousal. Three is how much your wife takes care of herself.
However, don’t think three is something you can pin on her, number three is also your fault, not hers. That’s right…how much your wife takes care of herself is completely dependant on you. If you attack life in a fun and assertive way and invite her to join you, she will feel compelled to do what you do. It’s instinctual and she can’t help but follow. It’s imperative that you take care of yourself and that you invite her to join you in a FUN and assertive way.
The truth is an Alpha Male is an individual who exerts a great amount of control over his surroundings. You can decide that it’s fate or your wife’s fault that you are no longer attracted to her but it simply isn’t true. You make these decisions and you alone. The only actual difference is that the Alpha Male takes it for granted that he makes the decision and the Beta male enforces the soothing idea that it isn’t his fault.
You can certainly handle three if you choose to, but we’ll go into two for just a second. Indicators of Interest are things women do (smile, laugh, giggle, touch, lean in, etc) to reward you for being attractive. The more attractive you are the more you will get. While looks is one of the aspects women look for it certainly isn’t the only one and, in fact, a lot can be done with average looks. Taking on alpha male characteristics is difficult in that usually a guy doesn’t know if what he’s doing is correct. Look for more articles on the Alpha Male here but in the meantime I’ll give you the way a woman judges men and I’m sure you’ll be able to deduce some great insights from there. Fun. It’s the number one way women evaluate men. How much fun is the guy? Because fun indicates Safety and that’s what women are instinctively after. The more fun you are the more attractive you are…period.
This may not help because you might not be interested in hearing that it’s your fault. If that’s the case I can’t do much for you. Best of luck…
- Dan Hitt
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Dear Justin,
Losing sexual attraction doesn’t mean you are falling out of love. Love is an emotional connection with your partner, whereas sex is a physical act with emotion involved.
I’m concerned that you would be feeling this way, and hope you seek help not to become attracted to your wife in a physical way, but how to better connect with her.
You are likely having other problems with your relationship, and you are using physical qualities as an excuse. You need to address the underlying problems you are having with your partner. Focus on what you can change about yourself to make her feel like she is number one in your life.
Many people focus on trying to change their partner, when in reality, they need to start with self. When you focus on meeting your partner’s needs, and you do so successfully, you will get in return everything you are looking for from your wife.
Express your feelings and open your heart, and she will do so to you. You will soon see that you will become attracted to your wife again because of the emotional connection that will build between you.
To Your Marriage!
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Dear Justin,
Most people do not look at the bigger picture when then “drop” anything in their lives. When feelings change one must look at what is going on in and around them. Your feelings are more then just about sex and when people don’t understand or realize this they assume the love affair is over. There are many factors such as how long have you been together, is there any stress going on, and my main question, are you happy with yourself? When a person is feeling down about themselves they tend to let it flow over into other aspects of their worlds, find the reason for what is making you this way. Remember nothing is life lasts forever, it can’t, everything is ever changing and one must change with it or against it but either way you will change. Start with your own self and figure what it is that is wrong or off balance, then take it from there. Always remember though that you have the ability to control your own world and your own feelings, take control and make it what you want.
Love and Light
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Justin,
Although I don’t know the details of your relationship, there are definitely other reasons why you are losing a physical desire for your wife. However, it has nothing to do with your love for her. Something that she is doing, has done, or isn’t doing makes you feel less close to her and it is finally flowing over into your physical attraction to her. You’ve let it fester too long. Love doesn’t fade away, but there sounds like there is an underlying problem that needs to be addressed. A drop in sexual desire could mean an increase in your internal desires for your own personal gain. It could mean that you are being alienated when it comes to sex and are getting tired of being turned down and have given up. You could be holding something against her that you both need to discuss and forgive her for. There are too many possibilities to assume, I am sorry to say, but without more information I am unable to give you a detailed analysis of your problem. If you must question your love for your wife in terms of sexual desire, you need to really think about evaluating yourself and your commitment to her. These things happen to many people, you are not alone. Find out what the underlying problem is, talk to her about it, and try to resolve it. Once the issue is resolved, the sex will return to normal or better. I hope I have helped you in this issue, feel free elaborate for further analysis and comment. Keep me posted.
- Cinique’
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