While shopping in the grocery store the other day I heard 2 women talking about how dull and boring their relationships have become. One woman was saying how every Friday night she and her partner go to the movies and  eat dinner out at the same Italian Restaurant. Her friend was describing how every Saturday night for the past 5 years she and her partner go out to dinner at the same restaurant with the same couple. Yawn! It was clear to me that these relationships were in a huge rut and you could clearly see the boredom on the face of these 2 women. So how do you keep your relationship alive and out of this type of rut?

Variety is the spice of life and it will keep your relationship alive! Change your routine, do things differently.

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“The best part of getting off track, is getting back on!”
Love Lucy

We know that our circumstances don’t define us.

If anything, they make us stronger, the harder the situations we face.
We cannot know how  much power we have inside of us, if we are not given the opportunities in life, to have to use our power, whatever the case may be.

Not that we all wish on a daily basis, to be using our emotional and mental muscles, from struggling with hard times.
We do, more often than not, deserve a break to simply smell the roses.

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Which also meant that my day would likely involve tears and being uncomfortable and not being able to say “Fine!” when anyone asked how I was doing today. All the stuff my mind loves to bookmark for workshops, long walks with dear friends—you know, more appropriate times. Not right in the middle of my life. How rude.

Joanne Asked:

“Me and My Boyfriend of 10 months just won’t stop arguing.. we have already broken up twice because it was “the heat of the moment” (by his decision of course). This time I am the one to break it off for good, after a very horrible argument. I was wondering about something he had said to me last night. He was trying to keep me in his life and he said “baby we are not made for eachother but we make it work we make it fit.” What the heck does that say about him? and the relationship I was in with him? Can you please help me! This will decide whether I’m FULLY done with him or not. Thank you so much!”

- Joanne (18)

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Sara Asked:

“I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. At the start of our relationship everything was fine, we were great for a year really but within that first year I found out he wacthed porn I told him my feelings about this, It’s so disrespectful to women, and we had our first rough pacth and he said he wouldn’t watch it again. About a year and a half in I find out again that he has been watching it, this time it’s a bigger issue, we had a really big talk about it and the fact that he’d been keeping it from me. He also told me that he liked other girls and imagined getting together with someone although he was with me =O We had a rough patch for about 2 months then everything was fine again and great still apart from this.

Now here comes the BIG one. We’re 2 years and 3 months in, he’s just had his birthday, I asked him how he was getting on with not watching it anymore, and he blurted out again that he still was, more so than ever, even though we had sex nearly all the time we saw each other. I was mad, upset, and I couldn’t trust him, I don’t think I do today, after 2 months after this we decided to move in together, and we were quite bad shouting at each other all the time and me not trusting him and hating him, but knowing that deep down I loved him.

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Brooke Asked:

“I just got out of a 2 year relationship and I am finally getting to the point to move on. My ex and I have been sleeping together for the last 6 months because I have been single. I have met this guy and we have alot of fun and I feel that it may go somewhere. Should I become exclusive with the new guy and let the old one go?”

- Brooke (22, Omaha Nebraska)

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Angela Asked:

“Hello and thank you very much. My boyfriend is in his early 50s and I’m in my late 30s. He recently was contacted from his facebook friend to meet with him, they were former co-workers at a job and hadn’t seen each other since in 5 years. He told me about it, but he didn’t ask me how I felt about him going. Afterwards he told me how it went and that they were out for drinks and discussed their dating life. I found out she was single. It didn’t bother me at first when he was going to meet with her, but it disturbed me afterwards. I don’t feel in a relationship this was an appropriate thing to do, especially meeting for drinks/beers. I’d like your opinion on it if my feelings are wrong or valid.”

- Angela (38)

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Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:

Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.”  Never mind that his car is old and boring—it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.

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Seeing things the way they really are vs. what we wish them to be can be an impossible task at best. Breaking down the issues and trying to find the truth in the middle of a heated argument, often times will reveal 3 sides to any story. Her side…her side and the truth often lays somewhere between the two stories.

This battle of wills must go back to the beginning of time itself. In the heat of an argument no one ever really wins…because depending on your perspective you are either the victim or the bad guy. Screaming, shouting, emotional outbursts can tear at the fabric of any relationship. Communication can also become nonexistent as each individual tries to solve the issue within themselves. Often times they may go to bed angry instead of resolving the issue. Whose purpose does this really serve? Think of it two people laying in the dark so angry that the very thought of brushing up or contact with your partner angers you even more. The act of trying to fall asleep becomes difficult as your mind re-runs the argument over and over again like a scene from a movie.

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It would be impossible for me to tell you how many times I have heard someone in my office say: “I shouldn’t have to ask for “it” (whatever “it” might be) from him/her. If my partner really loved me he/she would know what I want. And I often find myself replying: “Oh really, so your partner is a mind reader? Amazing”. Response: “Come on Dr. Patty Ann, you know what I mean, if he/she really knew me they would know what I want. I shouldn’t have to ask for it”. My brilliant reply: “Wrong. Wrong. Wrong”.

No matter how many years you have known your partner, no matter how much a couple might love each other, nobody is a mind reader. We do have to ask for what we want and need. It doesn’t matter if we desire something money can buy or emotional support. If you want something in your relationship (just like in life) you have to ask for it. You increase your chances a hundred times over for getting what you want if you ask for it. This is true in our jobs, with our friends and in our intimate relationships too.

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